Thought's Of Suicide.

By Ice Queen Saturday, June 04, 2011

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I am just so depressed today, starting to feel numb and distant. I really don't want to sit back and wollow but just can't pick myself up from it. I know i am rapid cycling which my doctor did say was happening to me. The suicidal thoughts have slowly been creeping in and i am fighting not to give in to them. I really don't want to die. But the thoughts of death are very strong. Just keep thinking that maybe it would be better for me just to kill myself be better for me and better for my mum.

But deep down i know it would distroy my mum. To stop myself from doing anything i keep telling myself this. Thought that if i tryed to write about what i was thinking and feeling then maybe it would help get rid of them.

For about 5 hours all i have thought about is suicide and how to do it so that it it quick and as painless as possible. You name it i have thought about it.

Yesterday i was not depressed i wasn't even thinking about suicide. I was happy and confident. Today bang here comes the depression and the suidial thoughts.

I will carry on fighting them.

I am alone and annoyed.

Comments (7) | Add comment

ofstadlm

6/ 4/11 11:02pm

Just remember that this will pass it might seem like it never will but just keep hanging on. I'm sorry you feel this way but just believe it will get better. I know that it is easier said then done but hang in there

Ice Queen

6/ 5/11 6:40am

Thankyou for you comments. It means alot to me. Proves that i am not alone and not the only one that feels the way i do.

The thoughts are a lot less today so i am nearly at the end of the tunnel. It is getting easier.

bobo

6/ 5/11 4:26am

Every one of us with bipolar depression has had suicidal thoughts. They pass. If you find yourself close to acting, get yourself to the hospital. Or tell your pdoc or someone close to you. Try to avoid being alone. Get help. You WILL come out on the other side. Hang in there!

Ice Queen

6/ 5/11 6:37am

Thankyou for your coments. Makes me feel less alone and like i am not the only one that thinks this way.

At the moment i dont have a pdoc as i have recently moved and they havent sorted me out with one.

I would defantly go to the hospital if i needed to. I spent most of my week alone and don't think it helped.

Today the thoughts are getting less and less.

bobo

6/ 5/11 4:26am

ctrygirl

6/ 5/11 8:42am

It has been so long since I've been on here and I want to apologize for that...feel I wasn't here for you when you needed. Darling, know that we all do have those thoughts at times but there is so much to keep going for...tomorrow the sun will come up and give us a new chance at thwarting these whirling, rapid cycling moods...I know so much what you speak of when you talk of rapid cycling...but I have found a way to discover my triggers (things that set me reeling)...and began to utilize quite a few coping skills that help me avoid the deepest ravines. I have rededicated my life to Christ and am fully enveloped in faith that He will see me through those times when I just don't think I can go anymore. I look at my family and realize how blessed I am to have them and how devastating it would be to them to lose me in any form and they uplift me to know that no matter what my body is experiencing, no matter how rough that road gets, no matter what those "voices" are telling me ....they LOVE me and it is a devastating thing to lose anyone to suicide for it scars those you leave behind for life darling. Know that your mom and all those that care for you will NEVER get over an action such as suicide...know that the Lord loves you and wants you to lay your burdens at his feet ...no we don't always get the answer immediately or even as soon as we want it..but HE is there looking over you and I so wish I could be too. You and I have become good friends on here and it breaks my heart what you are going through right now and I can't imagine anyone who has bp that hasn't had those whisperings in their mind/thoughts...but darling OVERCOME you know we love you...you know that that is not the answer darling...I want you to know that I will be praying for you and that I think you should speak to your doctor about your meds it is an ongoing process prettymuch to learn what ones work best for each of us...i still have tweaking going on with my meds to this day and often meds will stop working on me and I have to switch...please talk to your psych and let him know you need adjustments on your meds. Are you also in therapy? I know the success rate of overcoming this is greater with therapy AND medications...sweetheart, I am sorry I haven't been on here and I will be checking back with you ! I love you Ice Queen...keep strong darling...let me know how you are doing!! LOVE YOU GIRL!! YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN OVERCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love ya <3

Tabby

6/ 5/11 11:00am

Sug.. I just read your other post of how you've moved in with the BF some 200 miles from home & mum.

Being alone, with nothing to distract yourself from "the Bipolar", will make you think and feel everything soooo much more intensely. You know that and you acknowledged that.. in the other post.

You've moved 200 miles away from home, you are away from all you know and all the folks you depended on (mum & friends), to try and make a life with someone who has his own life and own friends. You've isolated yourself and withdrawn yourself into your home and you admitted that you are not even trying to go out and meet folks in the new village where you live.

I get that you do not drive but that again shows, you've moved into a situation that completely cuts you off.

You are homesick and you've gone through a huge lifestyle change. Change is so not good for those with Bipolar, even good change. It upsets the equalibrium that is our moods and if you are a rapid cycler... it really speeds up the cycling.

You need to get with a pdoc as quick as possible, try as best you can to get out and about if for anything but to take a walk in the fresh air for several minutes a day... distract your Bipolar thinking with maybe going to the park and reading a book.. even if all by yourself. Maybe doing something at home, creative, like painting... rearranging the furniture... working in the garden or making a garden if you don't have one... something to do with your hands and your mind to take it off the "illness".

Staying couped up, in a home, looking at the 4 walls all day hoping someone will come in and make it all better - and who is not - is just not therapeutic or healthy.

I know sug... you feel trapped. You are not trapped, that's just your mind twisting and the suicidal thoughts are it's way of trying to untrap itself... it's lying to you. I get into that so much and so often and it's hard once it sets in to realize that it is what it is... a lie. Yet, it's just your mind's way of coping with what it has created... and it's lying to you.

Thought's Of Suicide.

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