Hi All--

I had another regularly scheduled visit with my psychiatrist today. Everything is as it should be.  At last visit, I was moving up into Super-Mommy-Mania in anticipation of having my children with me for the summer.  I have four, ages 15, 13, 11, and 9.  They live with their father. Within 3 weeks I was channeling Joan Crawford's Mommie Dearest.  I had to let them go.  I know it was the right thing to do.  But it felt even better to have it validated again by my doctor.

I should say I got lucky when I had my "breakdown". He just happened to be the one "on call" that particular week of March 6-9, 2005. And since I'm a nurse and not used to being on the "other side of the bed", I was more confused and frightened and wary of giving the "right answers". -- (I actually was admitted to the hospital still wearing my own nurse's scrubs, having being taken from my job in Maternity to the E.D., then on to another hospital with psychiatric facilities courtesy of an ambulance.)

After asking how I was feeling that next morning, he gave me my diagnosis of Bipolar NOS, probably II. Somehow, there was room in my cortisol-soaked brain to get another jolt. But as he did my history, it all began making sense. A LOT OF SENSE. If ever there was an
"OH MY GOD" moment, this was it.

So get to the point. My doctor is smart, right? He doesn't just know stuff, but he knows stuff. Example: He's asking me the part about do I have any boyfriends or any relationships, (I'm divorced, of course. BP requisite). In a daze I just nod my head, "couple...they live outta town". He writes down something and looks up and asks point blank: "How many of them are married?" Jesus Christ I thought he must be psychic or something! He just said I looked like I was easy to take advantage of. Well, he had me convinced he might know what he was doing with this bipolar business. In the past two years he has helped me stay well, except for once, and that was my fault.  My ordeal with alcohol abuse, and a second trip to the hospital was something I apologized to him for. 

But that's for another journal entry...