I lost my father almost a year ago to a suicide. I have been having nightmares that started soon after his death. Where I can hear and feel the gun go off inside my head and I feel a huge amount of pressure in my head. My body jumps and that is it no images just the sound the feeling and me UP ALL NIGHT!!!! I am scared to close my eyes I have no idea why this is happening to me. I am on and off my meds. Why I cant just stay on them..... I have no answer for that. I find myself writing things in the wee hours of the morn when I cant close my eyes but when I re read what i wrote the next day, I dont remember putting those words on paper. I am not sure how much of the day or night I am really aware of. Things are starting to blur together. I started baking to give my mind something to do. But baking 9 diff things in a night is getting a bit out of hand. My husband has no clue what to do for me anymore but just let me wonder around the house trying to find a purpose. My anxiety keeps me from leaving the house unless I am very VERY well prepared. I feel so lost and sad and angry and hurt and energized and one min i wanna dance around and smile the next i want to crawl in a ball and die..... Am I the only one who is feeling this? because I feel like a outcast to the world as if i am the only one who sometimes cant put words to my emotions.... Am i Alone??