Was Her Behavior part of her BiPolar II disorder or she simply didn't love me anymore?

By finallydone Thursday, February 11, 2010

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I was in a relationship for 5 years with a BiPolar II woman. At first she was loving, thoughtful, and almost like a dream. She would put pedals in the bath tub and arrange a bath for me. She was AMAZING. However, once we moved in together I slowly saw the princess turn into a frog and she never turned back to being that person. I felt I was being emotionally abused. I was being yelled at in front of other people, she would have parties for her church friends and intentionally not invite me, she had cyber affairs that were fantasies but spent a lot of time online flirting with men, and eventually she went out on a date with a church friend and confessed to me that they kissed during that date (when we were still together). I was unaware of her extracurricular activities to say the least. Most recently, she threatened to hit me because I have left her and she feels angry. She also said she didn't have the same feelings for me for most of our relationship and she just couldn't help it. Is this her illness or is she just a person with a lot of commitment/intimacy issues? I feel she either sabotaged our relationship (because she says I was the person that loved her the most EVER)....or she simply didn't love me anymore but didn't have the guts to end things until "I" did. I guess I don't understand what was the illness.....a lot of people "cheat" on their partners and they don't have BiPolar II disorder. It's important to say she suffers from clinical depression mostly and BiPolar II tendencies.

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lisa0817

2/11/10 3:03pm

This is bipolar disorder. Been with my husband for 14 years and he walked out on myself and our 10 week old baby. He went to the hosp. recently (a huge step for him) but now after being out for just a month he is once again having doubts. He came home after the hosp b/c he realized how much he loved me & that his behavior (including an online affair and meeting one woman & kissing her) was the result of the illness. I took him back. Now he isn't sure again. Our daughter is 6 months old now.

Whether or not it is Bipolar, you have to decide what you can live with. I decided today, he has to leave. Hardest thing I've ever done - but I cannot live in a relationship without trust or honesty. Maybe you can - but even treated, bipolar's mood swings can rear their ugly head at any moment. get some support for you. I know how you feel, as I am living it myself firsthand. My daughter is my motivation for ending it. I won't let her suffer at his hands. Whether it is intentional or not, there needs to be consequences for actions. An illness does not give you freedom to treat the people who love you with disregard. Good luck & stay strong.

finallydone

2/11/10 3:15pm

Thank you for sharing your experience. I agree that an illness does not give people permission to treat you like trash. I started to feel worthless and like I just didn't matter anymore. I left her and have recently requested "NO CONTACT" and please leave me alone. When someone, illness or not, treats you so poorly...I felt it was time for me to go. The person that I met, no longer existed. And as far as I'm concerned, "I" was left first. The second someone cheats on ou, they have left the primary relationship.

tabby

2/11/10 10:09pm

Not all who have Bipolar have this symptom, NOT ALL.

Also, she was not a Bipolar II woman. She was a woman who has Bipolar II disorder. She is and was a woman first and foremost, who happened to have a disorder.

Also, all that appears to glitter is not true gold.

What I am saying is... you fell head over heels with someone who treated you, at first, like the most important person. Did the most thoughtful things for you. Was loving and "dreamlike" and "AMAZING"... for a while.

Then gradually, once you moved in together... the glitter fell off... the impressing and courting fell off and then it was the day to day grind of living together with someone and getting accustomed to their habits and rituals. You know, really getting to "see" and "know" each other when angry, sick, mad, sad, glad, and cranky and realizing she wasn't so dreamlike and amazing after all.

Sounds more like an average couple who just wasn't meant to be. Many "normal" folks, once living under the same roof, tend to find that each other is not what they thought each other was under the tint of rose colored shades.

Many "normal" folks cheat, lie, steal, and would throw their own children on the street for a dime. One does not necessarily have to have a mental illness to treat another badly.

Yet... one does have to decide how badly one can live being treated in such a way. It's completely up to the individuals as to how much one can live and tolerate and put up with over time.

finallydone

2/12/10 8:11am

That's the issue though. I liked living with her until her outbursts of anger were so out of control. I joined a support group for partners of people with BiPolar II, I got into therapy and I told her that I would support her through anything. I am not the kind of person that "gives up" just because the honeymoon phase was over. However, she wanted to live some fantasy and the moment we moved in together, she started hassling me about everything. For example, if I woke up early on a Saturday morning to make us braakfast from scratch, instead os seeing a smile on her face, she would YELL at me that she was upset there were so many dirty dishes. Then, I was caught doing all the errands because she was too "depressed" to leave the house. This is someone in therapy AND on meds. However, she had enough energy to "date" people behind my back and enough sexual energy to flirt with OTHER people. I didn't give up on her...She would tell me one week I was the "love of her life" and tell me two days later she wasn't sure about her feelings for me. I'm sorry....but I don't think this is every day regular behavior. Illness or not....(and I am aware that we can't blame it all on the illness).....it was too much for one person to deal with....I can understand we were perhaps not a great "match" but....I can't see anyone else putting up with her behavior forever either.....

tabby

2/12/10 9:25pm

so.. you've lived and experienced a bad match and you've moved along

you are free of her to go along and move along and find perhaps another who will treat you as you'd like to be treated

I'm not certain as to why you feel the need to question as to whether it was her illness causing the behavior or was it cause she just didn't love you or like you any longer?

You felt that you were not being treated as you should have been and you moved along. If Bipolar was not even in the equation, and she treated you exactly as she did, would you be questioning?

Many many so called "normal" human beings treat other seemingly so called "normal" human beings most horrendously. You've lived, experienced, and have moved along.

finallydone

2/13/10 10:00am

you are right. If she wasn't BiPolar I wouldn't have questioned leaving her. Great point! Thank you for your feedback. It's very appreciated. It's hard to make sense of it all but I guess some things are just not meant to "make sense." People fall in love and out of love all the time. And someone, with an illness or not, does not have a right to treat others poorly.

chris

2/12/10 1:08am

sorry man, just sounds over. good luck in the future. might want to stay away from the bi-polars, we`re a tad unstable.

alxv

2/12/10 5:58am

This is something I have told many times, having bipolar is not the same as being bipolar.

We have this illness but we still have our own personality and our responsibility towards our actions and relationships. I have Bipolar type II as well and I was never hurtful to anyone even when I felt my brain exploding with anger and bad thoughts, I always decided to isolate myself when I was like that.

It is no excuse any wrong behavior being blamed on this or other disorder when people are immature. Meds don't treat personality they only treat this illness so whatever people do it's their responsibility, if we are well enough to live outside a mental hospital and to raise children and be productive we can also own our actions. She sure needs to grow up and to be responsible for whatever she does. I'm just sorry you had to get hurt along the way.

Alex

diana

4/ 6/10 3:57pm

Been married now for 4 yrs and I too experienced the same thing you did in the begaining he was a prince out of a book so to speak there was no other like him, did everything for me I could not beleive there still excist men like him today if ever that is how charming, loveing, thougtfull and humble he was but it was not all the he did for me that attracted me to him for it was his " Humbleness" there was a calmness and a sweetness about him that was unbeliveable and that is made was made me fall in love with him, but the very day we married that "Monster "you speak of appeared out of the blue and hes remained ever since although I do get glimpes of that man he once was Humble and sweet but only on very few occasions. We are still married and I dont want to fail him as a wife and a supporter of his illness however I like you were, have lost myself and feel belittled and like I am of no importance worthless due to his rages and outburst of anger and the foul language he uses toward me. Im not sure how much longer I can take it but everyday I pray for the strenght to carry on another day. I hope only the best for you and also those who suffer with BP.

Was Her Behavior part of her BiPolar II disorder or she simply didn't love me anymore?

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