Everything is beginning to make sense...

Hello-

     I am a 24 year-old female who has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am manic depressive and have been cycling rapidly for quite a while. I have also recently begun to experience hypomania and am not sure how to deal with my current situation.

     I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have been living together for nearly a year now. He and I have also been close friends since we were 15 years-old. We went to High School and College together. I have never felt so safe or comfortable with someone as I do with him. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I have been hurting him so much that I no longer believe it is fair to be a part of his life.

     I have always had severe problems with depression, slef-esteem, ADD, anxiety, and I have been diagnosed with OCD. Only now I can see all the pieces of my horrible adolescent, teen, and early twenties falling into a pattern. I now have an answer to why I can't be like the other 'normal' functioning people around me.

     I am in college and trying to figure my life out after failing out of school twice now. I have been unable to get myself out of bed and make it to class so many times now that my grades and GPA have suffered severely. I am a very intelligent and capable person when I am feeling well, I am drive and know what I want, but I can just never seem to remain motivated and happy enough with life to see the purpose. I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see the point.

      I feel hopeful because I know what is wrong now, but I also feel afraid for my future. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I hurt the people that I love and I don't want to. My wonderful boyfriend's life will always be harder if he is with me. If I have children I will not be able to be the wonderful mother I wish to be. What if I make my children Bipolar too? I really feel that if I love my boyfriend I should let him go so he can have a better life. I just want to be able to be myself!

     I have begun taking Lexapro and will be starting counselling in a few days and exploring my options. Mostly I just need someone to talk to. I hope to find someone out there like me. I want to help and be helped while taking some of the burden away from my loved ones.

     Is anyone out there?