Life in my world...

My 3rd husband wrote this for me near our 3rd anniversary to articulate all of the things that I told him that I had experienced and felt.  I think it sounds pretty.  However, he is in PA in our home and I live in MD since my last suicide attempt in Feb  08 depending on others to take care of me and my finances.  How did you manage 28 yrs, anyway?  Hope things get better for all of us, before they get worse...

Love,

-K

   I hid my condition for at least 15 years by taking different drugs and drinking when i worked away from home.  I worked 2 jobs for the better part of 8 years when my wife was going to college.  I took uppers when i was down and   downers when I was high.  It wasn't until the last 8 to 10 years that I started to get severely agitated and angry with my manic episodes.  Mostly I just worked through things by acting as if things were ok.  I'm a very good actor.  I acted in high school, college and a few years ago in musicals.   So I learned how to act like things were ok and I diffused things by changing conversations and convincing doctors that I was merely overworked.  Things will always come back to you though and I have paid dearly in the last couple of years with my drug abuse.

                        Terry  

Wow...  One thing I can say is that I never did non prescribed drugs... alchohol I had cycles with but I never thought it was a problem to drink a bottle of wine by myself while taking my meds when I was alone, until I was tld by a friend that she saw it and it scared her.  But she did not tell me until I was hospitalized yet again.  Haven't had even a sip since.  I don't even know why I cyclically do that when the meds specifically say not to.  Go figure... maybe more self-destructive behavior... Did I tell you I have 2 tatoos and have had multiple body piercing knowing all of it would hurt, but knowing that I deserved the pain and it was always during a manic impulse thing and I would just leave the house and come back different.  I would pierce and eventually take it out and then during a "moment" would have it repierced - cycle repeated over and over using different body parts where no one but me would see and could relieve the moment and the way it felt.  Maybe that is the same level as the drugs?  Who knows...I even thought at one point that a bipolar-bipolar relationship would work, so another patient and I hooked up while we were both patients and would have the fastest sex ever recorded - unprotected of course any other way to go out of the endge during a manic phase.  With all of the men that I was sleeping with (about 20) which I would schedule - they lived in different states and I was on disability so my schedule was wide open, and you know the funny thing is that I NEVER caught or transmitted ANYthing.  I always convinced the guy not to use a condom because it would feel better for both of us,  Can you imagine that sometime I had to pretend that I felt hurt that joe blow obviosly did not find me attractive and I was very hurt, but if we had sex I would know that wasn't true.  It worked!  Just so you know I used to compete in beauty pagents.  My figure is 38-29-36 now at 41, but used to be 36, 24, 35.  I guess you have stories to tell also.  My stories have filled up 20 journals so far...  I scare the psychs and pychs -- they tell me that they can not help me - I am beyond their capabilities.  That hurts my already terrible self-image...  Makes me want to disappear permanently.  The 4th psych and not sure which number psych have agreed to finally help me after my 6 month search.  The psych looks like I am his first patient - so naivety caould be a good thing for me.  My second appt is Tues - wish me luck.  Also, I have been on Ativan (now up to 6mg a day) for about 15 years, every day, first to sleep, not to calm me down as the sleep part no longer works.  He told me at our first meeting no more during the day and cut back from 4 to 3 at night -- cut in half in one day.  It has been difficult for me and everyone near me and just think only 3 more to go...  I asked him what he was going to replace the Ativan with - I alsolutely could not deal with any stress (not that I do anyway, but is does step it down) and Ativan was the only thing, other than Xanax that could provide any calming effect as I have tried all psychotropic drugs and ant-depressants... I am 41, but have been working on this for a really long time.  I guess enough of my rambling.  Sorry.  Probaby had nothing to do with what you said.  My meds are so wacked for the past 6 months with no guidance that I am out of control but do not want to try to be my own psych... anyway... again more rambling...  If you need someone to talk to I know it is helpful for me to talk to others like me - confirming that I am not making it up in my head and I am unique like everyone in my family believes.  So, I guess bottomline is Thanks for responding.  I hope that you get all of the support that you need, which can include me, if you want... or if I have not scared you off.  I will improve... hell what is normal anyway???

I can understand where you are coming from.   I also have gone thru several psychs.  The refuse to see me after I screw up my treatment or when i quit coming for a while.  My favorite combination  of drugs are Seroquel along with Xanax and lortab.  My wife has caught me overdosing quite a few times when she found me unresponsive.  Now that she is moving out I can only hope I don't do it again.   Let me know how you are doing.  I think we can talk quite openly.  Take care,

                               Terry