Really messed up...

My best friend (who is not bipolar but suffers from anxiety and depression like I have seldom seen on this earth) and I talk often of suicidal ideation, or what I call "accidentally on purpose".  She hates the pain she is going through in the world as do I, for different reasons but still as painful.  We have even considered the overdose that was "accidentally one purpose" together, an escape, and I admit that I was more into it than she was, I think.  Long story short, I hear ya.  Fuck up?  Maybe ... but not unheard of.

Sug.. I've been there myself.

About 2 years ago.  I had one of the deepest, darkest, and I'd say psychotic depressions I've had in quite a while.

I was ashamed and guilt ridden for even thinking much less contemplating, not killing myself but to take someone with me.  I still am, ashamed and guilt ridden.

I've also been in a manic episode and became frighteningly homicidal towards someone that I had intense anger towards...

I'm glad, very glad that you didn't act on those impulses you had and now you have realized how very far your mood & thoughts can actually go.

I have and since I have, when I "know" I'm slipping to a certain degree - I immediately run, not walk, to get help.  Even, if it means I voluntarily go IP for a few days (which I've done) and I say this because, I don't ever want to go IP.

So, when I voluntarily go IP, it's cause I know the illness within me has gone to the proverbial edge of going too far.  I don't want to fall over that edge.  

I talked to my son's therapist about the thoughts and dreams he has of killing himself or someone else.  She said he can't control the thoughts but he has control of his actions.  The important thing, as she's said to me, is if he's in danger of carrying them out.  She talks him through these things and lets him know that it's his bipolar brain that causes them.  He always feels better after talking to her. You can see the tension just drain out of him after being in her office for an hour.

You really can't control your thoughts but if they overtake your life, you need to see your doctor or check in to the hospital right away.

The way I see it is, you can't control the thought and there's no reason to feel guilt over it.  It's your actions that count.