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Im looking for some advice.
My husband is a very loving, LOGICAL person. the only person he truly shows emotions with is me. He is very logical. he thinks things through and sometimes (he admits this) to a fault.
He is struggling so much with understanding Bipolar and me with it.
I tried talking with him about it last night and asked what about it is difficult for him? WHat does he need?
He replied, "Babe, you know that emotions are a thing I struggle with, if you wanted to pick the one disease that couldnt be the furthest from me understanding - you have it. I dont understand emotions, I dont understand not being able to control them, and I dont understand what you are going through. But I think i deal with you well".
Truth is - I dont feel like he does. This could be the BP talking or me, but regardless its how I feel. I try telling him what I need from him. Support, hugs....and sometimes just space. So when I tell him this - he instead talks about his company, his day, and stays off of any topic of me.
What this does is infiriates (sp?) me!!!!! I want to scream at him to be quiet. But then I just hold it in and think that he doesnt know what is going on in my head and he doesnt understand, and its not his fault. He thinks he's helping.
So when I am feeling better we talk. I try to explain what I need a little better - he gets upset, yells, and says "Im doing the best that I can, Im never going to be thisperfect husband to you with this disease". He flies off the handle and gets upset. Then I usually give him time to cool down and go in and hug him and just say, I know you are doing your best and I love you.
This usually ends the fight and we go on as normal.
When Im good - we are good. When Im bad - we are really bad. Im not sure how to talk to him about this, Im not sure how to tell him what support I need. Im not even sure if I should expect support from him - is that fair?
I asked him to help support me in my routine and he goes, whoa whoa, Im the WRONG guy for that. I hate routines, dont look to me for that. I tried to explain I wasnt asking him to do a routine, I was just asking him to help support the routine - like dont forget to tell me you invited the guys over for beer and foosball and I come home looking to just relax and there are ten guys at our house - drunk and loud.
Or surprise! My parents are coming over for dinner - what are we making for them?
Or I come home and I have no idea where he is - I text - no response - call - no response
finally hours later he comes home - and he goes oh I was at a networking event. Im sorry I must have forgot to tell you.
I need support from him in not throwing these things on me. He doesnt understand. He sees it as why would you not want my parents over for dinner. I explain - its not that I dont want them to come over, its that I need to prepare. Then he takes it personally that I dont like his parents. Its not that, I need time to readjust my day and mentally prepare that instead of going home - relaxing and reading, Im entertaining!!!
First of all...this is your illness not his to deal with. In saying that, his job is to be the husband and my guess he is still being the man you married.
Why is it so important for you that he understands our illness? Of course he is not going to have any understanding nor would anyone else that has yet to experience it first hand. The last thing you want or need right now is to make the illness the pivotal point in everything going on by asking him to change the way he is doing things because you are bipolar.
The illness is yours, you own it, you are the one that has to get treatment and do what ever it takes to get yourself well...not him. I have been on both sides of the coin in that my wife is also bipolar. I did all the wrong things to the point of enabling her to have do nothing. I became the caregiver, therapist, maid, cook and it drove me to the point of resentment of where I was in life and had ended up.
I lost the role of husband somewhere because the illness had become the pivotal point in our lives. A good husband would go to the end of the earth for their wife...right?? Well thats what I though I was doing. Looking back, my advice to anyone is that you need to keep the role of husband, wife, friend or family member and keep doing your normal routine and leave the therapy and getting oneself well again to the person with the illness.
Don't make excuses for us or start taking over jobs and tasks that cause enabling. Be supportive of anything this person is doing to get well again (therapy & medications)and stay clear of things that cause you to change your daily activities.
Thank you Eric.....
I guess being inthe state I was I figured well he needs to do this and that, and so on....but you are right its my disease and I need to figure it out...and work with my therapy and support groups.....
Im sorry to hear about your past experience with it. It saddens me, because I have dated others in the past who were bipolar and not knowing that I was bipolar became the caretaker.
Im also learning to not be my mothers caretaker who is also bipolar yet choses to do nothing about it. So it is a tough spot to be in.
Thank you. you gave me a new perspective to think about....
I have a real issue with the fact that you are the one with a life threatening illness and you think that you are doing things wrong. You are not "doing things wrong" would anyone out there say that a person with cancer is "doing things wrong" when they are having a bad day? Give yourself a break. Sounds to me that your "logical" husband is a bit of a cad. Sorry if I sound harsh but I don't believe in sugar coating reality. He sounds a lot like my soon-to-be-ex husband, getting mad at you for being ill or yourself for that matter. Not telling you that his parents are coming for dinner and expecting you to pull off dinner? Find a wife with a backbone that would put up with that more than once, that is not bipolar accomodations it is simple everyday kindness. Google emotional abuse. You may find some interesting reading. To address the self righteous post above-get real. Do you really think that you are some super human who can cope alone? Or that anyone can cope alone with something as major as bipolar? Your thinking is impaired. Sounds like you have more issues than bipolar to discuss with your therapist. Best of luck to you both.