My BiPOLAR Significant OTHER has left me after 3.5 years together

By finallydone Tuesday, July 22, 2008

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HI,

I can't explain how hurt I am. My girlfriend left me after she decided that she just was not attracted to me anymore and that she didn't even enjoy kissing me. She says she does not know if she was just "experimenting" (it was a gay relationship) but that even though she loves me and hates the fact that she doesn't feel the same way anymore, that she wants to be "friends." It's important to say she was hospitalized last summer for a severe depressive episode. Since then, things really started to changed. I was there for her during this whole time. In good times and bad. Now she wants to keep me close (as a friend). It's also important to say that she did have some "internet affairs" with MEN that she was flirting with online. Close friends of hers told me she never actually met these guys but these e-mails were charged sexually. She said she needed to figure out her sexuality.

Anyway, after 3.5 years I feel like a complete idiot. Like a doormat. I thought if you were a responsible, loyal, and compassionate lover that things would end differently. This wasn't what I expected after everything that we've been through together. She says perhaps the "excitement" of her experimenting phase died out....but that she still LOVES me as a person....but doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me.

I'm torn and hurt....angry and have become depressed myself after this painful relationship. She wants to be friends but I'm not sure I can put myself throug that because I feel it will be harder to have a "friend" that was once your partner and lover. Suggestions?

Was Her Behavior part of her BiPolar II disorder or she simply didn't love me anymore?

Comments (10) | Add comment

DShere

7/22/08 6:47pm

11 years, with what I believed was the man of my dreams. We are both gay and are not in any denial about that. We had both come to terms with that before we had met. I have now been left, and told I haven't been loved for two years or so, despite love poems and letters and gifts. I feel extremely hurt and used. I would love to help you by telling you what to think, but all I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not alone. I have no idea if this is bipolar disorder or not. He has got me so confused, as you I have spent a long time helping him get help and get better. He then suddenly turned around said he was stable now and pretty much later, and by the way I haven't been in love with you for two years. There is so much more, but as you, my energy is drained, and am dealing with my own depression now. It would be ever so nice to know for sure what is true and what isn't, wouldn't it? I can't stand having no clue, if this is stability or not. He seemed to change after he started with lithium. Perhaps he is better and stable and was confused for two years, or perhaps it's causing it. The poems and such I keep coming across packing up, confuse me more. I am just not letting myself read them anymore. All I keep telling myself is life is full of uncertainties, and I may never know, and that is ok. I wish I had an answer for you in terms of dealing with it, but all I can offer is sympathy and the knowledge you aren't alone.

Best wishes

If you need help, get yourself help, it's about all you can do

please feel free to contact me

finallydone

7/23/08 1:02pm

Thanks Dshere for your comment. It's good to know that I'm not the only one in this position. We were only together for 3.5 years and I cannot imagine the pain you must feel when you were together for so long.

I wanted us to be the couple that makes it through anything....I hate the cliche that gay couples never see it through the long haul.....It's so hard when someone you love suddenly tells you that they just don't feel the same way....it really bites and strips you of so much...

But we are good people....and we deserved to be loved....and as hard as it is to let them go....I guess I just have to trust that God has something and someone BETTER for me....You have to believe that too.

Eric

7/23/08 6:18am

Any break-up is never easy and I think the length of time together prior too the break-up also adds to the mix and tends to make it much worse. Bipolar or not these things take place on a daily bases. Done, I’m no shrink or therapist and just an average guy and here is my take on it according to what you wrote.

Maybe she was just experimenting and the fact that she was carrying on on-line relationships with guys tends to make me believe that. Also throw into the mix that she was depressed and you were the caregiver usually doesn’t make for a relationship unless you are talking friends.

Now this is for both of you….when a person is depressed the tendencies of any caregiver is to take care of this person. The usual outcome is that we tend to take over everything because this person is unable too. The relationship changes in that we are not the partner bringing to this relationship equal strengths and weakness.

Some of us take over so much that we loose the partner title and now take on doctor, therapist and everything in-between. Instead of it being a husband/wife or partner to partner it now takes on a whole new meaning of caregiver/ patient. We have come to the point of running almost every aspect of this person’s life….and this is fine with the one that is depressed because they for the most part are docile, fragile and willing to go along with anything.

Now this person starts to get better. We the caregivers are now thrown for a loop because we crossed the line of what a partner or spouse should have to do, and this person is coming to resent us. We are left with a void and a fight because the other person is now taking back their life and we are now viewed as the person holding them back. The majority of the time this person that has come through depression also wants to get rid of any reminder of those times that were viewed in a negative way.

We are left thinking how could this person do this too us because we have done so much for them….that’s the problem, you did too much. The tendencies of reminding this person of that only leads to more negative responses and if you’re looking to be completely cut off, keep it up. You have to remember that the majority of the time the relationship was based on need and not that of an aka normal relationship of each meeting somewhere in the middle.

So how do we survive? Well, for those of you that had the relationship fail after these events just know that you really did a very nice thing for someone else and now it’s your time to get back into the game of life and your needs. For those of you in the beginning or middle stages and want the relationship to survive….Keep this thought in mind. You are the spouse or partner and not the doctor, therapist, maid or any other hired help. Your goal is to help this person get back on their feet as quickly as possible.

This means that you want them to take back any and all responsibilities that they may have lost during this time. As simple or hard as it sounds, they need to run their program meaning setting up and seeing their psychiatrist and therapist, taking their medications as prescribed (you may have to help this person at times to make sure it is the correct dose) and doing as much as they possibly can handle. You do not want to enable them in any way and make it vocal by saying things of encouragements to get them back on their feet. If you do this you will be viewed as a positive force of getting them back on their feet instead of trying to hold them back. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I am able to speak from both sides of the fence and know first hand the hardships that come with playing both parts.

I am very sorry for the both you DShere and know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but remember….you did a great and wonderful thing for someone else and no one can take that away. My suggestion now is to stay away from any relationship where the other is in need. Actually the best advice is to stay away from any thoughts of a relationship and concentrate on yourselves, because after going through this kind of a relationship you feel wiped out and drained from giving all to another.

finallydone

7/23/08 1:11pm

Thanks Eric. I read your post and it was written with much thought and consideration to the situation. I think you are very right about a lot of things.

She did explain to me that after her hospitalization "I" became some kind of mother figure to her. That's not an easy task considering her mother's life ended tragically (suicide). So the BiPolar thing DOES run in her family. To no surprise, since somehow I became te caregive or her "MOM", there wasn't much sexually to be attracted to. I mean.....she lost whatever attraction she felt for me after this experience.

I agree, I did do TOO much but I didn't know at the time what to do. I just knew bills had to be paid and the mortgage did not wait for her to get out of the hospital. Se left me in charge of all of these things while she was in the hospital and I was left alone to deal with all of it (because he fathe rand brother were not even around and didn't even come to visit her in the hospital).

I guess you are right. I loved someone that NEEDED me.....but that is no where to being healthy enough to being in an EQUAL relationship. She even has said "what do I do for you because I don't feel I'm adding anthing to this relationship." and I didn't know how to answer that besides the fact that I love her for everything she is (with illness and all).....but I have to focus that energy on loving MYSELF now....because I do deserve a healthy relationship.....but I relaly don't want another one any time soon....LOL....I have to heal from all of this and it will take me a long time.

Stormfuries

7/24/08 9:19am

I'm so sorry for your pain; both of your pain. Speaking from the the BiPolar/Menatl Illness side of the relationship I won't attempt to justify what your partners have done but will say it's extremely common in a vast majority of relationships. BiPolars cycle, even on medication; and mania as you may know tends to to make sex a #1 priority when we are cycling out of control. And if she or he is a rapid cycler and the medication isn't working properly; this is the response I've seen happen far too often. It doesn't mean that you aren't loved by your partner; the illness is carrying them on this horrible wave of needing more in the manic state. It's sort of like impulse shopping without the ability to return everything and make "life" right again.

I also did this to my husband, and he was not a caregiver my any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes it's just this horrible illness, we are not medicated properly, and we lose those we dearly love because we follow the path the illness takes us.

I know it hurts but don't blame yourselves. We carry enough guilt for all of you plus ourselves.

Know that many of us who carry this disease understand exactly what you feel and are exretemly sorry for your pain.

finallydone

7/31/08 4:57pm

Thanks for your reply. It helps in some way to know that "I" did all I could. But the hurts are still REAL. Whether it comes from the illness or not...cheating, lying, and betraying is still REAL for me as the Non-Bp person....I can understand the illness but I don't have to endure it. Regardless of whether a person has mental illness or not, no one should have to endure the abusive behaviors as a result of.

I loved her tremendously. I gave it all that I could...but after 3.5 years together....it just seems like a huge loss....but the more I "think" about it....I feel it's an even bigger loss for her.

Stormfuries

7/31/08 6:13pm

YOU have (no offense...)how much of a loss she is feeling. We carry backpacks filled with the rocks of guilt uphill, both ways everyday of our lives.

I realize this changes nothing for you but it should give you some satisfaction to know we struggle minute by minute, day by day just to carry the load of guilt and condemnation we thrust upon ourselves.

Ever want to see real HATE, look into the eyes of a real BiPolar during or after an episode...hate, disgust, fear, loathing, torment, etc... all radiate outward from our eyes. We are our own worst enemies.

finallydone

8/ 1/08 9:25am

Yes I know that very well.

A part of me realizes that it has nothing to do with me. I know she feels guilt because she called me two nights ago to tell me she was out of breath, felt like throwing up, and in a complete state of anxiety over this situation. I know she feels the guilt. She told me to please call her back because she NEEDED to hear from me....but I realized....not only does she cause the pain....but she ALSO wants me to release her of the guilt....

In my heart....although it's broken...I forgive her because I realized....it must be SOOO hard to not be able to love freely and openly....to not be able to love and give to someone else. She said "she can only love to a certain extent." and that's sad to me....That must feel worse than the situation I am in...It feels like unrequited love....

I've seen the hate in her eyes...and I've seen this disease take on her life...from VP of a company to now almost declaring backruptcy and foreclosing her house...it's truly a sad thing to experience....

But I realized.....I only have enough energy now to get "myself" better.....and I can no longer be an enabler in this situation. She has to learn that you cannot take people for granted, that you can't keep treating people like CRAP to test their love for you, and expect them to stick around for you no matter what....it's just an extremely unhealthy pattern....

Thank you for your e-mails.....DId you ever regret breaking up with past lovers?

Stormfuries

8/ 1/08 12:45pm

Before I answer your question, "did I ever regret breaking up with past lovers?" I'd like to interject one thought if you don't mind.

She may have called you asking your "forgiveness"; but until she learns to forgive herself...something almost completely a foreign concept to BiPolars; your forgiveness is only a temporary bandage - so to speak.

Now to answer your question, which is actually quite difficult to answer looking in hindsight. You need to understand we are BORN BiPolar, then later diagnosed with the disease. Kids get mis-labeled everday since so many different mental illnesses affect kids such as ADD. And in my particular case I am more than just BiPolar; I have PTSD, DD (dissociative disorder), DID (was called MPD 2 years ago), etc...

Now having said all of this I'll answer honestly.

Yes, I have more regrets on break-ups than I ever thought one person should or could have in a lifetime. Not all were verbally stated by me as if by my hand; yet all were instigated by my doing in one way or the other. If I felt the other individual needed to save face or dignity I'd change the scenario so they'd have the "upper-hand" and feel better about themselves to break up with me.

You are the 1st person I've ever told any of this to in my entire life, not even my shrinks know any of this.

I allowed 1 person too get into the deepest layers of me; and was pushed away, rejected. I haven't been able to to allow anyone past surface layers since; even though I'd love to let someone in again.

And no I don't blame the person for rejection, we all get rejected in our lives...even if we are "normal". But you asked if I had regrets, and yes I wish I could change it all and take back so much pain.

I'm sorry for your pain sincerely I am!

finallydone

8/ 1/08 4:19pm

When you said that you would turn things around and wait for the other person to break-up with you, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING. Then I resented her for it because if she was feeling "different" towards me you shouldn't keep things going. But she said she just needed to "figure things out." It's like a part of her really wanted to dive in and another part of her was telling her that it could be the wrong choice (whichever choice she would make). So instead, she just made my life HELL and waited until "I" was brave enough to leave...but in reality....she had already left....so it's hard to tell who really broke up with who....LOL...It was either "accept this situation as it is without me having to do any work or leave." and eventually....after numerous break-ups...I decided to leave.....after all....relationships are not suppose to be JUST work. and this one WAS.

I felt it was a slow and gradual break-up. 1st she asked me to move out because she felt we were not ready to live togehter (this is after we lived together for 1.5 years). Then we continued to date....During this time...well....she just kept pushing me further and further away....I mean....she didn't do ANYTHING to make me feel special and important to her....then she said she just didn't FEEL like doing anything important for me because she didn't want to give in TOO much...she was hospitalized and then she just started going down hill....she WANTED me around to take care of her...and it felt like she wanted me back....but then eventually she started feeling better....and I was kicked to the curb once again....that "I" was holding her back some way....

So I guess I'm a complete idiot...LOL....I mean....all the signs were there....but wat can I say....love is INDEED blind.

My BiPOLAR Significant OTHER has left me after 3.5 years together

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