Hey Dolls,

Your kids do have a mom and love you dearly. We do with our illness make the home life different that what would be called the norm of the Cleavers as seen on TV years ago. Your sister didn’t tell you because she too didn’t want to upset you more than you are. Sounds like you are still running a bit low and some of this is being caused from environmental issues of real life problems.

OK…maybe you really weren’t the greatest mom, but we all know that you did your best and all three kids turned out ok…right? Seventeen year olds are at that point of knowing everything, revolting and running their mouths before thinking. We all went through it and survived. The 17 year old might just be scared for you if you just went through a depression…it does have its effects on family members, and I truly feel that most of the time it is worst for the family member than us that are dealing with it.

My best advice is to get into your therapist and psychiatrist to find the right medication combo that will work best for you. Your kids really need you and want to know you will be ok….especially the seventeen year old. Have a sit down and let your 17 year old son know you are back and there for him. Sometimes we really need to know the effects it’s having on our family to prod us in the backside to make sure we do whatever is necessary to keep ourselves well.

Your kids want the best for you and wouldn’t know what to do without you. I know what you’re thinking and its totally irrational and just plain crazy. You really need to focus on the positive. You survived a depression and are back ready to kick some butt. If you really feel that you are getting nowhere, maybe a second opinion from another psychiatrist maybe in order if this one is not getting you stabilized.

Your hubby feels like a failure because he can’t make you well. It maybe hard for you to understand but most of us guys feel like we are the protectors and if you have been sick for awhile, it takes its toll. Let him know how much you appreciate everything he has done. You and I both know when you are sick; he is doing the raising of the kids and the household duties as well to keep everything on an even keel. If you want this relationship to continue communication is so very important. Communicate to him how much you love and want him.

I have written a book that might help him a bit more understand the illness. I am not going to post it here, but of you are interested send me a private message and I will send you a link to the online version. Keep your chin up.

Hi, I'm also 49, and a Mom. I have children ranging in ages from 18 down to 6. Sometimes I don't know how I've gone from a  majorly high functioning person, doing way to much, and keeping it all together kind of  Mom. To being such high maintenence also!!!! I do think that some of this can be caused from the time of life. Either in perimenopause, or menopause. There are tims when I still pull everthing together to be like I used to be, but then there are those other times when I just need someone to talk to, I cry, I feel lonely, total anxiety through the roof etc. I sure wish there were small support groups where I live, or even just one other person that I could talk to. Do you have any one to talk to where you are? I see my Pdoc today, that's always something I look forward to. I hope you have something to look forward to today also. take care.

                                          Dakota

Mom of 7

7/17/08 8:52am

I am the same kind of Mom as you!! Glad to know another high functioning Mother. I have a household with 7 children and enjoy it. You need to be high functioning to organize and deal with everything. At the same time though, I think our personalities are setting us up for a fall. I know I crashed out of no where and for 16 months was trying to get my head back. Unfortunatly I spent most of the time in the hospital because I was so low and suicidal. It is like a monster just comes and invades your head because the normal rational thinking is completly gone. Medication was my life saver and know I can begin to look for support as well. While depressed I think it is hard to commit and listen to others but for some it does work.  Have you tried a local Nami or DBSA group in your county? Maybe your local hospital might have something or even a church group geared toward everday life issues. You might have to call different churches to see if they have a womens support group. Also your local mental health facility might have some knowledge of support groups.

   I also came across a book that I ordered actually its a audio book because I don't have time to sit and read but it is called The Hurried Woman's Syndrome and it talks about us Mom's and the hectic lives we lead and how it is actually a "pre depression" stage. My copy should be arriving any day and I can't wait to know more about a subject that is so me.... Good Luck   Linda

Dear Dolle,  First of all, you have been and continue to be the best possible mom for your children.  You may not always be "right" to the kids, but you always do the best you can for them AT THE TIME.  Your children love you also, but they are confused and perhaps fear that you won't always be available to them.  I won't speak for others, yet know for myself that I did and do the best I can for my children, even when I can't be there for them at all.....Communication is the only way I have found to work through this issue and not just with my children, but with all my relationships.  I had to be honest with myself first, and while I do not like the BP most of the time, I bless and accept what is for what is.  I know that BP can also be a blessing and frankly, I am what I am, and BP helped make me all I am.  Perhaps it sounds as if my BP hasn't been as "bad" as yours, but I can assure you, my dear, that I could write a bestseller filled with BP suffering, crazy behavior, sex with 100's (yes, 100's) and yet I am still alive and living and able to love and be loved.  You are also capable of this, Dolle.  Continue to write and question and research and love who you are, warts and all.  Peace and blessings to you for your highest good in this lifetime.  Sincerely, Debra

Hi Dolle,

I am a 50 year old Bipolar woman with an 18 year old son, who has Asperger's Syndrome. Thank goodness, he is very high functioning, and he will be starting college in the fall.

When I was growing up, my mother spent a lot of time sitting in the cellar smoking cigarettes. She was never diagnosed, but I am certain she suffered from clinical depression, and was possibly Bipolar. I often felt like I didn't have a mother. She was rarely available to talk to me when I needed to talk about important matters.

My father seemed to have his own mental problems. I suspect he had OCD. He was a work-aholic, and he was rarely home. When he was home, my parents fought all the time.

I had 2 older siblings and 1 younger sibling. My mother got very sick when she was 46, and I was 17. Her illness was complicated by the fact that she had been a chain smoker. She didn't go to a doctor for a long time. Finally, my dad made her go. She was in and out of hospitals over the course of 6 months. She didn't try to get better. She unsuccessfully tried to pull out life supporting tubes in the hospital. Her arms had to be tied down. She died in June of 1975. Basically, I believe that she committed suicide in a passive way.

In October of 1975 I had a nervous breakdown during my first semester in college, and I was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. The breakdown was mainly due to my mother's passing. Here I am 33 years later, married, working part time, parenting a difficult child, but still fighting a good fight against depression and anxiety. Right now, I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm on a combination of meds that seem to working well, seeing a psychologist once a week, exercising 3 times a week (Zubma class), and singing in a chorus.

What I want to say about my mom is that although I felt that she wasn't there for me when I needed her, I am more upset that she totally abandoned me for the rest of my life. She didn't even try to stick around for me and my siblings. Sometimes I thought that she didn't care enough about me to stick around, and I had huge low self esteem problems.

She missed my high school and college graduations, my wedding, and the birth of my son. It was really awful for me to go shopping for a wedding dress without a mom. It has been incredibly hard for me to raise a child without a mom. Even though she may have not been the best mom on the planet, I know she did love me, and I would have liked her to be there for all the important milestones in my life. I wish my son could have met his maternal grandmother.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Your family would be devastated. They would never be the same for the rest of their lives.

Please, please, please, go to a new psychiatrist if you do not have one that is helping you.

Also please see a psychologist regularly. Perhaps he/she could better explain BP to your family.

The medications I am taking are: 300 mg Trileptal, 60 mg Cymbalta, and 1.5 mg pm and .5 mg Klonapin am.

Please also try to keep busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to think disturbing thoughts.

I hope my advice helps, and I pray that you feel better soon.

MotherofMax

I know what you are doing through, Im there myself right now.

I have a 13 yr old son and at tims he goed to his grandmother for support and it makes me feel awful. I also have anothr son 6 and daughter 3 ..

my husband just doesn't seem to understand his theroy is take a pill and get over it.

And to beat it all my pyshcotrist is starting to get frustirated with my treatment because nothing she has tried has worked for a long term. some meds make my manic worse . some slow me down to a slug. I just dont know anymore . but the one thing that gets me throuhg each day is my kids , hope, and god

lots of luck lady if you wish to email me Im @ missbeccalee@hotmail.com

dolle

7/22/08 3:45pm

I had not checked my email or been on-line for a while and what a surprise to see so many kind, deeply-felt responses to my initial post.  thank you all so much.  I saw my pdoc today and hopefully can rearrange a few things.  My depression has not been this bad for a long time and I really HATE it!!!  You are all so supportive.  I live in rural Minnesota and there are no support groups close to my town so this really meant a lot to me.  I will keep fighting the fight as all of you do so courageously every day.  Thanks, Dolle

Suzanne

7/23/08 10:33am

Count me in as a bipolar mom.  I'm 54 & have been ill since I was 15 (had my 1st suicide attempt them, but did not receive any psychiatric help so I turned to the bottle & illegal drugs).

 

My mother was also bipolar & despite ECTs & numerous meds & hospital stays was not able to be helped & committed suicide after many attempts when I was a teenager.  I was misgianosed with unipolar depression when I began to seek help in my 20's (but I only went to GP's, not psychiatrists) & only got correctly diagnosed about 10 years ago.  My "kids" are now 31 & 29 so they grew up with my not being correctly treated & had to experience my unstable moods.

 

Having had the experience of an unstable mother who committed suicide I promised myself I would not kill myself to save them from the profound negative effects of that as the poster mentioned above.  I had many times when I had to just go into my closet & cry & grit out the suicidal impluses.  I explained to them that Mommy got really sad sometimes (I spent most of my time depressed) & I didn't know why, but it wasn't because of them & I was trying to get the doctor to help me feel better.

 

When I finally got on the combo of meds (7) that work for me (MOST of the time), wow, what a difference.  I'd never felt like that before.  So I was stable for 5 years, then had a hypo manic episode that lasted for 5 mos. where I was sleeping only 2-3 hours a night, felt GREAT, lots of energy, enthusiasm, etc. & didn't tell my pdoc as I didn't realize how dangerous it was.  One night I SUDDENLY dropped into a suicidal depression & overdosed.  This was 2 years ago. 

 

My husband found me & took me to the ER.  I was passed out so I don't remember anything, but I was horrified, ashamed & scared that I could get so out of control.   I'm still getting my meds adjusted from that as I've been in a mixed state, anxious, & still not sleeping well.

 

I've gone back to intensive therapy & started DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).

 

My husband does not fully understand either.  He has gone to some educational classes which helped.  NAMI's (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Family to Family class.  But I think a support group of family members would be so helpful for him.  He needs to understand that I don't want to be this way.  I desperately want to get my emotions & rash behaviors under control.  I basically hate myself & feel such shame & guilt over past events (for example, my daughter was 2 1/2 mos. premature due to my smoking & drinking while pregnant).  Talk about being a bad mother.

 

Despite all my bad mothering they seem to love me.  Call me often, express their love & appreciation for me & concern.  Daughter is a law prof; son is a civil engineer.  Husband is still with me & attempts to comfort me when I'm down...

 

I am a lucky person.