Part of my therapy is to sort out my thoughts and write things out. So I journal and I post here. I post here to gain insight to thing from others and to help me. It may not be perfect, it may not always be right - but Im trying. So feel free to read on, but if you dont like it - its ok.....if you do or if you have suggestions, Im open. Thakn you!
So after the tough love session with my therapist, and taking a "sick" day at work on wednesday. (More like a mental health digest everything day). I was ready to go back to the real world.
So work was normal on Thursday no issues...I layed low - got things done and went out to lunch with a great friend who is a rock to me in these times. I dont know what I did to deserve such a good friend - but Im lucky. The hardest part of our relationship is making sure everything is even. I sometimes feel and Im sure I am monopolizing her time. She listens. Im not used to that.
So after work, I took my therapist suggestion and I went to a BP Support Group.
It was..........awkward.
I have to be honest....parts of it I liked, other parts I wanted to run for the hills.
I got drilled by one of the supportees there. She grilled me on how many times I had been hospitalized, what drugs did I take, did I ever punch a doctor because he didnt give me a tranquilizer. I remember thinking this chic is nuts. Then immediately feeling guilty for it - cause she was obviously struggling and obviously had something going on in her head.
Luckily the Support Group Leader came to my rescue and reminded all of us that we are not there to judge and we dont have to talk if we dont want to, and we certainly dont have to answer questions we dont want to.
So she continued her story and low and behold it was my doctor that I was seeing that night that she punched - Great! lol!
So I had to leave a little early. And overall, I did enjoy it. It was so nice to relate to others. One woman said, I havent slept in weeks - she said I get up every few hours and just pace and pace. And I go - me too! This is sad - but I was like yes - someone else you knows what its like....and no one tried to tell her what to do, we just empathized with her. It was refreshing!!!! We could be honest and others would relate and no one judged.
So even though the one woman went on her tangents and obviously had things to get off her chest. Overall it was a good group session and I will go back. If for nothing else, it reminds me - Im not alone. And there are people there every Thursday at 6 there for me.
Its nice.
So - on to the doctors. Who again gave me the tough love (has everyone in my life been given a memo to give me tough love?)
He said Im not going to keep prescribing you meds with the thought that you will be fine without going to your therapist, following her program. He reminded me that I needed to be in a routine. I needed to take care of myself - physically and mentally. I need to go tot he support groups - I need to listen to my therapist. If I dont - the drugs wont help.
I like what you doc said to you about the fact that it is an illness that you have to manage.
When I was first diagnosed, I heard and read so many discouraging stories about folks with Bipolar. The prognosis of a future with it seemed so daunting and well.. miserable. Yet, I chose to look at it as just what it is - a illness to be managed.
Cause sug, if you don't... it will manage you and you probably have experienced some of it's management techniques. Not enjoyable, I gather.
The illness affects and effects each one individually. It's custom designed for the one it affects. Your symptoms, reactions, and responses will be different than someone sitting next to you. So, yeah... you may think another nuts while they may think you are completely "out of touch" and vice a versa.
I didn't like what you posted before of how your therapist had you repeat "I'm Bipolar". I was going to reply to that but chose not to. I will note it here though.
It is paramount that you accept what you have is what you have, for you to look it in the eye and know it for what it is, and yet... you are not it. You are a person who has a illness and it's name is Bipolar. You are not Bipolar.
Bipolar has this conatation (?sp) and a image that most have in their minds. As such, when someone hears that someone has Bipolar they generally picture that image. While some with the illness do mimic that image, most if not the majority of do not.
Sadly, even a good majority of mental health providers have this issue of putting someone into a "mental image" of a textbook description.
To me anyway
- It is limitating and restricting and if one gives into that mentality that "I'm Bipolar" with all it's sterotypical junk associated with it... one will be only what the box describes one as and not ever who one truly is or can be. Goals may have to be modified and adjusted to compensate for the illness but shouldn't be just scratched because of the illness.
So, learning how to live your life in full with Bipolar running along in it and managing it so that it doesn't overtake your life.. is the key. Same as with Diabetes or any other illness and/or disorder. It can be done with diligence, effort, tenacity, and working with a good doc AND a therapist.
There is no promise that you'll never slip up or de-rail cause you will. I assure you that you will and perhaps over and over throughout your life - it's the illness. Yet, the ability to have longer periods of stability in betwixt and between is there.. you just got to keep managing it and working on it.
good luck
and keep letting us know how you are getting along
Thank you Tabby.
I like your way of putting it. Rather than the disease being who I am, I am me with this disease. Thank you for that. I really needed to hear that.
I will keep posting - as it seems to help me to put it down in words. Some things I write are difficult, but it just seems to help to get it out there.
It also helps me to know Im not alone.
Thank you!