How do you know when to call the cops on your child?

By morninggrl Tuesday, January 22, 2008

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My son had his most destructive rage yet last weekend, and I'm still not sure what to do. I had to lock him outside to keep him from getting after my daughter, and he kicked a big dent in my car and was threatening to break windows. I knew he'd really do it so I opened the door, caught him in the safe hold, and held on for dear life while he kicked me, pinched me and tried to bite me. My sister, my parenting class facilitator and our counselor have all told me that I should have called the police in on that one and I just want to know, what's the sign that it's time? Has anyone had to do this yet, and how do you know? I wish I had. I wish I had a police report on the damage to my car. Every rage has gotten worse, and I'm afraid of what he'll do next time.

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Kathryn Usher

1/22/08 4:03am

Gosh, it sounds like you've had a tough weekend. I'm not sure how old your child is and if it would make a difference what his age is. At our house we've been dealing with bipolar issues for over 14 years. How would I handle a rage like that? Would a call to 911 for an ambulance be in order to get him to a hospital to get meds straightened out? Sometimes a stay in the hospital does as much good for the family (a break from the patient) as it does the patient.

Unfortunately, my husband and daughter never got the right meds until we got them out of the state mental health system and the LAChip program (for Katee). Also once Katee became 18 it was amazing what medication options became available to her.

In those systems many times it was our experience that folks wanted to do more talk therapy rather than prescribe medicine that worked. And then there were times we were offended by being told to pray about things.

We've always maintained that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or kidneys. And while no one would tell patients to pray away a heart attack or with the right words dialysis won't be needed, this is done every day when it comes to dealing with neurobiological disorders. I would also never call the cops on a heart patient so I would never call the cops on a brain patient.

Federation of Families for Children's Mental Health is a good place to start for support. They even have state and local chapters.

I hope things get better.

Hopeful mom

1/22/08 6:09am

If he's a danger to himself or someone else, you need to call 911 and have them take him to the hospital. It's for his own good and will help to get him stable.

You said he's been raging alot worse. Is he on medication?

You need to contact his pdoc about this and get things adjusted.

Good luck.

tabby

1/22/08 8:27am

If you or someone in the home feel unsafe, scared, or threatened by him - 911 needs to be called.

If he is already on medication, the levels aren't right. He needs a trip to his pdoc now.

If he is clearly a danger to himself, call 911.

The concern here, for me anyway, is that someone other than he will end up getting seriously physically hurt or worse, killed (it has happened).

A illness isn't the only thing happening here. There is also learned acceptable behavioral responses & coping skills.

He biting and kicking you, his mom, is bad enough.

The older he gets, the harder it will be for you to just "hold him" and the more violent his aggressiviness will become if you don't get it controlled now.

You locked him outside so he wouldn't get to his sister, what the..?" and you "held him". You saw a threat to your daughter obviously or you wouldn't have "lock him outside". What would've happened had he gotten to his sister?

Kids have to know there are consequences and there has to be boundaries which can't be crossed. He is responding to something in his head with violent behavior. You can't allow him to use violent behavior when he doesn't get his way about something. I don't give a diddly squat that he may have a disorder - that can't be the excuse for violent physical behavior, you are giving him an excuse to destroy property, bite and kick you, and get after his sister.

As long as anyone (adult or child) sees that they can get by using violence as a weapon, they'll continue to do so until someone stops them.

In the real world, had your son did what you posted here to strangers on the street - he would either be in jail, in a hospital lock up, or well - seriously injured or killed.

morninggrl

1/22/08 2:55pm

He's 12. He's on Geodon & Lamictal, but apparently not enough. The creepy and confusing thing is that his rages are so...methodical. He's not screaming at the top of his lungs and flailing around madly and hitting everything in sight, like he did when he was younger - he threatens to do things or hurt people, but he sounds very deliberate about it. It baffles me. When I rage, I can't stop what I'm doing and I don't know what's going to happen next. He seems to direct it where he wants it. What does that mean?? I'm not sure all of this is raging - I think some of it is a lot of internal anger. He hates me for passing on the bipolar to him, and he has anger issues with his dad and his ex-stepdad.

The threat to his sister was that she was on the couch with a migraine, hiding and weeping under a blanket, and out of anger with me for not getting his way, he began to kick the couch saying that he hoped it did make her worse. I didn't know what he'd do next, so I marched him outside by the back of his neck & his upper arm. I did NOT hurt him. This behavior of his is constantly escalating. Every rage is worse, or whatever you want to call it. Temper tantrum, I don't know. This one was terrible. The last bad one, he whipped me with a towel. Now please don't think that I hang back and let this stuff happen - I know how to use the safe hold, and I do. I never let him walk away after hurting me, or trying to. I hold him until he's calm and he agrees to stop. That can be a long time! I'm not some beaten down, abused mom here. I'm just not sure what to do after that.

I have an appt with his psychiatrist on the 31st to review his meds. And I think you're all right about calling 911 when he's a danger to himself or others...I think that includes respecting property, too. Not so much that they should take him to the hospital, but maybe having police show up and make their point will help. I think all the time about how he's crossing people's boundaries (like mine), and how he's almost training himself to get what he wants by violence and defiance. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm taking a parenting class called Love & Logic, and it's good information and most of it helps...but when he says "you can't make me" like a 2-year old, and I really can't, what then? My daughter and I are frequently walking on eggshells around my 12 year old son, and that's ridiculous. I never thought it would be like this. He's so volatile so much of the time, and the rest of the time he's sweet and helpful and loving. I never know which child I'm going to get. Sound familiar?

Eric

1/23/08 7:31am

Where is dad in all of this?

morninggrl

1/24/08 12:07am

'Dad' is a useless piece of...whoops. Sorry. 'Dad' lives about 2 hours away and isn't much involved. He calls when he feels like it and has sporadic visits. My son calls him on occasion. My children's father goes back and forth between believing that our son has a mental health illness, a vitamin deficiency, or behavioral problems stemming from my 'bad' parenting. He changes his mind about whether our son should even take any meds, which is terribly confusing for a child. 'Dad' doesn't even consistently supervise the meds during visitation, so it's not uncommon for me to send him with all the meds and still have an undermedicated child come home acting out terribly. I can't think of a reason to even have him around, but the parenting plan says I have no choice, and my kids do still love him.

Eric

1/22/08 8:53am

Having to go inpatient doesn’t have to be considered a bad thing as most feel...for most it’s a turning point to help the person make an informed decision or choice to get onto the right track. Perception is everything. People are not going to change unless change is less painful than where their at now

When my illness was going full tilt...it was mental pain to the extreme but I was slow at getting the right help because I had somehow felt I deserved to be that way. Nobody deserves to be depressed or the other way of fill blow mania with paranoid delusional thoughts and rages.

Understand that when you make that call...this person may end up hating you, but keep in mind you may have just saved their life and that’s worth the call in itself.

Hopeful mom

1/23/08 6:47am

The hospitalization was painful and made me feel guilty. IT was the best thing that ever happened to us.

Financially it sucks but it saved our family. If you have to do it, don't feel bad. It will make him a happier person.

morninggrl

1/24/08 12:09am

HM, can you email me or message me and tell me more? I've replied to your posts before and I'd like your input, if that's okay...

How do you know when to call the cops on your child?

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