It's early Saturday morning and I really should be in bed asleep, especially as worn out as I feel. Yet, I've got all this stuff on my mind. I saw my Pysch. Doc yesterday. She tells me that she hasn't actually "written down that I am bipolar", but she feels that I have a mixed bag of disorders. She stated that I have a Mood Disorder without a doubt (most likely Bipolar), then she went on to tell me that I have a Borderline Personality Disorder, G.A.D. w/agoraphobia and P.T.S.D.. 
We talked about the B.P.D. (cuz that is a new dx for me). She said the only way to help that is through therapy..... Which, thankfully, I don't mind going to especially if it is one on one. I've already been in therapy for the most part of 20 yrs., so I'm asking myself, how much more and what else??? In the middle of discussing all this with her, I was on the end part of a pretty nasty panic attack. She is continuing me on the Zyprexa, but she is having to give me samples because of the recent litagations. I'm also continuing with my other meds as well. We decided together that I would increase the Zyprexa to twice a day, since it did help curve the panic attacks for at least a decent amount of time. Due to a move, I'm having to find a Pysch. Doc and Therapist that is closer to my home. I hate to go through the transition once again, but I don't think my mind and body can handle the 100 mile round trip to keep seeing my current doc and therapist. 
This coming week I'm meeting with my NEW therapist who is with a different office and doctor all together. I'm praying that she will be able to help me get further into dealing with it all.
In the last year, my parents, my oldest son (he's 26) and both of my brothers have turned away from me. I also ended up giving my 2nd ex husband custody of my youngest son just recently. I honestly did not want to do that, but I felt he would do better without me. 
The last 3 yrs. have been my hardest, I believe. Due to my 2nd divorce and all the stuff that surrounded it. Actually, life has just been hard for a long time. I know you all can relate. 
The man in my life now is wonderful , I'm trying really hard not to mess this relationship up. I honestly don't feel I deserve such a wonderful, caring human being in my life, but I'm Thankful that he is in my life. As well as his family, which I'm becoming closer to and am thankful.
With the holidays quickly approaching, I don't know what to do about my family or how to handle the situation. I miss both of my sons dearly and I have a 10 month old Granddaughter that I have yet to hold or even see. Probably doubtful that I ever will. I also have two Grandsons that I have not seen in ages. My oldest grandson is as old as my youngest son. The other one is 4 yrs. old. I was closer to my oldest grandson because I had the chance to get to know him a little bit. 
It's seems so hard to get family & friends to understand. I never thought in my wildest dreams that my oldest son would turn his back though. My parents doing the same has really hurt, but they blame me for a lot and I accept the blame even if others tell me that some of it is not mine to accept. (hope that makes sense) My youngest son, he just doesn't understand. God love him. I feel like a total failure as a person, woman, mom & daughter.
I'm so sorry for the hard stuff you're going through. I think first of all you need to stop beating yourself up. Secondly, I think you should do what you can to mend your relationships with your kids and parents. We can't change the mistakes we made in the past,but with love we can forgive alot. Hopefully, you can find a way to mend your fences with your family. Support is so incredibly important. In addition to the individual therapy, maybe finding a support group with other people who've experienced what you have can help you work through some of the issues.
I pray that you can reestablish the closeness with your kids and your parents. Love and forgiveness is such an incredibly healing thing. Before they can forgive you though, you have to forgive yourself. Your son is not better off without you. You are his mother and he needs you, no matter what he says or how you think about it. The best you can do is be his mother, be there for him,and do what you have to in order to make yourself as healthy as possible. He doesn't have to live with you in order for you to have a relationship with him.