Coming out here and share once more...

By alxv Friday, July 02, 2010

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I need to vent here because it's where I feel I will be heard and understood by my brothers and sisters. For a while I didn't come here because I was overwhelmed already I didn't wanted to bring that here and make people feel even worse.

I could never give support in that state of mind so I waited to feel better and vent a little here and know how you're doing.

I'm trying to get back to the" world of the living" but it has been complicated because of all these ups and downs I am depressed most of the time but with my mood stabilizer I can be laughing and deeply depressed at the same time.

I get desperate and can't see a future for me but I don't give up no matter what I will find my path to follow and will have to deal with my memory loss and other things I needed to function at my best in the outside world.

I am afraid to not being able to work as I used to. I don't feel that I am ok for that even though I am looking for work.

I too feel lost every day when it's so hard to control it all, when I have no strength and just want to sleep all day because my body is weak God knows why.

I wish I could help all those people who have kids and a marriage to manage every day because they have all my respect, they are titans and I look up to them.

I don't want to make this long because I know how hard it is for a lot of you to read like me.

I will try to come here more often and have a hug and give mine as well.

All the best.

Alex

It doesn't get any easier

Comments (6) | Add comment

hsurp

7/ 2/10 7:32pm

I certainly feel for you, Alex. I know the feeling too well. I am still out of work, since May '09. Still waiting for Social Security. Still waiting to hear back from my Disability carrier. They have stopped my paychecks as of now while they wait for info from my doctor. Supposedly they have faxed the info but I have not heard back yet. No return call - figures! This all has me filled with anxiety and the depression is terrible. But there are some good days. I hope that things get better for all of us. Like you say, we should not give up. Keep fighting! I wish you well!

Tabby

7/ 4/10 9:16am

"Healing, is the noblest, most courageous action a human being can undertake." by Steven Forrest, Astrologer

I saw this posted in a therapist's office once and I jotted it down. When I read your post here, it came to me and I just felt like I needed to send it to you.

You are not obligated to come here and anything you offer us is worth so very much to those who read and post. Yet, you are only obligated to keep yourself well, as well as you are able to do so... to keep healing and re-healing yourself Alxv.

When you feel the nudge to post and/or reply, then anyone here would be happy to see "you". I, for one, am. Let's us know, you are still around.

Yet, Sug... you gotta take care of Alxv.

She is most important, not we.

Okie

7/ 5/10 12:38pm

Thanks for sharing - you sound like you are hanging on and at the same time trying to be positive and helping to others - you have shown a lot about yourself in a couple short paragraphs; i like the "you" that comes through - struggling, nurturing, but still positive and a fighter! I have a hard time expressing how i feel and it's nice to have someone like yourself that can - keep posting!

Shelly

7/ 5/10 6:27pm

Alex,

Thank you for trusting us with your ups, downs, pain and joys...that is what this site is for. We are here for you as you've been here for us. I know there are lots of people who read, who say prayers, who just don't know what to say so they don't write. I feel the strength when I come on here.

Sometimes I'm like you and just don't think I can. I can't reach out. I can't share what's going on. I can't.

You are on my heart. I will keep you in prayer dear Alex.

You are surrounded by those of us who have the same disorder/disease. It may manifest itself in different symptoms...but bipolar is what we have. So we can understand somewhat and be supportive. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and when you are able, check in.

God Bless you,

Shelly

alxv

7/ 6/10 7:10am

Thank you all for your support. It makes me happy to see you here talking with your hearts and praying for us to be well and strong. I am on that stage that is very hard to express my feelings with words but this will pass, it always does.

I'm so happy to see you guys again I missed you all so much I'm glad to be back, this is home to me and I feel always welcome when I come here thanks to you .

This is better than any med I ever took, your care and support means the world to me, it brings light when I am in the dark, hope when I've lost my faith and strength when I am feeling weak.

I wish you well and all the blessings i

n the world. I will pray for you with all my heart.

God bless.

Alex

thomasbipolar

7/ 8/10 3:14pm

ALex,

I am back here agian after several years. It is more important to accept who you are and not that you are bipolar. Bipolar is part of you but not all. We are all filled with good and bad, but we seem to dwell on the bad especially if we are bipolar. We feel that we are to blame for all in our lives and especially (and more dangerous) how we have screwed up our loved ones lives. I was married for 15 yrs and have to great almost grown kids. I always took blame for all the failures and guilt over the divorce with the kids. I will never be set free of this guilt but in the last several years I've come to accept who I am. That if I don't want to get out of bed someday, then that is ok once in awhile. That if I am all full of energy one day I ride with it, BUT make sure I take my meds so it doesn't go overboard. If I feel depressed, well may there is a true reason to be depressed, maybe our depression goes a bit deeper, but our ups and downs are just an amplification of normal emotions. I want to stress Normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. Above all get yourself out in the light. When you are down you don't have to force yourself to be at your best, but just take a walk in the sunlight or get a light box. Seriously it will help. Excersise even though you feel like a slug, start by walking and then take the guilt you feel and run it out of yourself instead of burrying it in a pillow. I don't always preach what I say, but I try. There is a great song out that was written by Dolly Parton but was re-recorded by Allison Moorer on a tribute CD. The song is "I can see the light of a clear blue morning" Check it out and keep it handy when you are down. Above all never stop feeling or fighting. John

Coming out here and share once more...

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