Knock knock, anybody home?!

I missed you guys. How is everybody doing ?

I'm feeling better and although I don't feel good yet, I can come out from isolation.

I hate depression and the fact that where I look I see only darkness with a very distorted perception.

 I often hear people saying that these symptoms are different and unique in every individual depending on how we deal with life and our personality. Well, personaly I disagree with that. I am a very positive person and, even though I'm only trying meds for only 5 months I can see the big diference between taking them as prescribed and what happens when I don't. I still remember how I was before my brain started roller coasting. I was only 17 years old when my 1^st big depression got me nocked out for 1 and a half years without knowing what hit me. I was, and still am, in my nature, very happy and very optimistic about my life and in general. I tend to see the best in everything and always looking for the best solutions when in dificult situations. I never was a quitter nor a coward, I fight as hard as necessary to win all my battles. Over the years a lot has changed in how I deal with things, and now I know why...

I'm still here, I know my nature and this is a battle I never won. Having bipolar disorder and not knowing it for most of my life did stole a lot. I used to love being out ridding my bike and doing many sports, being with my friends and going out most of the nights. I lost that, for the last 18 years I saw myself isolating and being depressed so offten that I stopped going out, I stopped seeing my friends and even quit from having a job and fight to get my life back because my perception has been tainted and I only see dead ends.

I'm more sensitive to life and the horror in it. I can't even see violent movies or horror movies as I always did and loved, because they all get to me. One thing is what I have changed and not want anymore, another is not doing what I love because I don't have the strength and don't feel well if I do them. If perception is all we have and there for if we are not aware of how much it's affecting us, it's very hard to function and to keep living our lives without falling so many times. when we go back to hell everything seems to be so brutal and without a way out in saftey so we can live a "normal" life. Now I can see with my eyes only, the meds are bringing me back, and I'm getting ready for a new beginning if all goes well...

I still can't focus well enough, I'm having troubles in reading and expressing, I apologize if this post is not clear enough about what I'm trying to say.

It's good to be back...

Alex