"In the end its all nice"

By Erin Monday, November 10, 2008

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I don't know if I'm sick or have some major personality flaws. My father told me when I was 25 that I wasn't a happy child. With my memories of my childhood being both good and bad, I was still taken back by his comment. At 17 I went crazy, left school, booze, sex... a lot of sex. I was new to it and have grown horrible core beliefs about it. That craziness lasted 6 months.

I've always been the depressive type, self esteem issues, negative outlooks. Thats the nice way of putting it. That dark man on the stair that whispers such hateful things, I never talked about him to anyone... it was just me.

Then 2 years ago I went nuts again. Bringing my marriage to a hault, introducing characters in your life that really didn't belong there. A mass amount of sick time followed, creating that hole, that *abyss* in which nothing is real, yet its all too real. Too loud, too bright, too dark, too quiet, too cold. The dark man had returned.

A bottle of antidepressents sent me to the emerg room 7 months ago, there I was diagnosed as Bipolar. All my guilt over life, over how I saw things... gone. I had an excuse, I wanted to yell "everyone love me, it wasn't my fault". My hope was high. I had that reason for being everything I hated in myself. I spent a month in the hospital learning how managable this disorder is...

I sit now, feeling really bad. Angry, irritable, annoyed at the world. I feel depressed. I can recognize that Im in a bad place, but yet feel like I can't do anything about it.

So I wonder, am I sick or just a miserable person? Aren't I supposed to be better now?

Knowing full well we must all take responsibility for ourselves, I can't help but wonder

where my excuse went.

I'm not sure what the next step is...

Comments (14) | Add comment

Michelle

11/11/08 3:18am

You are not any of those. You just found you are bipolar! Are you taking any meds for it?

The good news is.. you are NOT alone! I have felt the same way! Honestly! If you are on meds maybe they need to adjust your dosage, and if you are not then maybe you need some.

I have learned that being Bipolar is like taking care of a plant. (I know that sounds weird, but stick with me here! LOL) If you don't water your plant is will start to look all withered up, and hanging low. It just doesnt look good. The same is true I feel with being bipolar. If you don't constantly take our meds and ignore ourselves we too start to wither up and hit those lows.

Maybe not the best example, but you know what I mean. When i am on my medication its as though I was given water. I feel like I can survive! I feel somewhat normal and stable. But as soon as I was forced off of them for insurance reasons I was absolutely horrible! I just wanted to die! Managing this illness is a day to day thing sometimes an hour to hour thing and even minute to minute. But you can do it!

You are not flawed. I too was told I wasn't a happy child and to be honest, in this day and age it is STILL hard for me to be happy! LOL Bipolar or not!

So, with that keep your head up! And you are a survior!!!!! Remember that!

KodyD

11/11/08 3:02pm

no your not sick you just suffer from manic depression a bipolar disorder,sounds like by your description, its easily treatable with the proper meds and nutrition along with a little support dont hurt. i think you know that much.

MamaWildcat

11/11/08 4:30pm

Erin, you sound like you have a pretty good fix on what is

'wrong'. Maybe you can work on accepting who you are,

and with the good help from the hospital and dr's you will

get through one day at a time. Life is never smooth, and

although I don't have bp, I can't imagine what it must be

like for you, but I do care and hope you can stay positive,

for your own sake.

William Malo

11/13/08 12:43pm

A diagnosis is just that, a diagnosis. Then the hard work begins, and for many of us, it never ends.

If you stay at it however, it will become more manageable -- didn't say easier.

I am 60 and it is still a very bumpy ride.

As everyone will tell you, get your base in place -- a psychiatrist you can trust, the correct medication (takes some trial and error, don't expect the first combination to work) a good cognitive self-talk system and sources for emotional understanding and support, therapist(s), group, loved ones who can understand and accept your condition.

My experience has shown me that the first two, doctor and pills are the easiest while a support system takes time and often turns up in the most unlikely places.

The nature of this mood disorder usually tests the wills of those closest to us because of the frequency of our contact and they are the ones we punish and alienate.

Ironically, they are often the first to grasp the complexity and severity of the disease once diagnosed and tend to be our best allies in our struggle to handle the emotional swings we must live with -- not all of them of course, but it is the first place to seek a kind and caring cohert.

The rest of the story -- be patient, talk kindly to yourself often in order to keep the dark man out of your psyche.

Cecelia Beasley

11/13/08 1:11pm

William Mayo, when i saw your comment, it brought tears to my eyes. My mother was at first diagnosed manic depressive many years ago before bipolar disorder was coined. I have been on the rollercoaster ride with her all that time. I left a very good position in another city to live with my mother and attempt to help her manage. My daughter and I were ejected out of the house even with police assistance. I have a brother but he refuses to help. It doesn't seem to faze him and maybe that's unfair of me to criticize him that way. My mother is now 72 and more obstinate than ever about taking medication. I'm afraid I'm all puckered out as I am now a 54 year-old grandmother who wants to take the time and energy i have spent with my mother all these years and direct some to my granddaughter and my grandchild on the way. My husband and I are considering moving to another state to be near my daughter and her husband since it is their first baby. Of course, my first consideration is my mother, even before my granddaugther whose mother is very young. My mother treats me horribly but I have shouldered it for so long. But now, i feel as if i can't take it any longer and i don't want to leave her alone. She has alienated all her friends with the exception of one. I know my brother won't kick in with support. He has demons of his own anyway. I don't know what to do. The mental health situation in Tennessee is abominable.

William Malo

11/13/08 2:04pm

My dear Cecelia,

Sometimes your caretaking is needed for you -- takecare of yourself -- do it now and be with your children. your mother will never be well and doesn't seem to wish to do the work, and at her age, does it really matter anymore. The system will find a place for her, you need to find a place for you.

Forget about your brother or anyone else that could but refuses to be a part of her illness -- thay are doing what you must -- let go. She will never do more than fumble through each day, belittle you and sulk about in her sickness.

You can't help her. You aren't helping her. You will never be able to help her.

In time, and it won't be too long for a mental compromised seventy year old, she will pass.

If you are with her tillthat time you will have lost your life. She will take you with her.

All you will be left with is the hurt, humiliation anger and rage from being sucked dry emotionally by someone who can only see her self. She will never care for or love you for the dedicated daughter you are.

She gives you nothing now, wait until the end and you will have less. Let go, move, be with the functional members of your family and enjoy your children.

Take care of you!

Erin

11/13/08 2:44pm

Dear William,

Thank you so much for your words, such beautiful words. At times its hard to breathe, and wrap your head around all the work you now have to do to live like "everyone else". Self pity hard to ignore. One day at a time, right?

William Malo

11/13/08 6:16pm

Your welcomw, Erin, and i know you will be able survive and aspire. But you must remember we never live like 'everyone else' -- we're born unique and remain so. Whether it becomes a blessing or remains a curse, time will tell.

My very best to you.

Sotired

11/14/08 9:33pm

Erin, when I read your email it reminded me of myself because I've always lived near my mother and had to take care of her because she can't drive. She has always been here with me. She has always treated me like she hated me and I never understood why. Now I realezed that it was not something that I did, it was just her. I have been diagnosed with BP and I guess she must be too. She has always been so hateful to me, especially. My daughter suffers from BP too but she refuses to go to a doctor or take medication. She talks to me as though I'm not her mother, with so much disrespect and disdain. But yet she uses me as a babysitter or eat at my home nearly everyday. Her child has spent more time at my home and with me than he will ever spend with her. I am receiving medication for BP but they are not. They make my life so miserable and I would love to move away from them but they would both come where ever I go. My Mother, 82 years old, thinks that it is my responsibility to take care of her even though she has five other children. All five of them moved to a different town but me. I help my daughter out with my grandson because I feel sorry for him. He is definitely emotionally and physically abused by her. I love him too much to turn away and leave him with her. Even when she moves to a different town she comes back because she can't pay her bills and end up with no place to stay even though she makes enough money to pay her bills she waste her money. It's hard enough just trying to keep my life on the right track. My grandson is also exhibiting aggressive behavior at school and at home. She blames me for this also because she says I don't discipline him enough. If I could fly away from them I would.

William Malo

11/15/08 10:46am

sotired

You can fly away, but you won't, and you know you won't.

You'll continue to struggle with these people, and they will continue to behave in the same manner -- day in and day out, year after year...

Why do you think anything will change if you don't?

If none of you have the capacity to realistically resolve the confusion and irritation you present one another -- you're all stuck.

If you can accept the simple fact that if you choose this life by remaining the caretaker and co-dependent, it is your decision to do so.

Co-dependency is the beast that cripples the healthy and the sick indiscriminately -- you are a victim of your victims. These relationships do no one any real benefit, only perpetuate the agony of living with indiferrence, anger, rage, blame, the list goes on and on...

If you can accept that this is as good as it's going to get because you don't possess the will to escape this dysfunctional family system, you might be able to understand that you are as much a part of the problem as your mother, daughter and grandchildren.

Those members of your family who chose to distance themselves from this misery made the healthy decision that you struggle with every day -- you chose to stay and you reaffirm that decision every day you return.

Erin

11/15/08 1:48pm

Sotired,

There are no easy answers are there? How do you break that cycle of such negativity? For a "normal" person this would be stress beyond belief, I can't imagine this situation with the intensity of our moods. When I was in the hospital there were stories...horrible life stories that you felt useless to offer "help" to. I think all we can do is listen to each other and perhaps that support will bring just a little bit of light, one day. Enough to say no... to a person thats hurting us... enough to just scream one day and laugh right after. Those small moments, because god knows when we will feel them again.

Cecelia Beasley

11/19/08 12:01am

William, thanks so much for the response. Made me sad, only because i know you're right. Deep down - you know. Only kidding yourself otherwise. But everyone wants to have that self-image of piety and feeling good about themselves. Sometimes, we lack courage for really doing the right thing. Presently unemployed due to closing of office where transferred to be near Mama. All good because truly have a loving and dutiful husband. Blessed to have him. Have had time to think and get to know my first grandchild and spend time with my husband. Want to have normal life. Learned to take a break by not talking with Mama for several days a time in order to cope. Was taking over my life and thoughts. No obsession is good thing. Went 2 Phoenix a couple of weeks ag (never been) and loved the energy of it and the scenery was phenomenal. My mother called all day long and finally just had to turn the phone off. Have been to couseling about a year ago because of the pressure (self-imposed) of mother's illness. Dr prescribed something, took it couple of times and then thought, "hey, im not sick"! With exercise and positive people around me, this can be licked. But nothing helps like talking about it to someone. This site is a huge comfort for me. Just listening to everyone and hearing the different stories. I am so grateful to everyone who takes the time to express themselves and lay bare their burdens. Thanks so much!

William Malo

11/19/08 12:53pm

No,there are never any easy answers, often there aren't any. In those times we move through each day repeating the same behavior, with the same intensity and rhythmn, losing a bit more of our spirit, slowly spiraling into those heavy periods when our hearts nearly burst with the pain from the relationships we keep.

So why do we go on?

Why don't we choose freedom?

Why do we remain dedicated to those who hurt us and suck us dry emotionally?

Because we are like them?

I have no idea as to what you need from your family or why you doggedly commit to there caretaking, and I never will -- codependency is not love.

I only know what I have learned form suffering at the mercy of a bitter and selfish parent's illness that neither would I, nor could I ever give myself away like that ever again.

My best to you...

T.Larue

11/25/08 3:32pm

Wow reading this i swear it was me. we are not sick we expect more from everyone else.

"In the end its all nice"

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