Hi-I've been with my husband for 7 years. October 2007 he was diagnosed with Bipolar., I have studied this illness. Can someone help me understand why they are so abusive and degrading to their spouses but outside of the home everyone just loves them? I read the article...Along for the rollercoaster ride. It mentioned that if one more person told me how wonderful my husband was...I would vommit. My husband is at work more than at home and I don't know why I'm so verbally abused when he doesn't see me that much. Do they save it up and then open the can of Woop Ass on the spouse? Prior to October 2007 I thought it was just his personality but after the diagnose it all makes sense. He was on meds but went off and things got hecka BAD. The rage before I compromised but after the meds - I should have headed for the hills! No one deserves to be treated like this! Well, he left in the travel trailer on July 31st! My heart mourn because the person I so fell in love with died! The one who left July 31st is a stranger that is not welcomed back unless proper medication and counseling is in the works with me & the family
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Why do the spouses of bipolar take all the abuse?
8/17/08 4:58pm
Personal observation from one with Bipolar and one who was abused. Can either take it - leave it. Whichever...
This is to adults - not children
Children are defenseless, have little choice over the adults who abuse them, and therefore have little power to protect themselves. Adults, especially parents, are responsible for protecting and defending the wee ones cause they aren't defenseless, have choices, and have power.
#1: Not all with Bipolar abuse & degrade
common misperception but misperception still the same
#2: Not all who abuse and degrade have Bipolar
Just thought I'd shoot a hole through the common misperceived sterotyping that continues to go on especially here.
Now
Inside the home: Cause they can and the other adult is a willing partner cause the other adult allows it to happen. The other adult doesn't deserve it - absolutely not but the other adult allows it to happen. There are no boundaries, no self-respect, no limits placed, no consequences if boundaries or limits placed are crossed, if consequences are there they aren't followed up on, and well... if the one abusing and degrading does have a form of Mental Illness then the other adult is excusing the abuse and degradation.
Outside the home no abuse or degradation:
This is a no-brainer folks.
Someone bigger & badder might beat the crap out of the person, someone will have them arrested more than likely, they might get fired and likely not re-hired, their reputation is shot, their stature in the community is shattered, etc...
Another adult, or adults, won't stand for it and won't allow it.
Boundaries, limits, restrictions, and consequences are set up - adverse reactions are dealt.
8/17/08 9:06pm
10/16/08 1:49pm
I had an abusive BP spouse as well and while I can see how BP's on this site might get offended by that comment, I too have read up on this, studied as much as I could, went to BP support groups, and talked to MANY spouses on this site - and 90% of the BP spouses were abusive in one way or another. Whether willingly or unknowingly. I have found this to be in a lot of cases. Maybe this is becuase they put on a show for everyone else (in my case) and keep this image up during the day at work and in front of friends... and when they come home they feel they can be themselves and unleash the demons that have been circling in their heads all day long on someone familiar - who they trust.
Now, my own personal experience is with someone who was NOT medicated at the time he crashed. It was too late when he got the diagnosis, and he just got worse the days following where I had had enough. The blame, the yelling, the coldness, the lifeless zombie this man I thought I knew had become. Please do not lash out at spouses on this site because everyone has a different personal experience. Maybe it comes out the wrong way sometimes out of frustration, but i think it helps everyone to walk in the others' shoes now and then.
10/16/08 2:05pm
I agree with you because this is the life I lived. No one needs to be defensive because we're trying to find answers to what were going thru. It's so easy for someone reading our feelings to past judgement but we're talking from a heart that has been crushed. To walk away from a relationship without closure and just go on with life like nothing has happened the last 7 years. Get over it, it's gone-so very easy for someone to write this but our hearts still are trying to figure out what happened to the person we so very much loved? Best to you, you're not alone! Vicki
4/27/11 3:44pm
hmm,,,funny thing how so many times on the news when a spouse, children, coworkers are being held by someone in a rage, it turns out theyre said to be bipolar. Funny how its a legal defense in court. I think when spouses are on site trying to get understanding and share, if the bipolar people, who I know dont quite think, especially off meds, like other people do, thats why they have the problems, dont want to simply try to learn what its like on other side of coin, then perhaps they should go to different site, and maybe whine about the people who arent bipolar. everyone needs to vent. Not everything is just about that person who whined about lumping everyone together,,hm,,I do believe thats one of the problems,,bipolar patients think the world evolves around them, and tries to enforce that attitude,,Much more than the average ahole. I will not enable anyone to think its all about them..
8/18/08 3:25am
I am not going to take anything away from your experience because from the sounds of things, things just haven’t been good on the home front for awhile. I guess you could attribute some of this too the illness but I am more convinced it is a personality trait and the dialog between the two of you than that of being bipolar.
It’s more about teaching people how to treat you and what boundaries you have in place than just expecting people to respect you and your inner core. When I hear from people saying just about the same as you (the majority of these people are not bipolar), it more that the people outside the home don’t know the real person and their inner struggles whereas you do.
People outside the home also rarely nag or have any expectations of this person and it is my assumption that since he is working long hours, once home you probably have a list of crap that went on that day that you had to deal with and complaints toward him on the hours he works, stuff he doesn’t get done around the house too lack of attention towards you. You already have an issue with the idea that he gets along with everyone else except you.
So this brings us back to can a person with bipolarism be abusive and degrading to their spouse? Yep and a spouse of a bipolar person can also be abusive & degrading to the person living with the illness which is usually more common because they are tired of this person being a drain on them which harbors negative feelings. Ok…so he left in the motor home on the 31st and you have set the boundaries of no meds…stay away which is something I can agree with.
Hopefully things will work out between the two of you, but I think there needs to be some serious dialogs between the two of you of the expectations you hope to get from one another. I would not bring his illness into this nor would I allow it as an excuse for bad behavior.
I have a feeling you have no idea what effects you are having on him with the dialogs taking place thus far. I have a feeling you are going to hear the words nagging, complaining and just someone that no one wants to be around spoken from his mouth. Say nothing and listen and then hopefully he will do the same.
8/18/08 12:44pm
Hey Eric-Thanks for the input. I'm a very compassionate loving considerate person. I'm a great listener and turn the other cheek. Never had the word "nag" referred before. In fact, I work fulltime and would have a full course meal ready when my husband arrived in the door. I'm independent and extremely supportive. I have read so many spouses that have commented about degrading and abuse and I'm just trying to get an answer. I'm not about alot of fluff or material things just getting a better handle on bipolar. Thanks for the input! Vicki
12/13/09 5:03pm
Vicky,
I'm also married to a BP for 12 years now, and I myself have depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Just wanted to say, isn't funny how so many of the BPs on this blog want us to be understanding of them, while at the same time they are showing absolutely NO understanding of us? I find this common, too. I call it the "I have problems I can't just snap my fingers and not have, so you need to just snap your fingers and not have any problems so that you can devote all of yout time to me". I've had to explain to my husband numerous times that he's not the only one in the world with mental problems and with feelings. And if he wants me to be understanding of him, then he needs to be a little understanding of me. Being BP doesn't mean he can get away with whatever he wants and blame it on a mood swing. Yes, mood swings are real, but it has to stop somewhere. Example, you can't murder someone, and then blame it on a mood swing and expect no prison time and no consequences. It so often feels like the BP spouse wants us to be perfect (which is not humanly possible), while they get away with whatever they want. I don't understand where the blatant selfishness comes from in otherwise extremely intelligent people. Just my two cents.
8/18/08 12:31pm
I have been dating a wonderful man who has Bipolar 2 and yes I have to admitt that Bipolar is very complex and challenging at times. One person with Bipolar is not the same as another. It affects each individual in a different way.
The more you know/learn about it the better you will be and the better the relationship between the two will be as well.
I have read books, articles and even joined a support group in the local hospital close to my house, and all of this has helped me a lot and I know that I will be learning as the relationship blossons each day. He has never been abusive to me. He is caring, loving, understanding, passionate and compassionate. He takes care of himself physically,emotionally,mentally and spiritually, takes his meds on a regular basis,sees his doctor and he also belongs to a support group to help better himself and help others!
There's a stigma when it comes to
mentall illness and it's very sad . One thing I learned from a friend is
to remember that it's not them but there illness AND YES we all need to
take responsibilities for our actions as well.
True what someone
said in one of the posts above,often the caregiver is the one been
abusive because we often do not educate ourselves enough about the
illness( speaking in general here)
Set boundaries,take care of you as much as you can mentally,emotionally,physically and spiritually and always remeber why you felt in love with him in the first place.
No it's not easy but who said life was going to be easy anyways?
Take care and hope he starts taking his meds again and both of you can work things out!
8/19/08 11:51am
8/19/08 2:33pm
That sounds like my mother--raging at home, southern belle outside. She never acknowledged her illness. In my case, since I am on medication and very faithful about taking the awful stuff, the rages and mania have abated. However, my 'normal' spouse has used my illness against me. I am no longer allowed to make decisions although he wants me to work. He also tries to bait me into a fit. He's better now after talking to a counselor. He must feel like you do: he mourns the person he married 21 years ago. That person also had bipolar disorder; she was just a lot more fun. So bipolar disorder comes in a lot of forms. In the next DMV they are going to call it bipolar spectrum disorder. I hope your husband is all right. Often it takes weeks for the medicine to take effect. Suicide is a danger, but it will not be your fault in any way.
8/19/08 5:10pm
I'm glad he left you do NOT deserve that kind of inmature behavior. He is totally not worth awything when he acts like that.
My father was not formally diagnosed with bi-polar but I think he has it. He was filled with abusive rage and violence physically and verbal-emotionally torward my brother and I and my mother and after my mom filed for a divorce he murdered her when I was 14 and my brother 12. He was a successful lawyer city law director and former cop-police officer.
8/19/08 5:12pm
Vicki, my heart goes out to you. the change in whom we married to what they latter become is so subtle, that all of the sudden one day we feel like we are not with the
same person we married anymore. i think that its worse during mania, and particularly,
during swings. it seems like the swings use up so much mental energy that nothing is
left for the relationship, and they sort of go into a detached limbo. yes, they will do that impression management, and put on that extra friendly personality to the ones
that they rely on for their validation. inside, on the deepest level, i think they really
know better, and have a sense of loss themselves. it is very hard to sort out what is
from the actual personality, what is from the bipolar, and what is from previous mental
trauma's, particularly childhood ones. i was so hurt following one long term manic bout, that i ended up depressed myself and having to seek treatment. My dear supportive friends were with me through it all, i don't know what i would have done
without them. whatever pain we are dealing with, we also have to take in and
appreciate the angels that are sent to all of us in the form of friends and mentors.
good luck to you, i hope you will see only improvements.
8/19/08 5:38pm
Bobby-There is an angel above. Finally someone who realizes what its all about. I sit here at my office mourning the loss of the man that I love and am so heart broken over. Your response it what I needed. Again, thank you so much for totally understanding what I'm going thru! My prayers are with you-Vicki
8/19/08 7:01pm
thank you Vicki, my prayers are certainly with you as well. i think we are fortunate to
have a way to connect and share with others in our situations. its not just the resources, but the sharing and support which takes place on a personal level as well.
if there is anything i can ever help with, please let me know. bobby
9/14/08 6:23pm
8/19/08 6:01pm
That exact same thing happened to me, only it was ME! who was mentally ill with bipolar. So I can relate. If anything comes up and you aren't sure why, you can always drop a line at my profile for "Rose". I have had many problems, but rest assured, I have come out on top (with a lot of hectic days) after 15 years!
Sincerely,
Rose
8/21/08 8:30am
Not literally, but figuratively. My wife JUST said your words to me last night. My thoughts: A) to all you people reading/responding: THIS IS ABOUT HELPING THE ONE ASKING FOR HELP, NOT YOU. Stop defending yourself and your illness and glean what you can from these comments to try to achieve the objective of getting better. B) I am assuming it is verbal abuse, not physical; please clarify. "Abusing" and "Degrading" are very strong words, but without my wife using them in direct reference to me I simply do not even see myself as being abusing and degrading (and I am). C) Your challenge now is to find the real you, the one that you lost through time by compromising in order to adjust to his problem. Start with your intelligence and build off that as your self-esteem platform. On behalf of your ex-husband and all of us out here struggling with this demon, "SORRY WE PUT YOU THROUGH WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S US".
9/14/08 6:28pm
Hi-I read this post and keep coming back to it! I so wish that my Joe would say this to me. I wish for him to acknowledge that I am there for him and I would give 1/2 my liver to him if he needed it. The demon that consumes him now is quite ugly! Your words are great and thank you for taking the time for me! Vicki
9/20/08 12:47pm
have you printed these comments (all of them) and sent them to joe? in his condition, he doesn't see reality; he CAN'T hear the truth; the written word is powerful because it can wait for the emotional barriers to subside and still be available for the recipient to absorb when he is in a better (calmer/more normal) state. short, simple, sincere, direct - much easier for the truth of the situation to be conveyed than, let's say, telling joe to read a book on bipolar.
also, wisdom is power - the power to move on, get stronger, become the real you...adversity produces significantly more wisdom than the gentle waters of "everything is okay and calm"; so, look for the wisdom in every situation; pretend you are the objective, old chinese man giving vicki advice and pointing out to her, situation by situation, the wisdom that is knocking on her door.
FYI for all: i've been to a wide variety of doctors and therapists on this journey to understand and overcome this "bipolar thing". i am actually bipolar II - it includes an element of adhd which is reflected by the mania portion being more a state of hyper irritation than a state of creative energy. chemical formula that works for me (after 10 years of every other combination on the planet): 300 mg of wellbutrin once per day; 300 mg of trileptal twice per day; 30 mg of vyvanse once per day.
10/16/08 1:55pm
God I always wished my ex would have woken up and stopped the denial and said those words to me. I supported him for years and got slapped in the face in return. I still struggle with losing the love of my life to this disease but I know it's for the best. Please contact me, as I would love some insight into what u and your wife are going thru - i think it would be very helpful to me!
8/21/08 11:58am
Hi Vicki, I saw you responded to my post about my husband. Only fair of me to share with you how much you are living my life. :) I still question whether or not it is me. I have learned to make some changes on how I approach my husband. Never accuse, never back him in to a wall and NEVER tell him to do something. He is close with a woman that he skydive's for. I'm not worried about the closeness for many reasons. However, when things were tough between us a couple of months ago he confided in her about the situation. Well, what do you know...she didn't think he was bipolar and she had previously been married to someone who was. At least she followed that up with stating it is usually different when you live with the person. Most people enjoy his company.
We were seeing someone who prescribed Risperdal, which is a drug to treat schizophrenia. He doesn't have schiz, but she put him on a low dose because his major complaint was the high level of irritability. After the 5th visit she grew tired of his denial, told him he was argumentative, avoided conflict because he had no self-control and was afraid of his own actions and that the tingling in his arms and hands was due to anxiety rather than the medication as he thought. Well, that relationship ended. He's been working out of the state for a couple of weeks and I have to admit it has been quite relaxing. He came home for a few days and I felt tense again. I love him, I want to be around him, I just can't stand to be around him sometimes.
I am thankful that he is in the very beginning stages of actually owning this condition and realizing he needs to take something to manage it. He is very resistant to being on meds. Doesn't help that he's not committed to the cause yet, but it is a start. I am hoping the last 15 years of my life with him have not been a waste of my time. He's due to come home in September and my plan is to help him get back in therapy and on medication....as long as it is his idea, not mine. It's best that way. I'm so sorry for your pain. You should take pride in the strength you have had over the last 7 years. I wish you the best in your situation.
Jen
8/22/08 8:58am
8/23/08 2:37pm
My husband and I live our vows! For better or worse, sickness and health... I am the Bipolar and just started my hypomania on top of that. I can dump loads of crap on my Beloved, and on me. I fluxuate and vasilate back and forth with out notice. I can't stand at the moment being away from him, but then we need our time away. It is like I am watching another person in theese actions, and not me, but it is me. My Beloved just spouted off under his breath 'God I hope you get over thuis faster than last time I can't stand it when you are like this!' I screamed out after him, 'you should try living within this alien body with all the fluxuating emotlions and actions. I am in hell!' I spout off at him, because he is the only one I know loves me truly, and understands my moods when I can't help it. The only difference is, I stay on my medication because I hate my otherself.
My Beloved had an anger problem many, many years ago. I know the abuse I had to put up with, I know yours too! Who ios this Man I married! A poor imitation of a clone! He is Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde and you must love both! My prayers are with you honey!
8/23/08 11:38pm
My son wasn't physically abusive but during a rage would be extremely verbally abusive to me. The reason for this most likely is I was the person who he knew would love him no matter what. There were consequences for this. He was grounded or he had things taken from him when he did this, but he knew nothing he said or did could change my love for him. He alway knew he was safe venting at me in a way he wasn't safe venting to other people. I'm not saying it's acceptable or right but that's the way it was. On medication, he doesn't have uncontrolled rage. He has rational anger and deals with it in rational ways. Before, he really couldn't control it completely. Bipolar or not, we all act better to strangers than we do to our own families. The line has to be drawn. You are right to insist he get help before he returns home.
8/29/08 6:54am
I am bipolar, I am one at home, and another at work, and yet another around others! Is it a personality disorder , I don't know! I have gave up on those who took my money to give me a diaognoses! but yet I continue to diagnose myself! I used to be medicated, and then self medicated, but now I just Deal with it! Only because, Doctor's only want to put us meds that make us feel even more depressed, I have severe mood swings, I only take it out on those I love the most, In others eye's I have the perfect life! I deal with myself in private, and self meditation, I talk to God Out of hatered, I don't mean to be hatefull, Espcially to my maker, but I beg Him, and I am Still who I am, Am I insane????? Ask those whom made me who I am, Do I hold them accountable? I am 41 years old, Who's responsible? I am A MESS, ( But ) I am lovable!., Kind, Understanding! Forgive me, for I do not know what I am Doing, nor Saying, so there for Love me!!!!!.... I am only me, and God created me in his own image, do you understand him?????????????? Think about what you read, what you see, what you understand, and know, there is a higher power, and only he (or ) she can give you the real truth to what, or who you are!
9/ 5/08 4:34pm
Vicki, I truly feel for you. I have been married for 14 years this month. My wife has been diagnosed BP, but doesn't believe it nor will she take any meds or go to counseling. She has been very demeaning and abusive for several years. I spend a majority of my work days at home caring for her at home. She had an affair two years ago and got pregnant. She confessed when she came home to kill herself and I happened to be there. I took her in and cared for her and the baby because I couldn't think of throwing them out especially an innocent child. Well, she filed for divorce in Februaury. I tried to get custody of our 3 kids and the judge awarded them to her because she had the title only stay at home mom. I can't move on with my life because there is no one that understands she is ill that will take care of her. I am always there picking up the pieces after her mistakes and afterwards I am ususally ripped to shreds with a verbal attack and I hate you. There is never a thank you for my efforts to help our clean up the mess. I am here because she needs me and my children live in fear. Every day is a different day. Sometimes I wake up hoping that the nightmare will be over today, but it never is. I doubt I will remarry anytime soon because I have too much drama to take care of that if I don't no one else will. I hope I am judged someday for my efforts and I hope when I die they say at my funeral "He really loved his wife." Good luck. It is so hard. I would love to talk to you if you ever have time. Let me know and maybe we can exchange numbers.
9/ 8/08 11:51am
Hi-I filed for divorce and am sick to my stomach because I reallyb don't know the man that I'm dealing with now. I'm beating myself up for allowing someone to treat me in this fashion and not setting boundaries. On August 20th, our last phone conversation he told me that I was a nobody. I had nothing to offer anyone. He owned his own business and I owned my own business. I did the bookkeeping and clerical with both companies along with taking care of my two teenage sons. When Joe arrived home, there were two beers in the refrig, Rachel Ray Dinner, dessert and off to bed at 6:00pm. I would put lotion on his feet and sometimes wrap them because they were a mess. Give him a full body massage, aloe vera on his face and off to sleep. Then I would go downstairs make a homemade dessert for his lunch. Make lunch (huge). a note on his steering wheel and a rose on his wiper blade. Back upstairs at 10:25 to start his shower. he would be downstairs where I would have his Red Bull waiting, walk him out and off to bed. Between all of this I did homework with my boys and bookkeeping for his trucking company. When he came down stairs, all he did was sign paperwork, checks, etc..Never a thank you or anything. He would always have to be acknowledged for what he did. Cut the lawn or fix something. Unfortunately, I fell in love with a wonderful man that I haven't seen in a longtime. I've been lonely for such a longtime. I just wanted someone to appreciate me for just being me. We have an appointment on Thursday, 9/11 to meet with our attorneys and I'm sick just thinking about seeing him-Call or email me anytime-I'm all alone! Vicki
9/ 8/08 12:10pm
Vicki, can you email me at dweller@deltavalve.com. I'd like to talk to you privately if I could regarding this situation. It looks like we are in the same boat. I am the poster that has been married 14 years. My name is Doug. Please email me when you get a chance so I can respond personally or call.
Doug
9/14/08 6:33pm
Give me a call & we will talk
9/25/08 8:34am
Vicki: First off, I'm sure Doug is a wonderful person but I would caution you not to contact anyone you "meet" on the web. You really don't know anything other than what he/she tells you & that may not be the full story or even the truth. You have enough going on in your life without adding the complication of a stranger perhaps invading your privacy or something. Just be cautious, PLEASE. And Doug, no offense. I'd say the same thing about ME. I could be, I don't know, a stalker or something.
But actually I am a wife with bipolar & my mother had bipolar. She was very verbally abusive towards my father & blamed him for her unhappiness & everything that was wrong in her life. This was during the 60's & 70's & the treatment was not very good--ECT's, meds not very good. She had numerous suicide attempts, was hospitalized over & over again, was physically & verbally abusive to us kids (verbally & emotionally to me--physically to my younger brother).
I remember having to call the police (my father moved out & left us with her; he had enough & deserted us--still supported us financially & checked in time to time, but basically was not there for us) as I was afraid she was going to kill my brother. She heard me call them & by the time they arrived she was ready to serve them tea & they looked at me like I was the crazy one--talk about being able to pull yourself together for the public. I never understood how she could do that--be a raging maniac in private & then despite her illness most of the time act normal in public(sometimes she couldn't--like when she would run in front of my dad's car as he was driving away trying to get him to run her over while screaming at him & all the neighbors could see that).
But then I developed bipolar & I did the exact same thing to my husband only not to the same extreme, thank goodness. I wasn't abusive ever, but I got depressed & blamed him for my depression. It was that I didn't know why I was so sad so I blamed him. I couldn't figure it out so I said I wanted a divorce over & over & would cry & tell him every little thing he did that hurt me (I am way over sensitive so the poor guy had to walk on egg shells around me pre-medicated days).
Finally, as he is only human, he got fed up & said OK, I make you so unhappy we'll get a divorce & I realized I didn't want a divorce. And I shouldn't say things I don't mean & that I needed t get help or I would drive the one person I had in my life that cared for me away.
I got help & am on meds, but still cycle. To the outside world I am seemingly happy, confident, etc. yet I had a suicide attempt 2 years ago. At home I have "meltdowns" where I get so sad, but I don't blame my husband or try not to. Sometimes it is so hard not to that I lock myself in the closet to prevent myself from saying anything hurtful to him when I am that way.
I just don't know why this illness causes such emotional turmoil even when medicated. I'm much better, but certainly not fully stable & from my support group my blaming the spouse behavior is very common. I think the above posters who have bipolar & do not exhibit this kind of behavior are very lucky. I think it is more common than they know.
My heart goes out to you & I apologize for the hurt that the illness has brought on you. Take care of yourself. You need to & deserve happiness in your life. I am amazed my husband has stayed with me. He truly is a saint.
10/ 5/08 12:43am
i'm bipolar,been with my husband for 7 yrs also. the mood swings get so bad that i dont realize the hurtful things i say. i've had to apologize sincerely to keep my husband who is very understanding of my problem. He goes to the dr with me and says if i dont stay medicated that he will leave me. Outside of the home, i try to cover the fact that i have a problem so i try to be as normal as possible,but when the moods hit, he is the first one who sees it and gets to c the worst side of me.Luckily he keeps up with all the latest/new meds and goes to the dr,he asks questions,etc so he learns to deal with me more easily.
10/16/08 12:30am
I've been married to a man who was first diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder) was diagnosed to be bi-polar 2, but now his doctors are calling it a mood disorder. He's been on medication for over a year now and doesn't seem to be stabeling out any. He calls me bad names around my son, and I try to defend myself and he just gets more angry. He is very controlling and bossy to me. I feel like I live with a drill sargent or boss than a spouse. I can't talk on the phone to my own brother without him getting upset (especially if I mention anything about him to my brother). If anything out of the ordinary happens he gets high anxiety, and gets threatening to me. It's very strange though, because he doesn't lash out at our 4 yr. old son, just me. I get to take all of his abuse. My son just today called me stupid. Yesterday my husband said he wanted to bash my face in when my son was in the other room. All I had said to him was I wanted to go on vacation with my girlfriend. He blew up on me. I seem to take the punishment and am tired of it. When I stand up for myself he tells me I am the bad person. Living with someone with this condition is hell. I don't think anyone really knows how to handle living with someone with bi-polar disorder. I want out but just can't seem to get there.
10/16/08 12:30pm
Hi-I was with my husband 7 years. I knew something was wrong. The verbal abuse was horrible & I compromised. Nothing was ever perfect enough. I thought he had OCD. But he has bipolar which I accepted. He left in our travel trailer on 7/31/08. At first, I missed him or was it the verbal abuse? Today,I got me back! I have time for me and I laugh, smile and cry(tears of joy). Yes, I miss him but I realize that no human being deserves to be treated like I was being treated. I have boundaries now and I do miss the man I love so dearly but realize that he is overwhelmed by an illness. He is in denial and all the love in the world and in my heart couldn't help him unless he wanted to be helped. I actually feel so free and so do my sons. They constantly tell me "Wow, mom you look so different!" Take care of you cuz no one else will-Very best to you!
10/18/08 5:13pm
Thanks Viki, :D We just had our 5 yr. anniversary, which we haven't had a chance to celebrate, but looks like we may not get to. Last week his grandpa died, which he was more like a parent. He's been acting pretty bad, and still blames it on me. If I blame him for something he always turns around and says I'm the one who needs to look at myself. It's so aggrevating. His anger is even worse because of his grandpa's death. The other night I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends at around my sons bed time and my husband tells me I have to get off the phone and just keeps pushing me to. My friend on the other side of the phone said she couldn't believe how he was- it was scaring her. My friend had asked me if I wanted to get away for a two day vacation on the beach and he blew up on me telling me I was a stupid ass and to shut up when I would try to talk. Our son was in the other room when he was going off and he came in the room right after he mentioned bashing my head in. He's 4 yrs. old. I'm going to the lawyer Monday and draw up the papers.
10/20/08 2:41pm
Hey girl- It was so hard for me to file papers on a man that I so truly still love but the man I fell in love with is overtaken by a demon. I daily think of him and light candles & say prayers every night. I do miss the man I fell in love with but the focus these days is getting me back and feeling better about myself. I love my two sons and I will heal. Best to you & write anytime-Vicki
3/13/10 11:32am
Good afternoon. Hello. My nick's Muriel.wanna see me on my page? Tell me, have I exactly. Help me! Need information about: Mickey mouse wall clock. I found only this - large led wall clock. Wall clock, despite smelling whole cuisine, the request introverted on. Just, arbonne went it impressive to maintain above the aspect of thousands to get in their site, wall clock. :o Thanks in advance. Muriel from Honduras.
11/ 8/08 4:28pm
I have been living with my bipolar I boyfriend for about a year. In addition to that I lived with two bipolar family memebers for about 20 years of my life. I know that if you attempt do take your medicine, eat right, exercise and attend therapy that it is possible for someone to be a normal happy functioning person. In my family one person was able to get their act together and the other member is no longer part of my families life. My boyfriend was diganosed while we were dating and knowing that he would need support till he could can get into a routine I agreed too moved in with him too help him get on track. With that said, 6 months later and he does not take his medicine, he does not eat right and he does not treat me like a human being. He is verbally abusive and now is starting to become physically abusive. Yesterday he threw a heavy glass at my head, missed, and then struck me in the head with a bottle of olive oil from across the room. I moved out the same day and I am going to move on with my life. If you are being verbally or physically abused by someone who is not even trying to be a better bipolar then they are not worth your time. Everyone who is ever been a victim of a bipolar person knows that many of them are fully capable of functioning in a relationship and in society. If they don't try to function then they most likely never will.
11/20/08 1:16pm
Hey Sharon-Hope you're doing better. Did you move out? I went thru almost a physical episode on 2/24/08 when I didn't agree with bp husband, He took a log and was going to beat my head. I'm so glad my sons and myself are on our own. All the love I could give couldn't make him better and he was selfish because he was in denial and wouldn't listen to anything. Take Care! Vicki
8/15/09 3:02pm
HE may not have respect for you, My ex was a paranoid schiz he did not have any respect for me and controlled every aspect of my life I couldn't even go see my family cause he would accuse me of something everyday(that did not happen). His family told me he was better without me I was scared he'd kill himself if I left but thank God he was in the hospital when he got the news cause I had to go to counseling myself I finally was able to get away. YOu may need to let him know you will leave him that may make him give you more respect when he sees what he is loosing.
1/14/10 8:05pm
Vicky,
I am not going to hide anything which I am going to write now. I do agree with you, we (bipolars) can become extremely irritable, but that is part of a mania. I hope you apply tough love then. He doesn't hate you, nor does he want to hurt you. I am a full blown BP1 and I know how difficult it must be and is for you. Now imagine how difficult it is for us. You sound like a wonderful spouse and I do feel for you.
Look at when he is normal, when he is himself. And that should be 80% of the time. I am extremely creative when I am depressed and extremely dumb in a mania. If you look at the two scenarios they balance out. But you want your man back as he was. Support plays a major, if not infinite role in this.
Yes, we are different, yes, we swing from one mood to the next. As for why he doesn't show the world; who does?
Pray my darling, and hope... for love, faith and hope are the biggest
JD
1/19/10 12:25pm
JD-You couldn't find someone on the face of the earth more loving and caring than me. Unfortunately, my husband didn't know he had bipolar. I thought it was just stress or even perhaps OCD.He drove big rig so when he got his physical he was perfect! In one of the rare good moods, I gave him an OCD article...along for the roller coaster ride! He went to the doctors, came home told me he had a mental illness...BIPOLAR. I said...We Have Bipolar not knowing what it was. He was given the prescription lamitical. His own self looked relaxed, he slept better but he liked the chaos and rage without the prescription so he chose not to take it. He became worst that before. Pinning me against a wall with a fire log and wanting to beat my F ing head in. I kept a journal from day one and I know what I'm talking about. No one can sugar coat the experience and nightmare that me and my two sons went thru. Yes, it was a rollercoaster ride from HELL. I'm taking my Hell and enhancing others because I had no idea what I got myself into. The man I so fell in love with never returned and when he left I was beyond sad because I couldn't help him but I was loosing me and that is not love. I mourned the lost of the man I so loved and hated the monster that I ended up with but I realize that God gives challenges to the strong people. This is my opinion and what I lived. People who read my Blog might not agree but this is my life and my feelings and they belong to me. I know I have touched others who have gone thru similiar experiences and not everyone will agree with me but this is my life! God does take care of all and I'm in truly a wonderful relationship now. Unfortunately, because I was so badly verbally and mentally beat down I'm like a beaten dog but I'm processing my experiences and healing everyday. My best to you now and always!
4/11/10 6:33pm
Because this "illness" leaves them with the emotional capacity of an animal. Always out for themselves. They think as their spouse that it doesn't matter what they do to you. People outside of your circle, however, need to be treated well for them to "get anything" out of knowing them.
If you treat your bipolar spouse as you wold an animal - the response is AWESOME! I have five friends in real life that all have bipolar husbands. We conspire to think of new ways to get them to act right. We even let them know that we do this and tell each other everything that they do behind closed doors. There are a few tricks that have worked to an extent:
1. When they start their circular arguments - VIDEOTAPE THEM! They will end it at once or not. If they don't, make them watch the video after they're done. The WHOLE video. The next time they start an argument they will relent when they see you pull out the videocamera (like a dog that gets smacked with a newspaper).
2. NO QUICK FIXES - if they want your affection they MUST CONTINUE to act right. ALWAYS remind them that because of the way that they treat you that your love is ENTIRELY conditional. If the dog pees on the floor - do you give him a treat? No.
3. FaceBook is AWESOME! Invite all of your friends to join you on FaceBook. Whenever he acts up, make his actions PUBLIC! Shout them from the digital rooftops. There is no reason you should suffer in silence. Let people know that you're sharing his/her insipid behavior because it's funny (because some will ask you why you don't just leave them). Humiliation goes a long way.
4. If he/she whines and threatens to hide from the world/kill themselves/etc get your kids and your car keys. Leave them a cell phone and tell them that they can call 911 if they get halfway through and then change their minds - but that you and the kids don't really feel like watching them do something stupid today.
Above all else - if you're physically threatened do NOT do any of the above. GET OUT AND CALL 911 FROM A NEIGHBORS! There is NO going back from someone that threatens to murder you!!!!
6/11/10 8:04pm
Good advice. Thanks so much. I am goiing to pick up my boyfriend from the psych hospital tomorrow. I must say, on Geodon he was a nasty, possessed, ranting lunatic. I videotaped him and it blew his mind. He had no idea, honestly. Verbally abusive one minute, lovey dovey the next.
On Seroquel, he is a sweet, nice guy. Geodon, for some people, is a demon drug. Be careful.
6/11/10 8:04pm
Good advice. Thanks so much. I am goiing to pick up my boyfriend from the psych hospital tomorrow. I must say, on Geodon he was a nasty, possessed, ranting lunatic. I videotaped him and it blew his mind. He had no idea, honestly. Verbally abusive one minute, lovey dovey the next.
On Seroquel, he is a sweet, nice guy. Geodon, for some people, is a demon drug. Be careful.
8/25/11 1:02pm
Today is August 25, 2011 & I felt moved to write and comment on what I had posted prior! When my bipolar husband left my world was sad because I couldn't help him and I was in denial of being an abusive spouse. It was a blessing that he left on July 31, 2008! It gave me the opportunity to heal and adjust to the hurricane me and my sons had been thru. My ex remarried for the 6th time and I thought I was 2 but honestly what was the truth. The lady has 2 young boys and my sons immediately felt sorry for the boys because of the daily fear that they had encountered. But I can only send them blessings of happiness! I was able to become a Reiki Healer and get involved in groups in our town regarding where I had encountered with bipolar. I felt that the universe had introduced me to bipolar for a reason and I need to be there for the spouses who were like me and didn't have a clue what was happening to the person that they fell in love with. My two sons and me just had our 3 year anniversay of a new life without the elephant in the room and/or the roller coaster ride or the ride home. I realize everyone's experience is different and no two stories are the same but it's how we feel that bring us all together. My circle of friends is incredible and there's even a new man in my life. Yes, I was looking for an incredible healthy relationship. The absolute right man to create the relationship that makes you feel grateful for every breath you take...Universe did good!!!!Namaste my friends and remember just to believe in you! Give it to the Universe and it will work!!!!
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I am a little upset with your post you stated that bipolars are abusive and degrading. I have bipolar and have never in my life degraded or abused my wife. I am sorry that YOUR husband is abusive but don't catorgozie a;; bipolars in this negative way. Thanks for the insult.
Good luck Chris
I was a bit insulted as well
Don't ya just love the constant generalization and sterotyping?
Blatant lumping together
Chris-I have read hundreds of responses from spouses that are with bipolar mates. You are a gem and the first one that I have heard that is not degrading and abusive to your spouse. She is a very lucky lady! Thank you for your reply-Vicki
Tabby-Nice to hear that you're not abusive but a majority of the spouses that write in state degrading and abuse. I just felt that this was a trait of someone that had bipolar because it's mentioned so much by spouses. We're all gathering information and trying to understand about our loved ones. There is no competition except the yearning to connect with the person we fell in love with and not the stranger that they have become. We're all insulted, all degraded and all in search of answers to this illness. When we write in, we're writing from our hearts and how torn they are because of our personal challenges. We don't have the answers and there are no insults being given. Just cries for answers. If it were a perfect world, none of us would be writing in ...would we? Vicki
"I just felt that this was a trait of someone that had bipolar because it's mentioned so much by spouses."
You posted that you had studied this illness after living with your husband for 7 years.
Apparently, my hunch was correct. You only studied your husband and the other spouses of folks who post on boards such as this and never actually really "studied" the illness or folks with the disorder from all angles fairly.
Now, you know. Bipolar Disorder affects and effects each individual differently. Each individual with their respective form of the illness copes, manages, and reacts to it's affects and effects differently. If one with the illness chooses not to seek treatment, chooses not to undergo some type of therapy, chooses to self-medicate with alcohol and illegal drug activity then that is his/her choice and therefore chooses how he or she copes, manages, and reacts to their form of their illness.
Oh and not all with Bipolar Disorder abuse and degrade and not all who abuse and degrade have Bipolar Disorder.
I also believe on this site is a listing somewhere of different reading resource material for which you might be interested in picking up at your local library or bookstore to read up on the illness itself. There are books for loved ones and those who struggle with the illness alike in an effort to better understand the illness and how it may or may not affect and effect each individual differently.
Tabby-Thank you for your reply. I've only studied the illness since he was diagnosed October 2007. I didn't even know what it was. I so appreciate your reply! Vicki
Well said! I wish people would REALLY research and learn about BP; it would just cut down on so much of the blanket stereotypes that people have with the disorder. I live with it and there was so much I learned about myself through research. If I can get so much from finding information and I have BP I can only imagine what someone from an outside view could benifit. I feel this applies to any illness or disorder that someone in your life has that you want to understand.
With that said no one should put up with being degraded or abused!!! I speak from the bad side of those situations. I am on a great management plan and have been stable for 4 years, but at one time I was very emotionally abusive and pron to rages. I never got physically abusive at any point but it was abuse none the less. In my heart I feel that nobody should be made to feel the way I made some people feel.
I am so sorry you feel singled out in the blog comment, It is true that not all bipoar individuals are abusive although a high percent are. I myself am a spouse of someone diagnosed with bipolar and I also am phsically and mentally abused (7 years and never the same day?). So if you think that blog was directed at you then you have issue's Which may need to be talked about in therapy, you may be one of those who take things personel, so my suggestion is (that is if you can handle it) to quit thinking it is all about you and take responabilty for all issue's surrounding you get of the pity pot and realize you are a major contributor to the problems in your life. stop blaming other people for you problems I understand living with this Disorder sucks. If you have a caring mate,(most of us do) I would hope they would try and understand this Disorder as much as you. It is hard for a spouse to understand this disorder(there are many books and websites) but a few things that I have learned, I am not your problem and I can only try to make you comfortable and get they tools in a way so I may understand and be aware of your triggers,this helps. I also let the other individual know of my intentions if they like it or not. The responabilty for you maintained health lies on you. In other words your decide your own fate and quit blaming others. I hope this was not to harshs. This directed at you, I stated this because I am fully aware of the abuse that goes along on both sides with this disorder, And hopefully I may help someone in the future.
PS: I have been and am continuing my education in the studies Bi-Polar Disorder and other devastating mental disorders. Remember with help and support from others we can all try to make a difference in someones live.
Best Regards,
Kyle
PS: I have been dating and In love with my Wife for seven years, and everyday I have to remind myself that my significant other is diagnosed bipolar with the help of some easy reads questins to her therapist (I sit in and interact with her through her weekly seesions) Helpful very Helpful. ONE MORE THING AND IN KNOW WAY AM I AFFILLIATED WITH, IS THE GREATEST BIPOLAR WEBSITE THAT I HAVE FOUND OUT THERE, IT DOES COST MONEY BUT I HAVE NEVER PAID BECAUSE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH FREE INFORMATION AND LINKS ON THIS SITE THE NAME IS WWW.DAVIDOLIVER.COM OR google david oliver
Kyle-By no means do I feel "singled" out. I feel blessed that I was able to recognize my ex husbands illness and be there for him even though he chose not to continue with meds and therapy I get what I had to do as a friend and spouse. My exhusband enjoyed the buzz without the medication because the meds leveled him out and it was way too much of a life change for him. I respect him but also respected myself and it's been 14 months of getting me back and not not being a caregiver for someone to chose to go down another path which I fully respect. God only gives us what we can handle and I admire all the people out there who have this illness who follow a program and have wonderful people along side of them for love and support. Unfortunately, my ex husband was on his own journey! I have been 14 months clean from domestic verbal abuse and life hasn't been better. I speak my feeling( they belong to me) and only share the truth about my own experience. Blessings to you Kyle for being a wonderful companion to your wife!
hi Vikky
I just wanted to say a quick - hang in there chikky :-)
Your post is perfectly valid.
Unfortunately there are a whole heap of ppl with bipolar who, like your husband are playing pretend and better than thou.
I have watched my step-father verbally abuse and degrade my mother for over 16 years now and have watched her wear down and deteriorate - they will not relent.
And yes, if you ever accused him of it he would act like you were mad to say such things.
They live in denial. Obviously all the defensive posts on this board are from BD sufferers who most likely go home and abuse their wives, but like the men we know, are living in denial on this board.
I can't answer your question as to why they do it. When I watch my step-father it seems calculated. If we didn't stand to lose half of everything we owned this guy would have been long out of our lives. Don't feel guilty, they way I see it is it isn't your problem. Move on. My mother didn't and she has suffered for a third of her life.
Get out there and live your life and enjoy it.
They, like all humans, are responsible for themselves.
Hello Vicky, My husband was diagnosed bipolar in May 2007. Tabby is a wonderful man who takes ownership and management of his illness and wonderful to hear he is good to his wife because of his self education about bipolar and its capabilities. I have lived with my husband for 23 years. He had work related stress and anxiety within his long career in the Fire Service and found himself not being able to return to the work place after the Christmas holidays, taking himself to the Doctor who has prescribed antidepressant effexor. Trusting a Doctor and not knowing at the time he was bipolar, he has been sent manic from this drug. Whew.....I cannot begin to explain the different person he has become, very abusive verbally, physically and financially. I recognise bipolar in our relationship now that I know what it is, but never has he been the man he presents today. He has abandoned our family he loved, relocating to another State, ended his career, raged, taken off with our retirement and redundancy money completely blowing it inside two years on self indulgence, drugs, a house, motorbikes, alcohol and has even used brothels and sexual affairs with random women. I am at fault apparently and the target for very agressive name calling. He refuses to speak about our children or anything that has been our personal business for 23 years that is for the wellbeing of our family, childrens education and mortgage on our family home. He is in hiding and will not take phone calls, if he does answer he will hang up. I have been in a trauma as I do not know the man he has become. I miss and love the man he was, but he is unrecognisable now. He had been drinking and to my knowledge still does heavily whilst taking antidepressants and smokes marijuana. He has been in total denial with me about manic illness and refuses to discuss it or educate the family. The children do not understand. He can go months without contacting them and this man was a very loving and interactive Father. I believe if bipolar people (or any person) can get off these addictive antidepressants, their normal thinking and emotions can return and they are often surprised and unaware of the damage they have caused in a manic episode. The trouble is antidepressants (without a mood stabiliser) cause mania and they are very difficult to withdraw from. Doctors do not give enough information as we did not get the full disclosure of the side effects. Effexor warns that this drug is not suited for people with bipolar. For our once normal family our lives are now a mess. I miss my husband but know I will not get him back unless he wants to own his illness and seek help for his addictions. I have read so many similiar stories and the key is that families and spouses need to know upfront what a manic illness is. Its about education and knowing where to seek help if Mania presents. Unfortunately we do not recognise or understand it till it is too late.
I think an apology is in order. No one insulted you or bipolars. My husband is bipolar and used to be physically abusive and is now only emotionally and verbally abusive. He has even stated after we have both went to several counseling sessions that the bipolar rages and depression make him do things he normally wouldn't do. I do agree that it effects everyone different. Everyone has different lives, moods and issues. I think everyone needs to quit taking any comment so personally.
Get over yourself! She was speaking from personal experience and a place deep within herself that has been damaged beyond repair. I think since you took her post so personally that maybe you should take a moment to look in the mirror and make sure you haven't been "abusive" whether it be physically, emotionally, or verbally. A guilty dog will bark...
Get over yourself! She was speaking from personal experience and a place deep within herself that has been damaged beyond repair. I think since you took her post so personally that maybe you should take a moment to look in the mirror and make sure you haven't been "abusive" whether it be physically, emotionally, or verbally. A guilty dog will bark...
well i disagree , my so called boyfriend just moved in with a muitual friend that we knew for years , hes has shut me out , they are both bipolar. i did nothing wrong but get him into see a doctor, when he was suasidal thats when he was dianosed as bypolar . i cant seem to get over him .he hasent had a problem getting over me.
I just wanted to say that not people diagnosed with bipolar are abusive and crazy, but some truly are. I read that woman's post about her husband and I have a very abusvie and terrible situation like her. So, Im very glad for you that you do not fall into the same category and wish you the best. Wish those of us married to the abusive bipolar people the best as well. Thanks SS