Recovering from another episode

By nicolette Monday, January 19, 2009

- A
- A
- A

I finally got some sleep last night. I haven't been sleeping well for over a week now. I have symptoms of depression and mania all at once, also known as a mixed state. I've been trying to read my bipolar books to help walk me through this one. It sometimes helps me identify my symptoms and make sense of what's going on with my body.

Problem is, reading sometimes just isn't enough. It helps to talk to people going through the same thing, people with bipolar who know exactly how it feels to be on a mental, emotional, and physical roller coaster ride. That's why I'm here. Unfortunately, I only know one person with bipolar. He also suffers from schizophrenia so our symptoms aren't always the same and I often have to be his support instead of him being mine.

I need some support right now. Recovering from an episode takes a lot out of me. I often get depressed and feel really bad about myself for ways I've acted and things I've done, money I've spent, days I've missed from work....all from behavior beyond my control. The guilt eats me alive some days.

I am on meds, but I recently went off a few weeks before xmas b/c I didn't have $933.00 for my anti psychotics (Abilify) or $688.00 for my mood stabilizer (Trileptal). I was off for 3 weeks. My Dr. office now has a program that I qualified for to get all my meds for free. Now that I'm back on I find my Trileptal might not be working as it has for years. Maybe I'm not giving it enough time but I've been back on for weeks now and experiencing episodes and mood swings.

My Dr. and psychotherapist of over a year and a half can't seem to get me to open up. I don't feel he knows as much about bp as my old Dr. did. I want to switch back and just find another psychotherapist on the side and give it one more try. I can't keep going like this. I need therapy but cant seem to find the right fit.

I'm stuck with meds that aren't working and a Dr. who doesn't understand me......I need someone who can relate. : (

Nicolette

Comments (7) | Add comment

tabby

1/19/09 6:45pm

I have mixed episodes often.

They aren't for the faint hearted, for sure.

I used to try to describe them for people and I would try to paint the picture of being in a car at an intersection. You have your left foot on the brake, your right on the gas (I drive automatics), while the gear shift is in drive. The car is bucking and roaring, jerking, in an effort to race race but the brake is holding tight.

Mixed episodes are like that sometimes to me. My car wants to race race but the brake is on tight - the mind is racing and zipping but wanting to quit all at the same time.

My pdocs over the last few years have all said that Mixed episodes are the more dangerous because the person has the drive and motivation to do something irrational and the depressive state to decide to hell with it and do it.

Some have been so utterly bad for me that I have literally felt like my mind was splitting in two from the mix of moods going at the same time. It isn't pretty, it isn't kind, and it certainly isn't enjoyable by no person's imagination.

The deal with meds, as I have been told, is that sometimes what you have been on that has worked - once you come off it - it gets out of your system - and then you attempt to restart it - won't work as it did before and you have to go a different route with a different med. This might be the case with you. I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure. You really need to talk this out with your pdoc.

I'm sorry that your professional folks aren't being as supportive as you'd like but glad that you qualify for a program to provide your meds to you. I'd keep telling them what you need for them to hear in the hopes one of them will stop and listen. You are wanting to get back on track, they should be willing to help you stay on the rails.

nicolette

1/19/09 7:29pm

Thank you so much for your comment. You put it into words so perfectly. I totally agree with the feeling of my feet on the brake and the gas at the same time.

I am going to keep trying w/ the pdoc. I think this Fridays apt. will be the last w/ the Dr. I have right now. I want to start seeing my old Dr. again. He was able to relate so well and was very informative when it came to bipolar. I saw him for years until Medicaid forced me to switch to 1 Dr for both med monitoring and psychotherapy.

Feel free to message me anytime. I would like nothing more than to chat with someone who knows what I'm going through.

Take care and hope to hear from you soon.

Anne Serrano

1/22/09 1:20pm

The very first thing you must do is let go of your guilt. Guilt is, in my opinion, the one truly worthless emotion. It changes nothing and it drags you down. You are sick and don't need to feel guilty about it. Second, stay on your meds. I am so glad that you will be able to get your meds for free. Trying to cope without meds is like being on a crashing airplane with no seat belt or safety exits. Third, if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, by all means seek out a new one. But keep seeing the one you have until you can make a safe transition. Some help is better than none at all. Lastly, try to celebrate your small successes. Did you get up? Did you go to work? Did you do a load of laundry? All of these small tasks are taken for granted by healthy people. But for ill people like you and me these can sometimes be gargantuan obstacles. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous

1/22/09 5:05pm

I am in a group with other bi-polars. The group therapists are teaching us cognitive therapy skills that help us back away from our thoughts in our heads, to observe them without acting on or judging them. It's helping many to deal with the racing thoughts and the harsh judgements we make of ourselves. Maybe you could ask your Dr.s about getting into such a group. Took me 7 years to find this.

mhoz

1/22/09 5:57pm

Nicolette,

I totally know how you feel. Going through the mixed state is not a fun experience. I would tell you that you haven't givin the meds enough time to work. My phsychiatrists says it takes months for the full affect to take place. It took me actually a year and a half to get stablized. It may be that you need a little stronger dose.

For the time being you have to give yourself a break. Your sick! Of course your going to miss days of work. I'm surprise you even have a job right now. You need to take good care of yourself and the first step is loving yourself. I know its hard to think on the bright side these days, the depression is just an evil stuper. It tricks your mind to think of all the negative, but please don't give up hope. There are other medications you can try to get this under control.

My mixed episodes left me homeless. I had lost all control of my mind. I was rotten to all my loved ones. So trust me I can understand the guilt that the disease brings on, but YOUR not the one to blame, its the disease. So untill this cycle subsides, just try and not be too hard on yourself.

Tracey Reed

1/22/09 10:10pm

Hey Nicolette I have BP same as u and also experience mixed moods, but unfortunately I have no Dr, or meds, and I know u are probably saying how can I say it is going to be ok, well I have learned through out my many episodes that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad that u found a way to get your meds for free, because with out them your recovery would be that much harder. If u want to find a new doc then do so because it is your health on the line and u have to be selfish and think about yourself first. Well since I am going through my own crisis I am going to go before I stop making sense.....lol Take it easy and remember when you go through a Manic phase and act like or say things that are not your usual character it is not you it is your illness.....much love and support I am here if you need to talk

Siobhan

1/24/09 2:21pm

I have Bi Polar and BPD. I do not drink as I know it doesn't make my med's work as good. I too have been on a mania side which I like very much. My family was happy to see the OLD ME appear again, after years of depression. Though My Dr. Didn't like what he saw after months of seeing me be manic. He lowered my dose of Cymbalta, and I had a bad reaction and dove into a deep depression. He brought me back up to 120 but every other day, and that still didn't help. Finally, I was so exhausted and depressed, he puts me back on my full does of 120 everyday. I was lucky he didn't play with my Lamictal as that keeps the suicide thoughts away. I have not had any for over a year and a half.

But after the holidays...Which are devastating to me. Jan and winter blues. Family losses, I didn't want my med's to change in the first place. And I listen to them.

Now I found out that I have to wait for the regular dose to work. They tell me it might take as long as I was manic. Which is NOT what I wanted to hear.

I have used my tranqs to keep me from being so agitated and mean. I have rested as much as I need too. I keep from stressful situations. But I have also closed myself off from the things I love. Which I need to push myself and have my supporters..(MY FRIENDS) help me to do.

I understand totally what your going through. The spiral effects of what are bodies go through. I can only tell you this. IT is so hard to find Psychiatrist who really understand BPD...My Therapist does and I am blessed I have her. She is the only person who I trust and is a constant person in my life who can really listen to me.

I think you need to search for that. Someone you can have a good relationship so no matter if your angry sad or happy or manic. They are there in a constant positive way.

Keep positive people in your life. Use your friends and family members who REALLY understand the disease. Stay away from the BP books...and find light and fun reading.

Watch TV and something you enjoy. Make your self happy first...Cause no one but you have that kind of power.

Find a support group. Use DBT skills...(which is hard to do when your in a mood)

I don't even listen to my own advice as it is hard when your hurting so much.

Dec, Jan are hard months for normal people....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Recovering from another episode

Ask a Question