Sorry if this is hard to follow...my mind jumps around a lot. Please bare with me.
I've just been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. After reading about it, it seems everything is pointing towards it. How didn't my psychiatrists find it sooner?
Maybe its because I lie. I lie a lot. I do it to appear normal. Back when I was diagnosed with everything else (anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ADHD, and depression) I felt like I was scaring away my friends. I was still in high school and I hated when they would ask me what's wrong, because I never had an answer. After awhile I felt alienated because I wasn't invited to parties, which wasn't much of a surprise because I was know as the "good girl". I didn't have boyfriends in high school, except for one. That lasted for about a couple months. He was a really nice guy. I broke up with him for no reason. I'd cry every night that I wasn't pretty or skinny. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
The past couple years drastically changed. I worked full-time and went to school full-time (2-year college). I got labeled a work-horse, which I was. When school got more demanding and I had to quit my job, I'd work on school assignments non-stop. School = life. I stopped eating and sleeping because it interfered with schoolwork. The only breaks I took were to cry. I lived on my pills, caffeine, and nicotine. I tried to keep my unhealthy habits to myself but everyone noticed from my appearance. I'd break down crying to my teachers about my homework. My friends were suspecting that I had an eating disorder. I hate people feeling bad for me so I'd lie and pretend everything was fine.
Being by myself doing homework all the time, I was very lonely. I had a lot of one-nighters, which I'm very ashamed of. That's how I met my ex-boyfriend. I'll go through spells where I feel like I have too much energy to sit still. I'd host parties or go to them. Now I'm not a big partier, but at one party I drank the whole bottle of Bacardi Razz, 1-2 beers, 1 mixed drink within 45min. I don't know how I did it or why. I'm not stupid, but I do stuff like that randomly, just like the random guys I sleep with. I hosted a few parties with people from work and all my managers showed up (I was also a manager, but they were higher up than me). Next thing I know, all of my friends & coworkers are standing in the doorway of my room, shocked, laughing, and pointing, catching one of the managers and me in the act. (I didn't have a door.) That created my new reputation. I'd look for a guy to start a relationship with, and ony after a couple of weeks, I'd get bored and look for the next. A cluster of those guys were from work, which wasn't the best idea. During one of my lunch breaks I went and got my nipples pierced. None of those things I can talk about because it's about a person I'm not. I don't want that to define me.
But yes, I do spontenious things out of no where and I won't know where it comes from. I want to be able to eat and sleep normal again but I can't. I'm not anorexic. I just don't like food anymore. I don't like the taste of it. It has nothing to do with weight lose. With the Topamax, I don't even get hungry. When I eat, its only because I'm supposed to. Sleep? I got days without sleep. I don't think I know how to fall asleep anymore. During the day I'll go through energetic spirts which makes me think I don't need sleep. Then at night I get depressed. Usually around 3am I want to do something artistic. That's also the time where I think about how my life's gong nowhere & I need to call friends and talk to them or go out. I used to think about suicide. One time I had a scare and my parents drove me to the emergency room. I just got lectured afterwords. But that was 5years ago. I'm afraid to bring it up to my current psychiatrist. I'm afraid it'll ruin my life now. I don't want things taken away from me, especially when so many things already have.
There's too many expectations of me. I'm supposed to get a job now. That's what you do when you graduate. I just can't get out of this zombie mode I'm in. I have a few things I have to finish for my internship and that's all I think about. I'm always worrying about that and also about finishing my website. I don't want to go to a job interview with my business cards when the website on it isn't finished yet. That's on my mind 24-7. Even right now.
But anyway, that's my story- both sides of it. I'm just a good girl with a party girl reputation. People don't understand and I get that. I just don't understand myself.
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