So yesterday I had a tremendously bad anxiety attack that lasted pretty much all day.  I was irritated and annoyed and was in my backlash bulldozing mode....I hate being like this - but once it starts I just cant snap out of it.

We had to go to a Benefit gala that my husband's company was a major sponsor for - and about three hours there - three hours of my skin crawling - my heart racing and my mind zig zagging I had to leave.  I stopped at a local cafe that a friend of mine woks at and drank some chamomile tea and I just cried.  I went home and just cried and cried and cried.

Then the evil thoughts crept in.....thoughts of what if I just ended it - how would I do it?  What would I do?  Would anyone care.

I hate these thoughts  - they genuinely scare me.

I got myself into such a tizzy that I was a mess - I tried to meditate and calm myself down - but nothing worked.  Finally I took more of my anxiety meds  -- and some more tension taming tea and I finally fell asleep.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover and had to drag myself out of bed.....I just hated it and was like ehhhhhh

My friend moved today and I had promised for months to help her - so I did - knowing that if I just sat around the house I would get very very depressed.

So - now IM home after falling asleep on the couch - exhausted from the move - and emotionally - Im spent. 

I talked to my friend who is in AA and of course it was - you were around too much alcohol this weekend it got to you.

My other friend is like - you have too much stress...

I just take it in passing....

But what bothers me is that I didnt recognize any warning signs until I was in it and the suicide thoughts.  Ive been good without those.

So I know I have to call my therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow and tell them whats going on - I just dont want to.....I want to push it under the rug and forget about it - but I know thats not the right thing to do.

I wish sometimes - as Im sure we all do - that there was a magic pill and it just took all of this away and there was a cure to BP. 

But thats not so - so I have to keep trudging ahead.

I just wanted to put this out there for a few reasons - one I know everyone here will understand.  And it will hold me accountable to be honest with my therapist and pyschiatrist - as my past tendencies is to not be honest....

Thanks for "listening".