Losing control

By alxv Saturday, March 20, 2010

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I sleep well (finally) and all seemed to go well until yesterday when my brain started to be weird like making me feel I am losing my mind I don't know why.

It became very hard to focus and I just can't even coupe with little basic things without thinking I am losing it! Dam it what is happening?

I was not sure if I should write this and bring it here but I do feel so alone and lost in this I have no idea what's going on. I am afraid of being committed or harming someone because I am having some psychotic thoughts as well because I can't stand people talking to me, I only want silence.

Here there is no noise and we can talk to each other without feeling worse about it. Please forgive me for bringing all of the down side here but I really need some support or maybe someone has been through this before I never had this while taking my meds and I'm scared it gets worse.

My appointment, if not postpone, will be at the end of this month but even so I am afraid my pdoc will commit me if I don't get better.

Alex

Coming out here and share once more...

Comments (9) | Add comment

Eric

3/20/10 6:10am

Here is something I constantly preach to myself..."you are responsible for your mental well being and managing it on a daily bases". So lets put that in how it relates to whats going on with you right now. You are headed for what I call a crises point and instead of managing it...your allowing it to grow.

You have a mental illness "bipolarism" no different than someone with a heart condition. Now if that person with the heart condition said to you "I think I am having a heart attack, but I think I am going to wait to seek treatment till the end of the month for the appointment that is already scheduled" You would think this person "Crazy" or ludicrous for not going and getting it checked out today...right?

You really need to call and let them know things are going amiss and have them adjust you now verses later in a unit. Be totally honest with them of just how you are feeling and what is going on. Most often its just a medication change or a change in the dosages of the meds your on right now.

Shelly

3/20/10 6:27am

Alex,

It IS safe here. We all know that. It's a place of unconditional love, no judgments and helpful suggestions.

I have found for me that I get better or worse with the changing of the seasons, the waxing and waning of the moon, barometric changes, the moods of those around me. I know that bipolars are hypersensitive. I'm very much so. It could be that you are experiencing something too. It doesn't mean that you're going crazy. Whatever it is, is affecting the brain chemicals and processes. Through our knowledge, we know that we have to adjust something. But what? We automatically think meds... and are scared of what that will entail. Another trip to the hospital? Fear of more stigma? Loss of more time?

Sometimes what needs to be adjusted is as simple as our exercize or diet. For me some triggers are sugar, alcohol, caffeine. Or more complex like our relationships. Maybe we are confronted with a toxic (to us) person.

I found that out a couple nights ago at a ballgame. I was watching my twin nephews play in the game that determined who went to state in basketball. There was this lady there, who I know a bit, who is very loud, says some inappropriate things (in my opinion) and I could feel my dander getting up. I am a peacemaker, nonfrontational person to the max. But I felt like punching her or telling her to shut up. Instead, I turned to my sister-in-law and verbalized what I was thinking & feeling...got it out. Then I didn't stuff the toxic thoughts back in.

So, Alex, you know you have an appointment in a week or so. You can dwell on the 'what ifs' or you can live each moment doing the things that bring you joy. You know yourself. Your pdoc is there to help you attain a better self...he/she shouldn't be a scary, fearful thought.

I'm praying for you hon.

Shelly

hsurp

3/20/10 7:53am

It's definitely a safe place here. I know how you feel. You may want to call your pdoc just in case. It is weird how things just change from one moment to the next! For me right now I am feeling constant contradicting feelings - happy but depressed. Mostly depressed. My pills just do not work I think. I saw my new pdoc and have a another apt on 4/1 to discuss meds. He increased one of the antidepressant pills and advised Vitamin D. Maybe Vitamin D will help for you? I feel so much internal frustration and just scream sometimes because it is so bad. I am glad we all have each other to lean on. I REALLY hope that you feel better soon. It is really a good thing to be able to vent and say what's on our minds and what we're going through without being judged. Let me know how everything goes. I care.

tabby

3/20/10 11:21am

Alxv luv you come here... don't feel odd or self conscious about that

Don't you just hate it when all seems so "okay" and then suddenly the ole mind says "nope, everything seems okay and so I'm going shuffle it up a bit and make it interesting." Oh, how I know that.

You think you got things settled and then, out of the blue, one moment sitting at your desk at work... BAM you either start sobbing uncontrollably or you get the wildest craziest psychotically thoughts racing through your head and quite often over either the most innocent of things OR someone says something OR someone does something OR hell... nothing happened... just your brain latched onto something and off it flew... and all the emotion and mood flying this way and that right damn long with it.

If you are feeling an increasing pressure within yourself to harm yourself or any others... as if someone were to say something you'd not be sure how you'd react either physically or verbally... or how you'd react to yourself.... then talking with the pdoc before the next appointment would be the safer bet.

It could just be a med tweak needed, it could just be that you need a few days out of work (if you are working) and the doc can write a note for that... does not have to mean admitting yourself less you seriously are afraid of yourself.

Yet sug.. don't wait till the end of the month. Like Eric said, it's only going to grow and fester cause most times.. these things don't just pass in the night so quickly as they came on.

HeyJude

3/20/10 8:58pm

Just thought I'd chime in and let you know I read your post - sorry you are having a tough time. It very well may be something temporary that will pass in a day or two. But, as others recommend, it's good advice that you call your pdoc now and nip things in the bud in order to avoid hospitalization altogether.

Our doctors want to get and keep us well and it's our job to communicate to them changes in our mental health that cause concern. It's their job to be there for us. Make that call. Hope things are improving for you - keep us posted.

Judy

chris

3/21/10 1:01am

pretend nothing is wrong and "just be happy", the world is gonna explode anyday anyways, eff it.

alxv

3/22/10 4:32am

Thank you for the support and advice I am feeling a little better, enough to wait for the appointment I am sleeping a lot and controlling my anxiety it helps... You all are great and caring thank you so much it means a lot not being alone in this.

I wish you all the best,

Alex

Lori

3/27/10 12:34am

I haven't been myself much lately either. I didn't write anything on this website lately because it was taking everything I had to just through everyday things. I felt myself slipping backwards and it scared the hell out of me. Just like before it is starting to get better. This episode I had has lasted a few months now. That is the longest that it has went on in years. The other times have just been short term. You are going to be fine. Make sure you keep up with your doctor appointments and medicine. You will get through this. We are strong people.

I hope that you are doing well when you get this comment.

Lori

alxv

3/27/10 4:10am

Hi Lori thanks for the support.

It's nice to hear from you again. I am doing my very best to coupe with this it is very hard when we lose control over our brain and when we feel like going insane for no reason.

I'm taking occasionally some sleeping pills when my anxiety is too high and I am sleeping most of the days and avoiding people because I snap very easily now. I stopped taking my antipsychotic this Wednesday because I am tired all the time and after reading so much about the side effects and comparing to what I was feeling I decided to stop taking them unless I feel suicidal I will not take them on a daily bases.

It is very scary to see that even though we take our medication and do everything well we can lose control over this disorder and I feel very sad for it. It's important to have you guys around in times like this.

Thank you so much Lori I hope you are feeling better when you read this, as you said we are strong and we are not alone.

Alex

Losing control

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