It's been a while since i have been on here, dunno really know why i stoped coming on here as much. Today i back as i am really struggling and need someone to talk to. It's two years today since my two little angels died.
The first year was so hard but this year seem's to no better. Everytime their birday comes around or christmas i really go down and struggle.
I wonder everyday what they would look like, i just hate so much that they where taken away from me.
I have no one to talk to about them, if i talk to my mum she starts to cry and if i talk to my boyfriend it's difficult, he trys hard to suport me but he struggls as he feels abit strange (he wasn't their father). I hadn't met him then.
Although it's two years on i just can't click back, i know alot of me died that day.
Now i have started to write this i am just so lost for words. Can't seem to put how i feel.
I gusse i still hate that they are not with me, that it was so unfair that mine got chosen to pass away, that i am a mother without her babies with her, i am angery i can't hold them, kiss them and cuddle them and that i will never get to see them grow. I just want them here with me.
Before them i misscaried a son. I hate that all three are gone. I want them all here with me.
I miss my, Alex , Adam and Lindsey.
Some days i could just end it all to see them and be with them. But i want because i know they wouldn't want that.
That's what keeps me going.
I am so very sorry for your loss Ice Queen. Your words do speak of the deep emotional pain of your loss.
I lost my first baby and every January 6th, I become very withdrawn... silent... even to the point of despair. That was 16 years ago... every January 6th.
This was made worse when my 15 year old daughter became unexpectedly pregnant this past summer. She miscarried and had to go through "the procedure".
Seeing the ultrasound, seeing the baby and not hearing it's little heartbeat... she had no clue but I knew what that meant. All the emotions and feelings washed up and over and I became very angry... am still very angry. Now my daughter is dealing with this loss and will all her days.
I too... will remember July 14th for all my days... along with January 6th.
By chance do you have any animals you could show and give care and love to? It's not the same and I'd certainly not begin to make it as such... but it is a way, to express that love you do possess.
Or a garden... you could plant, prepare, and keep eye on.
Something perhaps not directly children related because the losses are still so open and raw but something abstract from it... like a pet or a garden.
Just thinking and putting thoughts out there.... you needn't need to agree or disagree.
I am sorry Ice Queen
Thankyou so much for your reply, it really did make a difference to me, mayed me feel better know that someone had read and understood my pain.
Sometimes feels like no one understands.
I am so very sorry for the loss your daughter and you have suffered. It is just such a nasty and difficult thing to have to go through.
I do have pets i have a cat and a dog and a tortoise and a budgie. They are a great comfert to me, sometimes don't know where i would be with out them.
Have a small garden which i do keep i put out a lot of bird feeders, love watching the birds flock into the garden.
Another way that i have found that helps me is blowing up a pink and blue ballowns with lights in a just leting them go, at dusk. Watch as they light the sky up.
Thankyou again.