It pisses me off when people who are close to me can't be bothered to read up on the disorder and generally don't give a crap what the disorder does to me, what I go through and how much effort it requires for me to even remotely behave like a "normal" person. And then they don't understand at all why I behave the way I do sometimes, like they're freakin' clueless about the hell I go through, and the hell I know will come in the future.
It's impossible for me to even attempt to explain what it's like to someone who isn't bipolar. That's the worst question ever; "what's it like being bipolar?" - fuck me, I don't know! What's it like not being bipolar??
I envy Bipolar type 1's. I do. I envy them because they rarely get the severe depression that I know all too well. You lucky bastards. I know you have $100,000 in debt - but still; lucky bastards.
Bipolar depression, especially the major/severe type (which is the only type I get..), is so freakin' horrible, unbearable and agonizing that I wouldn't even want my spermdonor to suffer from it. The only ones I wish it upon are the people who just don't get it; "snap out of it", "stop pitying yourself" blah blah. I wish they would experience the hell I regularly go through, and then I could tell them to snap out of it. The worst is when those people are close to me - it kinda says "I don't give a shit about you".
Read my blog entries from June till August; every entry is a suicide note. The ones where I claim to be happy... I'm not; I was just not suicidal - that's not the same as being happy. Am I happy now? Fuck no, but at least I haven't been depressed since September, but that's the life of a bipolar I suppose. Check up on me in February and see how I'm doing.
I haven't felt myself starting to slip yet, so far so good - I even got a little bit of cleaning done, wooh!
I'm writing this stupid entry at 06:30 in the morning because I'm pissed off and disappointed because people can't be fucked to care. I've got people from all over the world reading my blog (HI Y'ALL!), but not my IRL friends. What the hell?!
I get disappointed because I'm too optimistic, I think things will change and I assume that I won't have to tell them "Will you please read my blog?". I never talk to anyone about my daily shit, cos no one gives a rat's ass - and if I start venting, they'll just get annoyed and say I'm being negative and give me advice that proves that they haven't paid attention at all.
"I'm broke"
"Get a job you lazy hippie"
Oh em gee you motherfucker.
My mother gives a fuck, but I don't let her read my blog - since it's pretty much like a diary and mothers reading your diary is just weird. If there's anyone who's understood the disorder and paid attention to my behavior, it's her. She's the one who brings me down when I'm on cloud #9 and reminds me not to get ahead of myself. Sometimes it annoys me, cos I don't like having a crutch forced upon me, but generally I owe her a lot. When I had completely forgotten about my welfare program and I blamed myself, she started taking the blame:
I always worry too what happens when my mother passes away. She is only in her 50's but she provides a tremendous amount of support to me both emotionally and some financially. I live on my own but that would not be possible without her or my partner.
I just try to think that before she dies they will come up with research into better meds and other therapies that will allow us to be more independent.
God I hope so!! =/ Glad I'm not alone on this.. that's a terrible thing to say, but you know what I mean.