I called the ambulance in 1983 believing I was having a nervous breakdown. After the birth of my son, I spent 15 years of suffering through hell with no diagnosis. My hospitalization was the miracle I relentlessly prayed for. I know that my husband and 15 yr. old son met with some hospital representative for what I thought was education about my illness, bipolar disorder. After my release from the hospital 3 weeks later, armed with powerful medications and education, I learned that my family knew only a tiny bit about the disorder. Their actions toward me lacked empathy, compassion, and willingness to adapt. That was 24 years ago. All of us are still paying the price. My son blames me for not being there for him at a time when he was considering colleges. His father made that choice. After marriage, divorce, and now a new relationship, the two women in his life have listened to his pain and have been extremely rude to me through emails and to my face. Over the past 1 1/2 years there has been a meager bit of contact with them. I have requested face to face discussions with me to resolve what I believe to be a slew of misunderstandings. They weren't there when our family faced my terrible illness. They have made assumptions about my personality from 3,000 miles away and only yearly visits. Now that I have moved to be near them, especially my 11 yr. old granddaughter, my son has backed off from including me in their family. He led me to believe that it would be OK to live near them. Instead, his fiancee', who was raised in a home with domestic violence, has been abusive to me. At first, when I visited them a few times, she welcomed me with open arms. After my son told her that I was definitely moving here, she expressed fury to my son that she is jealous of me in that she believes that I want my son to show her that he loves me more than he loves her. That is one of the most ABSURD assumptions, so far. As a result of my standing up for myself, I am not allowed to have a relationship with my granddaughter as well as my son and his fiancee'.
I believe that my son has not healed from the trauma of my hospitalization, diagnosis, ensuing divorce from his alcoholic father, and his resentment that I helped others as a social worker since he was 12 yrs. old. I have requested that he and I go into therapy now in order to work on healing these old wounds. I commented that it would very helpful that he learn what bipolar disorder is all about. He refuses.
My question is: Do any of you have experience with this kind of family alienation? How have you handled it?
Thank you so much.
M
I tend to be a straight shooter when giving my take or suggestion of what I would or would not do. I think it was totally absurd to ask your son to go to a therapy session 24 years later because of what you believe to be his failings in managing his life today.
Time for a reality check…what’s going on has little to no bearing to your hospital stay 24 years ago and more based on the interactions you are having with him and his family today. There is no choice if he is committed to his family…his fiancé and daughter come first and you get the meager left over.
I would kick my son’s butt if he didn’t consider me the extended family with his first and foremost responsibilities toward his immediate family…his wife and child. If you want any relationship with him or your grand daughter…it’s time to grovel and kiss her *** or just not have contact, your choice.
I can understand if you want to base your whole life around your illness…your choice, but don’t make him do the same. He has moved on and has no inclinations to want to relive it.
Hey Eric,
Thanks for your poignant comments. I agree with you in so many ways. One difficulty I have with this kind of conversation is that there are details that I left out due to time and space, especially the fact that they were the ones who brought up the bipolar factor.
I will stop there and get off this subject because one thing that I learned through "cyberspats" with them is that it is impossible to have a productive discussion by email or SharePost. I feel that no matter what the other communicator and I write there are too many ways to interpret without face to face conversations. Therefore, thanks for reading and sharing your words of wisdom.