Spent a year trying to beat BiPolar and in the end...I beat myself up.....

BeadGoddess,

Welcome!  You seem to be on the right track now.  Amazing, it only took you a year.  Unfortunately, some stories of struggle can be horrific.  There definitly is a lot to learn, like how antidepressants may be a little too effective without a good mood stabilizer.

Glad your here...

I found out I had bi-polar a few years ago-and freaked out. I read so many things about it-it made me sick. I learned this. Watch who you tell, it is a mood disorder, you are NOT crazy----but you will be stigmatized, as being mentally ill--even if the people you tell won't say it to your face.

And, yes, unfortunately it is a mental illness--but one you are keenly aware of. I hate it, you never know how you will feel, from hour to hour. You have such a hard time living your life, struggling with the things you used to sail thru. Forget naming your meds-it's not important-we all have dif. chemistry-so the names are useless. What works for you -may make me sick.

To me.I am still aware of when it is 'happening' to me. It (the mood) can make your life miserable, you have to lie and say you have a headache-when you're having a crazy moment, or when youre talking to much.......or falling asleep for no reason.---the irritability factor to me is the worst. I love life.and this illness is trying to ruin it.

When I feel normal....I'm so happy for that moment.-but I know it is fleeting,-my thoughts are muddeled, my memory stinks, I don't want to clean-I find it impossible to organize.........and NOTHING is worse than if and when you ever start having a hell moment-----where your mind is slipping into a misery that no doctor can understand-they may think they understand, but it is a hell that NO ONE knows -unless you have felt it.-it's like an instant ugly drunk that you can't escape--------I have held my head and yelled to my husband 'it's happening; !! help me !!

If I had to smoke a crack pipe,(never did) to escape this moment, I would.

When people say heaven or hell-they should say heaven or bi-polar.

To all of you that hear me, get busy living, try to change your thoughts by any thing you can....force yourself to do what you think you can't, listen to subliminal tapes to relax, or music you love,or pray.get closer to God. I know how you feel in so many areas, guilt, loss, anger,regret,sadness-the list is endless.But you are not alone, you just think so.

Let's help each other with things that help this ugly illness-it's a rollar coaster and we are on it, whether we like it or not. My prayers are with you all.