Why do the spouses of bipolar take all the abuse?

I was a bit insulted as well

Don't ya just love the constant generalization and sterotyping?

Blatant lumping together

Tabby-Nice to hear that you're not abusive but a majority of the spouses that write in state degrading and abuse.  I just felt that this was a trait of someone that had bipolar because it's mentioned so much by spouses.  We're all gathering information and trying to understand about our loved ones.  There is no competition except the yearning to connect with the person we fell in love with and not the stranger that they have become.  We're all insulted, all degraded and all in search of answers to this illness.  When we write in, we're writing from our hearts and how torn they are because of our personal challenges.  We don't have the answers and there are no insults being given.  Just cries for answers.  If it were a perfect world, none of us would be writing in ...would we?   Vicki

"I just felt that this was a trait of someone that had bipolar because it's mentioned so much by spouses."

You posted that you had studied this illness after living with your husband for 7 years. 

Apparently, my hunch was correct.  You only studied your husband and the other spouses of folks who post on boards such as this and never actually really "studied" the illness or folks with the disorder from all angles fairly.

Now, you know.  Bipolar Disorder affects and effects each individual differently.  Each individual with their respective form of the illness copes, manages, and reacts to it's affects and effects differently.  If one with the illness chooses not to seek treatment, chooses not to undergo some type of therapy, chooses to self-medicate with alcohol and illegal drug activity then that is his/her choice and therefore chooses how he or she copes, manages, and reacts to their form of their illness.

Oh and not all with Bipolar Disorder abuse and degrade and not all who abuse and degrade have Bipolar Disorder.

I also believe on this site is a listing somewhere of different reading resource material for which you might be interested in picking up at your local library or bookstore to read up on the illness itself.  There are books for loved ones and those who struggle with the illness alike in an effort to better understand the illness and how it may or may not affect and effect each individual differently.

Tabby-Thank you for your reply.  I've only studied the illness since he was diagnosed October 2007.  I didn't even know what it was.  I so appreciate your reply!  Vicki

Well said! I wish people would REALLY research and learn about BP; it would just cut down on so much of the blanket stereotypes that people have with the disorder.  I live with it and there was so much I learned about myself through research. If I can get so much from finding information and I have BP I can only imagine what someone from an outside view could benifit. I feel this applies to any illness or disorder that someone in your life has that you want to understand.

With that said no one should put up with being degraded or abused!!! I speak from the bad side of those situations. I am on a great management plan and have been stable for 4 years, but at one time I was very emotionally abusive and pron to rages. I never got physically abusive at any point but it was abuse none the less. In my heart I feel that nobody should be made to feel the way I made some people feel.

Chris-I have read hundreds of responses from spouses that are with bipolar mates.  You are a gem and the first one that I have heard that is not degrading and abusive to your spouse.  She is a very lucky lady!  Thank you for your reply-Vicki

I am so sorry you feel singled out in the blog comment, It is true that not all bipoar individuals are abusive although a high percent are. I myself am a spouse of someone diagnosed with bipolar and I also am phsically and mentally abused (7 years and never the same day?). So if you think that blog was directed at you then you have issue's Which may need to be talked about in therapy, you may be one of those who take things personel, so my suggestion is (that is if you can handle it)  to quit thinking it is all about you and take responabilty for all issue's surrounding you get of the pity pot and realize you are a major contributor to the problems in your life. stop blaming other people for you problems I understand living with this Disorder sucks. If you have a caring mate,(most of us do) I would hope they would try and understand this Disorder as much as you. It is hard for a spouse to understand this disorder(there are many books and websites) but a few things that I have learned, I am not your problem and I can only try to make you comfortable and get they tools in a way so I may understand and be aware of your triggers,this helps. I also let the other individual know of  my intentions if they like it or not. The responabilty for you maintained health lies on you. In other words your decide your own fate and quit blaming others. I hope this was not to harshs. This directed at you, I stated this because I am fully aware of the abuse that goes along on both sides with this disorder, And hopefully I may help someone in the future.

PS: I have been and am continuing  my education in the studies Bi-Polar Disorder and other devastating mental disorders. Remember with help and support from others we can all try to make a difference in someones live.

Best Regards,

Kyle

PS: I have been dating and In love with my Wife for seven years, and everyday I have to remind myself that my significant other is diagnosed bipolar with the help of some easy reads questins to her therapist (I sit in and interact with her through her weekly seesions) Helpful very Helpful.    ONE MORE THING AND IN KNOW WAY AM I AFFILLIATED WITH,  IS THE GREATEST BIPOLAR WEBSITE THAT I HAVE FOUND OUT THERE, IT DOES COST MONEY BUT I HAVE NEVER PAID BECAUSE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH FREE INFORMATION AND LINKS ON THIS SITE THE NAME IS WWW.DAVIDOLIVER.COM OR google david oliver

Kyle-By no means do I feel "singled" out.  I feel blessed that I was able to recognize my ex husbands illness and be there for him even though he chose not to continue with meds and therapy I get what I had to do as a friend and spouse. My exhusband enjoyed the buzz without the medication because the meds leveled him out and it was way too much of a life change for him.  I respect him but also respected myself and it's been 14 months of getting me back and not not being a caregiver for someone to chose to go down another path which I fully respect.  God only gives us what we can handle and I admire all the people out there who have this illness who follow a program and have wonderful people along side of them for love and support.  Unfortunately, my ex husband was on his own journey!  I have been 14 months clean from domestic verbal abuse and life hasn't been better.  I speak my feeling( they belong to me) and only share the truth about my own experience.  Blessings to you Kyle for being a wonderful companion to your wife!      

I had an abusive BP spouse as well and while I can see how BP's on this site might get offended by that comment, I too have read up on this, studied as much as I could, went to BP support groups, and talked to MANY spouses on this site - and 90% of the BP spouses were abusive in one way or another.  Whether willingly or unknowingly.  I have found this to be in a lot of cases.  Maybe this is becuase they put on a show for everyone else (in my case) and keep this image up during the day at work and in front of friends... and when they come home they feel they can be themselves and unleash the demons that have been circling in their heads all day long on someone familiar - who they trust. 

Now, my own personal experience is with someone who was NOT medicated at the time he crashed.  It was too late when he got the diagnosis, and he just got worse the days following where I had had enough.  The blame, the yelling, the coldness, the lifeless zombie this man I thought I knew had become.  Please do not lash out at spouses on this site because everyone has a different personal experience.  Maybe it comes out the wrong way sometimes out of frustration, but i think it helps everyone to walk in the others' shoes now and then.

I agree with you because this is the life I lived.  No one needs to be defensive because we're trying to find answers to what were going thru.  It's so easy for someone reading our feelings to past judgement but we're talking from a heart that has been crushed.  To walk away from a relationship without closure and just go on with life like nothing has happened the last 7 years.  Get over it, it's gone-so very easy for someone to write this but our hearts still are trying to figure out what happened to the person we so very much loved?  Best to you, you're not alone!  Vicki 

Hey Eric-Thanks for the input.  I'm a very compassionate loving considerate person. I'm a great listener and  turn the other cheek.  Never had the word "nag" referred before.  In fact, I work fulltime and would have a full course meal ready when my husband arrived in the door. I'm independent and extremely supportive.  I have read so many spouses that have commented about degrading and abuse and I'm just trying to get an answer.  I'm not about alot of fluff or material things just getting a better handle on bipolar.  Thanks for  the input!  Vicki   

Dustin-Thank you ...the best response yet.  Vicki

Hey Mr. Bluebird-Thank you for the comment!  I'm getting me back and so appreciate the input and support!  Vicki

Bobby-There is an angel above.  Finally someone who realizes what its all about.  I sit here at my office mourning the loss of the man that I love and am so heart broken over.  Your response it what I needed.  Again, thank you so much for totally understanding what I'm going thru!  My prayers are with you-Vicki 

thank you Vicki, my prayers are certainly with you as well.  i think we are fortunate to

have a way to connect and share with others in our situations.  its not just the resources, but the sharing and support which takes place on a personal level as well.

if there is anything i can ever help with, please let me know.  bobby

Hey Bobby-Just checking in-The divorce is ugly.  My husband won't talk to me so we go thru the attorneys.  $325.00 per hour and my ex is arguing over firewood?  Hope all is going well with you!  Vicki 

Bobby - sounds familiar.  I would love to chat if you have time.  SHoot me an email!

Rose-you are your name..."Rose"!  Thank you so much for the kind thoughts.  Vicki

Hi-I read this post and keep coming back to it!  I so wish that my Joe would say this to me.  I wish for him to acknowledge that I am there for him and I would give 1/2 my liver to him if he needed it.  The demon that consumes him now is quite ugly!  Your words are great and thank you for taking the time for me!  Vicki 

have you printed these comments (all of them) and sent them to joe? in his condition, he doesn't see reality; he CAN'T hear the truth; the written word is powerful because it can wait for the emotional barriers to subside and still be available for the recipient to absorb when he is in a better (calmer/more normal) state. short, simple, sincere, direct - much easier for the truth of the situation to be conveyed than, let's say, telling joe to read a book on bipolar.

also, wisdom is power - the power to move on, get stronger, become the real you...adversity produces significantly more wisdom than the gentle waters of "everything is okay and calm"; so, look for the wisdom in every situation; pretend you are the objective, old chinese man giving vicki advice and pointing out to her, situation by situation, the wisdom that is knocking on her door.

FYI for all: i've been to a wide variety of doctors and therapists on this journey to understand and overcome this "bipolar thing". i am actually bipolar II - it includes an element of adhd which is reflected by the mania portion being more a state of hyper irritation than a state of creative energy. chemical formula that works for me (after 10 years of every other combination on the planet): 300 mg of wellbutrin once per day; 300 mg of trileptal twice per day; 30 mg of vyvanse once per day.  

God I always wished my ex would have woken up and stopped the denial and said those words to me.  I supported him for years and got slapped in the face in return.  I still struggle with losing the love of my life to this disease but I know it's for the best.  Please contact me, as I would love some insight into what u and your wife are going thru - i think it would be very helpful to me!

Hi-I filed for divorce and am sick to my stomach because I reallyb don't know the man that I'm dealing with now.  I'm beating myself up for allowing someone to treat me in this fashion and not setting boundaries.  On August 20th, our last phone conversation he told me that I was a nobody.  I had nothing to offer anyone.  He owned his own business and I owned my own business.  I did the bookkeeping and clerical with both companies along with taking care of my two teenage sons.  When Joe arrived home, there were two beers in the refrig, Rachel Ray Dinner, dessert and off to bed at 6:00pm.  I would put lotion on his feet and sometimes wrap them because they were a mess.  Give him a full body massage, aloe vera on his face and off to sleep.  Then I would go downstairs make a homemade dessert for his lunch.  Make lunch  (huge). a note on his steering wheel and a rose on his wiper blade.  Back upstairs at 10:25 to start his shower.  he would be downstairs where I would have his Red Bull waiting, walk him out and off to bed.  Between all of this I did homework with my boys and bookkeeping for his trucking company.  When he came down stairs, all he did was sign paperwork, checks, etc..Never a thank you or anything.  He would always have to be acknowledged for what he did.  Cut the lawn or fix something.   Unfortunately, I fell in love with a wonderful man that I haven't seen in a longtime.  I've been lonely for such a longtime.  I just wanted someone to appreciate me for just being me. We have an appointment  on  Thursday, 9/11 to meet with our attorneys and I'm sick just thinking about seeing him-Call or email me anytime-I'm all alone!  Vicki          

Vicki, can you email me at dweller@deltavalve.com.  I'd like to talk to you privately if I could regarding this situation.  It looks like we are in the same boat.  I am the poster that has been married 14 years.  My name is Doug.  Please email me when you get a chance so I can respond personally or call.

Doug

Doug-Sounds like you need a friend from California to talk toGive me a call & we will talk Vicki

Vicki:  First off, I'm sure Doug is a wonderful person but I would caution you not to contact anyone you "meet" on the web.  You really don't know anything other than what he/she tells you & that may not be the full story or even the truth.  You have enough going on in your life without adding the complication of a stranger perhaps invading your privacy or something.  Just be cautious, PLEASE.  And Doug, no offense.  I'd say the same thing about ME.  I could be, I don't know, a stalker or something.

But actually I am a wife with bipolar & my mother had bipolar.  She was very verbally abusive towards my father & blamed him for her unhappiness & everything that was wrong in her life.  This was during the 60's & 70's & the treatment was not very good--ECT's, meds not very good.  She had numerous suicide attempts, was hospitalized over & over again, was physically & verbally abusive to us kids (verbally & emotionally to me--physically to my younger brother).

I remember having to call the police (my father moved out & left us with her; he had enough & deserted us--still supported us financially & checked in time to time, but basically was not there for us) as I was afraid she was going to kill my brother.  She heard me call them & by the time they arrived she was ready to serve them tea & they looked at me like I was the crazy one--talk about being able to pull yourself together for the public.  I never understood how she could do that--be a raging maniac in private & then despite her illness most of the time act normal  in public(sometimes she couldn't--like when she would run in front of my dad's car as he was driving away trying to get him to run her over while screaming at him & all the neighbors could see that).

But then I developed bipolar & I did the exact same thing to my husband only not to the same extreme, thank goodness.  I wasn't abusive ever, but I got depressed & blamed him for my depression.  It was that I didn't know why I was so sad so I blamed him.  I couldn't figure it out so I said I wanted a divorce over & over & would cry & tell him every little thing he did that hurt me (I am way over sensitive so the poor guy had to walk on egg shells around me pre-medicated days).

Finally, as he is only human, he got fed up & said OK, I make you so unhappy we'll get a divorce & I realized I didn't want a divorce.  And I shouldn't say things I don't mean & that I needed t get help or I would drive the one person I had in my life that cared for me away.

I got help & am on meds, but still cycle.  To the outside world I am seemingly happy, confident, etc. yet I had a suicide attempt 2 years ago.  At home I have "meltdowns" where I get so sad, but I don't blame my husband or try not to.  Sometimes it is so hard not to that I lock myself in the closet to prevent myself from saying anything hurtful to him when I am that way. 

I just don't know why this illness causes such emotional turmoil even when medicated.  I'm much better, but certainly not fully stable & from my support group my blaming the spouse behavior is very common.  I think the above posters who have bipolar & do not exhibit this kind of behavior are very lucky.  I think it is more common than they know.

My heart goes out to you & I apologize for the hurt that the illness has brought on you.  Take care of yourself.  You need to & deserve happiness in your life.  I am amazed my husband has stayed with me.  He truly is a saint.   

Hi-I was with my husband 7 years.  I knew something was wrong.  The verbal abuse was horrible & I compromised.  Nothing was ever perfect enough.  I thought he had OCD.  But he has bipolar which I accepted.  He left in our travel trailer on 7/31/08.  At first, I missed him or was it the verbal abuse?  Today,I got me back! I have time for me and I laugh, smile and cry(tears of joy).  Yes, I miss him but I realize that no human being deserves to be treated like I was being treated.  I have boundaries now and I do miss the man I love so dearly but realize that he is overwhelmed by an illness.  He is in denial and all the love in the world and in my heart couldn't help him unless he wanted to be helped.  I actually feel so free and so do my sons.  They constantly tell me "Wow, mom you look so different!"  Take care of you cuz no one else will-Very best to you! 

Thanks Viki, :D We just had our 5 yr. anniversary, which we haven't had a chance to celebrate, but looks like we may not get to.  Last week his grandpa died, which he was more like a parent. He's been acting pretty bad, and still blames it on me. If I blame him for something he always turns around and says I'm the one who needs to look at myself. It's so aggrevating. His anger is even worse because of his grandpa's death.  The other night I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends at around my sons bed time and  my husband tells me I have to get off the phone and just keeps pushing me to.  My friend on the other side of the phone said she couldn't believe how he was- it was scaring her.  My friend had asked me if I wanted to get away for a two day vacation on the beach and he blew up on me telling me I was a stupid ass and to shut up when I would try to talk. Our son was in the other room when he was going off and he came in the room right after he mentioned bashing my head in. He's 4 yrs. old.  I'm going to the lawyer Monday and draw up the papers.

Hey girl- It was so hard for me to file papers on a man that I so truly still love but the man I fell in love with is overtaken by a demon.  I daily think of him and light candles & say prayers every night.  I do miss the man I fell in love with but the focus these days is getting me back and feeling better about myself.  I love my two sons and I will heal.  Best to you & write anytime-Vicki  

Hey Sharon-Hope you're doing better.  Did you move out?  I went thru almost a physical episode on 2/24/08 when I didn't agree with bp husband,  He took a log and was going to beat my head.  I'm so glad my sons and myself are on our own.  All the love I could give couldn't make him better and he was selfish because he was in denial and wouldn't listen to anything.  Take Care!  Vicki