I was filled with the things i have been struggling with for the last almost 3yrs to get out of my system.......... but it seemed as if I could never find the words. I am filled with so many emotions that it gets overwhelming..... to the point where I start shuting down, setting the feelings aside.
Long story short, I lived in Orlando 2006- late 2008 and I was in a long-term relationship with a guy, it started out well... then one day I literally woke up and realized how un-happy I was. But I had convinced myself that there was no way out. The fairytale didn't last long in the sense that all the plans and goals and "dreams" I had for "us" had died. He just stoped loving me. And threw that I saw the "real" person he was deep inside and it wasn't pretty. I moved back home to Washington in April 2008- the same month that he broke up with me. Ever since then I never once stoped to deal with the pain.....or experienced the pain..... as a way to start healing.
All I've done is surround myself with my best friends, work..... will be going back to school to further my hairdressing career....... and all at the same time I feel like I'm partly living in denial. I keep trying to look to other guys in my circle of friends......... and puting all these ideas in my head that if only I had a guy again everything would be better. And for the record........ I know deep inside that none of that will help. My father has never been really very warm and nurturing toward me and to this day I struggle with seperation anxiety. I want to feel close to a guy- in the flesh again..... I guess. But- the only one who can save me and guide me to be a stronger woman- is God my lord and savior. It is an ongoing struggle for me.
I do better in doing my own devotionals and during my alone times with God. I get too overwhelmed with the people in my bible study.... because I always feel like I'm the one who shares too much or who feels like a charity case even though I know they don't think that. I want a bipolar support group weather it be online here a Bipolarconnect or in person. I now feel like I need an accountability partner like a sponser like recovering alcoholicss have. I am so tired of people in my family always asking me- did you take your pills today.... OMG I always take me pills you know. It's getting old, people in my life can be very insensitive. It goes both ways I suppose. When i lay awake at night........ waiting to go to sleep it seems so lonely at least just for a while....... it never lasts long but at the end of the day all I want is to feel loved and appreciated and understood.
What would happen if you felt love, support, and appreciation towards you from you rather than someone else?
Cause as long as you are searching for it in someone else, you will continue to become disappointed by those who you place it all on. No one should be held responsible for your entire happiness, love, support, and appreciation giving because it just isn't humanely possible.
You believe in God and God loves you, supports you, and appreciates you. You. He also wants you to love, support, and appreciate you cause he does. Yes, he made us to be social creatures and to work together and live together to perform his works but, he didn't mean for each other to be the sole provider of what we each need. Otherwise, we wouldn't need and rely on him now would we?
The Bible Study is a group of humans. Humans with human faults, strengths, and weakenesses. You are feeling self-conscious in the group and reflecting it back. I do that with people myself in general when I'm in a depressive mood. When I'm not in a depressive mood, I do not turn the thoughts inward upon myself cause I really don't think about it. I just figure, what the heck? If they think I am this and that, so what? It's so much different when I'm in a depressive cycle.
I also get the "family" issue but you know... as much as the nagging of "did you take your pills today?" gets bad, and it does after a while of hearing it day after day, I've tried to now change the thoughts to - ya know, at least they are thinking of me and concerned enough to question me because otherwise they'd never ask and wouldn't that be insensitive?
This "reflection" and re-direction hasn't come easy by no means. It's slowly trickling from several years of therapy and well, some recent intensive therapy.
just don't give up hope