This is a touchy one...

By morninggrl Sunday, January 20, 2008

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This is really hard to write about, but sheesh, who else am I going to talk to at this hour? I've been in a mixed hypomanic state for months. I already know that I'm hypersexual for a reason, and the reason is called bipolar disorder. Tonight, it almost got the better of me. Now, mind you, I have a great bf. He just happens to live in a different state. Highly inconvenient but for the most part a good thing. I've always had a hard time keeping my attention on just one man. Not that it's not doable, but you know, not easy all the time. For the first time in the year that I've been seeing this awesome guy, I had all that stuff running through my mind again this evening when I was out with friends at a bar, talking with a friend of a friend. It was horrible. I won't worry you with details, but I left the bar on my own, drove home, and voila, the bf called me just before i could call him. Psychic? Perhaps. He's 2hrs ahead of me, so maybe just concerned. Of course I didn't tell him...how would you bring that up? So, baby, I was imagining...Nope, I'll skip that conversation. I'm of the mindset that he's not going to understand what really happened. What happened isn't that I got interested in this other, rather nice-looking guy, and contemplated something that wasn't okay. What happened is that all of a sudden, mid-conversation, my mind took off on its own and left the rational 'me' behind. The rational 'me' managed to stay in the driver's seat and control my actions, which is better that it used to be able to do. (Thank you, Risperdal!) I would never want to hurt my bf or make him worry that I'd actually cheat on him. I know that manic states can bring on all kinds of risky behaviors, and of course this kind of thing is one of them, so I'm not alone in this and I'm not some weirdo or anything. I'm just struggling, and I needed to get it out. So...thanks for listening. I feel good about myself tonight.

How do you know when to call the cops on your child?

Comments (9) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

1/20/08 6:24am

We all have these urges. I've been married 22 years and I can't tell you how often I've had them. The important thing is to keep the consequences in your mind and to never ever ever act on those thoughts.

If you have to, think of how it will hurt him if you do have the convo after you've gone too far. What will his reaction be?

morninggrl

1/22/08 1:21am

Exactly. I think he'd try to understand, but who wants to hurt someone they care about, especially for something that doesn't actually affect the relationship?

Eric

1/20/08 7:30am

Your feeling no different that anyone else in your shoes that wants and needs attention. Why lay it to the illness? Most normal healthy people look…only natural and you didn’t go home with the guy and had you, I would still have issues with blaming the illness for your psychical needs.

The conversation with the boyfriend could have been….Oh baby, I met this really hot guy…did I mention he was hot and my eyes burned right through his cloths…ohhhhhhhh baby… he just made me burn up and caused a fever in me. But I just controlled myself cause of the lady I am! Oh…and how was you day baby?

morninggrl

1/20/08 10:17pm

I respectfully beg to differ. It wasn't about attention, and it wasn't that an attractive guy caught my eye. It was totally irrational and unwanted, and very intense. I've been insecure before and flirted just to feel good about myself, and last night wasn't like that. My hypomanias make 'fun' things more intense. If I'm out horseback riding, I may gallop faster than is safe and jump things that I shouldn't (and I have). If I'm out driving, I may far exceed the speed limit, run stop signals, and cut people off (and I have). If I'm out at a bar, I may drink too much, dance too dirty, dress too suggestively, and go home with someone I don't know (and yes, I have). The intensity of my feelings and the lack of inhibition are created by my bipolar disorder (classic symptoms, as a matter of fact), and I'm proud to be able to say that I can control it now. In my early 20's, before my meds, I wasn't able to. But to take the blame off of the illness is to pretend it doesn't exist. I've learned a lot about my bp and I know that if I don't control it, it will control me. No, I won't have any convo with my bf about this, because nothing about last night affects our relationship. I care for him more than I sometimes like to admit, and he deserves respect and faithfulness from me - which he will always get. I just posted because I was very proud of myself and because I thought someone would understand.

tabby

1/20/08 10:20am

I'm in agreement with Eric in that the illness creates the urges and the "thinking" but it is YOU that controls the behavior.

Bipolar doesn't cause the action or the reaction. It causes the emotion and mood. The individual causes the action or the reaction. I'm going to make some folks mad up in here but the truth can sometimes be a very painful thing.

Unless you are totally schizophrenic and completely out of your mind with psychosis (in which case you need hospitalization or institutional help) - the illness twists and convulates the mood and emotion that comes from it. The individual however, causes the response to it.

So, if you go to the dairy bar where you know the other flavor of milk is made via alcohol, music, and surroundings - and you have this overwhelming impulse to drink some of the other milk while sitting there at the dairy bar - then just don't go to the dairy until the impulse leaves ya.

If you love and are committed to your bf then don't disrespect him or yourself by doing something you know isn't right and then go a crying that the Bipolar made ya do it. Honey, Bipolar didn't make ya - you did.

The fact that your rational side kicked in means you have some morals and values in there. You know it isn't right and you didn't act on it. Good for you! You'd certainly not accept a lame excuse from your bf if he went to the dairy bar in his state and sampled another flavor and then say "it wasn't me, it was the roach on the floor that made me do it".

morninggrl

1/20/08 10:24pm

Tabby, I love your analogy. A dairy bar. Awesome. No, I agree with you, though....I'd definitely say that I have to control my own responses to the impulses that the illness throws my way. Last night was an unusual situation for me in that I ended up alone at a bar that my crowd is well known, with a trusted friend of a friend. We were listening to people karaoke, drinking water, waiting for my drink to wear off so I could drive. We had had a remembrance for my sister's late fiance and this guy and I were the last one to leave. We weren't flirting, we were talking about Mike and how much we loved him. That's why my sudden reaction shocked the hell out of me. But yeah...since this happened again to me, I won't be in that situation again. No more dairy bar for me. Blush

tls

1/20/08 10:44am

I think it is important that while in a manic state many (not all) bipolar's do not have the capacity to think through their actions and just act and regret later. I'm not making excuses I own every bad thing I ever did but if I think that my faulty moral code caused it I would be in despair (which I was for years). Because I know that a misfire in my brain started the ball rolling I can live with myself. Granted I'm in my 40's now and the riskiest behavior I have now while manic is buying a new car (right now it's a black mustang and it is quite lovely and a joy to drive). When I was in my 20's I went home with anything if I had enough to drink. I didn't know I was bipolar in my 20's but I also had some awesome friends who kind of guarded me because I would get so out of control. I can't drink at all now because it messes with my meds and my mind but if I was to go have cocktails I would make sure my girl friends knew ahead of time to not let me get to out of control. Manic is not fun anymore and hypomanic just gives me a stomach ache and makes my skin crawl so I work very hard to stay balanced and calm. Bless my boyfriends heart - but I never stay for an entire wedding reception or party because the stimuli is way to much for me. We always take seperate cars so I can go home when I feel like I'm losing control.

We, as bipolar's, have to work very hard with our doctors and therapists to find what works for us because we are not cookie cutters.

Anyway, the point of all this ramble, Morning Girl, is to say congratulations you kept yourself in control - that's a step to being healthy and don't beat yourself up because of what almost could of happened because it didn't happen!!!

24hbipolar2

1/20/08 11:26am

I agree with tis..the BD sets you up and sometimes it is difficult to see the forest for the trees when you are hypomanic. I started a disatrous rrelationship during a hypomanic state that was all about sex and nothing else. i can own up to that now, but at the time I was all into it. You should be very proud of yourself for recognizing symptoms and taking the steps necessary to guard yourself and you relationship with your bf. Don't stress yourself with anxiety about what 'almost happened". Know your limits and keep inside them. You should feel good today!!

morninggrl

1/20/08 10:16pm

'Do not have the capacity to think through their actions', well said. That explains a lot about my 20's! I did the same things as you when I was drinking and yes, I live with many regrets...the one thing I don't have to live with is self-reproach, because I came to the conclusion that if I hated myself for every action I took when I was manic and unmedicated, I'd never be free of it. Now that I know I have this 'manic-depressive' thing, I can sort of see it coming and stack the deck in my favor with things like supportive friends, as you mentioned. Thanks for your support, tls. It means a lot!

This is a touchy one...

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