I am a single mom of two kids. (10 and 14) I've been dating a wonderful man who has recently been diagnosed with bi-polarism. We've been together for almost seven months. We get each other at a level that no one has ever gotten us before. We think the same on a lot of things, but yet are very different on the surface. It's wonderful; two different people that really get each other. We are planning on getting married.
I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. I was on prozac for a while but have been able self-manage for about five years through education, faith, yoga and complete honesty with myself when self-observing my moods. He has been diagnosed with depression and ADHD both as an adult. Recently he has been diagnosed with bipolar. Personally, I think the depression and ADHD were misdiagnosed because of the manic and depression part of the disease.
Personally I'm not scared of the disease; I'm just trying to figure out how and when to respond or not respond. I don't feel like he's dealing with a severe case, and he is very self-aware. Constantly learning about himself and making changes. But I'm not used to someone saying things they don't really mean when they are upset .... which now I know is the manic part. I understand the depression part. We just got in a fight today. I'm thinking that my best strategy would be to try to identify when it's a manic phase. Today I tried to reason with him, wrapped up in the topic and not taking a moment to stand back and understand that it wasn't him; it was the mania. Then if I can understand that, then I can give him space until the mania passes. Can anyone give me some advice?? I love him and am in it for the long haul.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Don't tell everyone.
We, who have Bipolar, are human. It's a big secret and not everyone knows this so keep it on the down low, okay?
This is the thing about agitation and irritation; they are real and not imaginary. They often can be irrational but then many of our (humans) emotions and moods are not entirely rational given what is going on at the time.
Many folks, seemingly "normal", can fly completely off the proverbial edge over the most insanely petty things. They don't have Bipolar and they aren't considered manic. Irrational and off the edge? Yes. Manic and Bipolar? No.
I bet that even you, at certain times, can be quite terse, passive aggressive, condescending, agitative, irritating, and push buttons you know are there when in a foul mood. I bet that even you, at certain moments, are in foul moods.
So... you get in an argument - he is agitated to start with - he says quite a few "enlighting" things you did not expect him to say. You immediately go "oh, it's Bipolar and he is manic so he didn't mean any of it." OR he says "I'm sorry. I did not mean any of it. I'm in a state you see and I don't have a clue why it came out but I did not mean any of it."
WRONG
In every argument there in lies a measure of the reality of truth. It is often hidden however, in a distasteful heap of crap. YOU and HE, may not mean to say what is said in the way it is said or in the tone it is said or even the precise wording... but in whatever you both say... there in lies, a small measure of the truth.
The thing with Bipolar is; WE are human, just like you. WE get moods and emotions just like you. The problem and how Bipolar screws us is... cause it's a disorder and not who we are is
we feel each and all these MUCH MORE intensely and thus, our responses aren't always the most loving and positive to ourselves or to those surrounding us.
Yes... you need to become more informed as to what Bipolar disorder is and how Bipolar affects and effects your loved one. What you will find is; it's a highly customized illness.
It will affect and effect him differently because he is a human, unique and individual. You then will need to inform yourself as to how it manifests within him. I'd do this, by the way, long before you say "I DO" to make certain you still "want to".
I'd also give you another little tip; make absolute clear what you will and you will not tolerate now. One might would be; stay on therapy, stay on meds.. if you don't.. I don't AND mean it.
Don't waffle because you think he sick. The illness is lifelong my friend and if you are in it with him lifelong... you'll be right there along with him, life long.
It is his, life long, by the way. He has to own it and be responsible for managing it. If he starts leaning on you and making you co-responsible, then you become the doctor, therapist, nurse, caregiver, etc.. and you become the "responsible" one when it goes awry.. which it will. It's a chaotic illness.
Make him responsible for his own illness and how it's managed. Assist but don't take over or allow him to have you take over... it's his, not yours.
Make very clear what you will and will not live with and tolerate behavior wise. If you don't, you will be teaching him how to treat you and live around you.. ill or otherwise. I assure you, if you don't set boundaries now and keep them - don't waffle or compromise - it will be oh so much harder down the road to get him to then and you'll be likely back here questioning as to why.
Thanks Tabby. I have spent most of the day thinking about this man I love dearly. He uses the words lost and lonely a lot and lost is a good word for me to. I want to be there for him, but in a healthy way. I have found myself 'trying' different things, which seem to not help the situation because its inconsistent and I'm sure can be construed as confusing from his point of view. He's currently really mad at me, but I feel like it will pass... I don't know of course. But it was really nice to have me reminded about a few things. I am very aware that whatever he feels or thinks, no matter how irrational it may or may not seem later, is VERY real at the time. I've dealt with that with my depression. But you gave some fantastic advice on boundaries. Something that every healthy relationship should have.
I don't know what the future will bring, I guess no one does, but I know that I love him and feel like I should be by his side. It is a bit scary, but I'm not going in uniformed. Thank you!