If someone in a manic state makes life changing decisions, how responsible can they be? If they stabilize and realize they've made some very bad decisions, do they have any way out of the possibly devistating consequences?
I believe my sister has bipolar disorder. She's been treated for depression, ADHD, PTSD, but now I think she's bipolar. I'll just give a brief description of the life changing decisions she's made in the past two months which I think are from some sort of manic episode.
Right before Thanksgiving she told her husband she needed to get away to take care of herself so she planned to fly out to visit a friend who lives a few states away. Right before she's scheduled to fly out of town she tells her husband she wants a divorce, files the paperwork, puts in motion the disolution of their 20 year marriage.
They have 3 boys aged 7, 11 and 13. The two older boys have been treated for bipolar disorder for several years and the youngest has autism. My sister has not had a regular job in over 10 years, staying home to take care of her three sons.
A few months earlier she had a spiritual awakening and became obsessed with studying all sorts of spiritual books, studying energy, meditation, ascended masters, Mary Magdalene, whatever worked to feed the new spiritual "high" she was on. She would shut herself in her room reading these books, letting her three boys take care of themselves or she would get inspired to take her 7 year old son up on the roof with her to visit with the crows.
So she tells her husband she needs to get away from where she lives to heal herself, files for divorce, buys a one way ticket out of state. When she gets there she rents a car, visits her friend for a day then drives across the state. Then she completely breaks contact with all of her family. Her husband ends up filing a missing person report when it's been three weeks since she's contacted him, her kids, her friends, our parents or myself.
He finds out she's driven down to another state, flown to Hawaii, bought a car and insurance and a new cell phone. He finds out she's used up all her money, is living in the car, doesn't have any money to make the next payment or fly back, no job, no place to live, no friends unless you count the spirit guides she talks to each day.
He finally manages to get hold of her by phone after tracking down her new number from the resort she just moved out from. After several attempts he manages to convince her she needs help and pays for her to fly back to our home state. When she finally gets back after missing two flights, she gets into a "behavioral health care" hospital where she spends Christmas and gets started on lithium. After New Years I finally get to go see her. She weighs less than 90 pounds and she's still convinced that she knows what she's doing. She says she's writing a book. I don't see any indication that she regrets the decisions she's made. She's still fighting for a divorce.
Well, first the State of Hawaii and which ever other state might be involved determins how culpable she is or is not when paying back her loans. I don't know how that works and a lawyer is your best source of information on that. Is she reponsible for her own bad decisions- of course she is. Medicated or not. She is responsible for maintaining her medication regieme and therefore responsible for her behavior whether she stays on meds or not. It takes a long time for any bi-polar med (a loose term) to have effect. It took me a year to stablilize on my meds. I find that you actually can get "better" because of the meds. I have cut back on my anti-anxiety (sometimes anxiety can be co-morbid to bi-polar disorder) and no longer take it at all. Sometimes that happens for people and sometimes it doesn't.
Whether or not you give her an ultimatium to go fix her life and then come back when she is well or stabilized or whatever your criteria is totally up to you and your ability to handle stress It's stressful to see your sibling in the street it's also stressful to "take care of her" Try not to help her more than she is helping herself. Go back to NAMI. It's a terriffic organization for some people. I never liked them but if you get good stuff out of them then go back, find some support from others going through the same situation. Maybe a couple of therapy sessions to help you find your comfort zone around all this would be helpful. I don't know anymore than anyone else but good luck to you and I hope you find what you need. And thanks for struggling with your sister around this. Some family members of others afflicted with bi-polar just do not care.
Thank you so much for your comments. When an adult starts acting very irresponsibly I guess there's not much we can do unless they're breaking the law or hurting someone. I'm starting to understand that when my sister thinks she's right about something she doesn't want to hear anything that even sounds like it might be disagreeing with her.
Just the other day I was over at my parents' house for dinner with her. While they were in the kitchen my mom said something about how her my brother-in-law would like to work out their divorce agreement without spending $500 per hour to have his and her lawyers there with them. In a milisecond my sister was raising her voice, accusing my mom of being against her along with everyone else. I just listened quietly.
When my sister stormed off to go talk to her soon-to-be ex-husband on the phone I mentioned to my mother that maybe she didn't think giving her a place to live was being "on her side."
I'll pass on what you said to my folks and my brother-in-law. I'd be in complete sympathy with them if they just told her to get out and figure out for herself how she can fix things. I do want to help her, but not at the expense of the health and sanity of my own family. Maybe I'll look into talking to a therapist.