Everything is beginning to make sense...

Written by

Wed, September 23, 2009

Hello-

I am a 24 year-old female who has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am manic depressive and have been cycling rapidly for quite a while. I have also recently begun to experience hypomania and am not sure how to deal with my current situation.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have been living together for nearly a year now. He and I have also been close friends since we were 15 years-old. We went to High School and College together. I have never felt so safe or comfortable with someone as I do with him. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I have been hurting him so much that I no longer believe it is fair to be a part of his life.

I have always had severe problems with depression, slef-esteem, ADD, anxiety, and I have been diagnosed with OCD. Only now I can see all the pieces of my horrible adolescent, teen, and early twenties falling into a pattern. I now have an answer to why I can't be like the other 'normal' functioning people around me.

I am in college and trying to figure my life out after failing out of school twice now. I have been unable to get myself out of bed and make it to class so many times now that my grades and GPA have suffered severely. I am a very intelligent and capable person when I am feeling well, I am drive and know what I want, but I can just never seem to remain motivated and happy enough with life to see the purpose. I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see the point.

I feel hopeful because I know what is wrong now, but I also feel afraid for my future. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I hurt the people that I love and I don't want to. My wonderful boyfriend's life will always be harder if he is with me. If I have children I will not be able to be the wonderful mother I wish to be. What if I make my children Bipolar too? I really feel that if I love my boyfriend I should let him go so he can have a better life. I just want to be able to be myself!

I have begun taking Lexapro and will be starting counselling in a few days and exploring my options. Mostly I just need someone to talk to. I hope to find someone out there like me. I want to help and be helped while taking some of the burden away from my loved ones.

Is anyone out there?

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Kad

9/24/09 12:09am

Hey,

Lots of nice people around here to chat with sometimes its busier than others. Sounds like your coming down hard on yourself this is a hard thing to adjust to when first understanding how to deal with it and coming to terms with what your life is/was, but don't decide what it will be!! Nobody knows that. My advice, it can only get better from here, trust me. As long as you commit to getting well, taking whatever meds you need to try in order to feel ''normal'' again, you may feel so much better you won't know who you are...in a good way. A lot of us go through a barrage of them. And counselling, that is good for past stuff too. I've realized our past doesn't define us, we have to find a way to forgive ourselves and others. I know, cliche.

I'm in college too, the concentration sucks eh? I always think its the meds but who knows. I do really well in practical subjects and crap in dry memorization type stuff with wacky hard words. You cannot give up though, I just think of it as I'm handicapped somewhat, it may take me longer than the average person...truth is a lot of students fail the hard ones maybe they're bipolar too.

As far as your relationship, r u sure you want that advice from us on here, heh? I'd love to give it to ya, haha. I dunno, does he want to go? Cause if not I would try and take er easy right now, I mean aren't you just getting started with treatment? It sounds like you really love him, and if it's mutual than trust you will get well, otherwise you can let him go for now and see how it goes, it can be a long road and we don't know the whole story but I sure wouldn't worry about kiddies right now, that's a whole other headache! And yea, they are waaaay too much work for a bipolar person, not to worry even about the passing on of traits...

tabby

9/24/09 9:00am

My thoughts and only my thoughts cause that's all they are and nothing more...

I'm a mom. Was a mom prior to my "right" diagnosis. I was mis-diagnosed for a very very long time, since my early teens in fact and in being so.. was also wrongly medicated.

Am I concerned that I may give my MI to my child? Yup. My mother and her mother both had MI and my mom was diagnosed with Bipolar and we believe grandma was but never was diagnosed cause in those days no one went to the head doc. So, I have a teenager and am I concerned? Yup but I would not trade her for anything in this world.

I have 2 sisters, by the way. I am the middle one of the group. They have anxiety but neither of them have Bipolar. Neither of them have Clinical Major Depression or any of the other more severe serious forms of MI. I got the Bipolar I with occasional bouts of Psychosis, GAD, PTSD in the family.

What I am trying to point out is - though there is a greater possibility a child will inherit, does not mean the child will actually inherit. It also does not mean the child, if inherited, will actually see it manifested.

Still, it is totally up to the individual to decide as to what they feel is best in regards to having children fully knowing of their own respective mental illness and I support whatever decision that person makes.

You can have a normal life sug. You really can. You are normal in actuality. You just have a extra added quirk that has to be properly managed. You now know what that is and you know what needs to be done to keep it properly managed.

It will take a lot of effort and a lot of diligence on your part. It is your illness, it is no one else's to take on. You can have folk's support and assist but you need to take responsibility for your own caregiving by going through the treatment program.

It's seems overwhelming right now. It appears too daunting. I get it but, if you break it down into little steps and follow through each step and get into the routine of it... it will become 2nd nature to you in time.

You will have relapses even when doing literally every single thing right. It's the illness. The meds will need constant tweaking and adjusting. Yet, the goal is to reach a period of stability and to have longer periods of stability.

As time goes by, those stability periods will lengthen each time and you may even find at some point - you'll not need so much medication to manage your moods. You just have to keep working on it.

Therapy therapy therapy : will help treat the disorder/illness and help you find coping skills and strategies to manage what the illness/disorder throws at you emotionally and mentally

Meds meds meds : only only only treats the physical symptoms of the illness manifested.

The school stuff : Sug, you have a illness at the moment. Your college has a department or program for those students with disabilities/illnesses. It is totally and completely up to you right now but I'd encourage you to seek it out.

Your doc will likely have to complete some paperwork but if you qualify.. the college has to adapt a learning plan around your illness. If this means that you need to take exams in a quiet room away from other students - then they will need to provide a separate room. If this means you need help with gathering your notes, then they'll come up with a plan to assist you in this. This is what the department is there for and I'd encourage you to at least inquire.

Just one last thing : It is a illness, not a excuse. It can cover the past but in that you now know what it is, it has a name and many different options for treatment. With proper treatment and you managing it by following treatment... it's no longer the excuse.

Harsh, I know but way too many folks get into the victimization mode and use Bipolar as a excuse for a lot of inappropriate behaviors, lack of responsibility and accountability to their actions, and well... life. There is help, there is treatment, and there is management of it - if you truly want it and seek it.

theballjar

9/24/09 7:03pm

Thank you so much for all of your positive and helpful advice. I am beginning to feel much better about my situation. It is great for me to hear from others who have been dealing with this disorder for a long time and see that it is possible to have a family and a normal life. I greatly appreciate all of your feedback.

Anonymous

9/28/09 1:26pm

Hello, First i want to say. May God Bless you everyday. I found out i'm Bi-Polar when i was 31 and that was 7 years ago. I also know why my Teenage struggles were worse. It started as Depression and ADHD.I was abused by my alcoholic dad for many years. I'm sure that didn't help me. Anyways,I got married to this guy that sounds a-lot like your boyfriend. He came from a good family and raised pretty good.He didn't know i was bi-polar till after our 2nd child. My first child was with another guy before this one. It didn't work out so i left him when our daughter was 2. I understand your concern about giving Bi-Polar to your kids. Well it does happen because of hereditary. So my daughter is now 15 1/2 and she just got diagnosed with Bi-Polar after having ADHD for 3 years.

It is important to seek a pychiatrist to start getting help.We go to church and regular counseling.My other kids with hubby i'm with now are ok except my son has High Functioning Autism/ADHD wich i really think the ADHD is Bi-Polar.My youngest daughter seems to be the normal one so far. It's been a long journey through so many crazy up's and downs,but in my case as some would say,"Love has conqured all". I cry and get depressed and have impulsive irrational thought now and then but i try to stay distracted and positive as much as i can.I'm a stay home mom and am by myself a-lot so i pray,read self help books,listen to music,dance around,watch comedies,chat on the computer.I get by! I feel for you! It's a crazy family i have with all our issues but sometimes we can laugh and sing about things and make it a little better. Socializing with people is the hardest thing for me. So i don't go out and look for moms to be my friend.Wouldn't want to get them all caught up in my craziness. Its not that bad.I have my hyper mania days to and i have so much energy i talk fast and move furniture around and type fast.It's funny! My medication has kept me stable for the most part. I've had every Bi-polar med out there. I hate meds but i have to admit i have many more better days because of my meds.Knowing the Lord and Praying helps me to. I'll keep you in my prayers and pray you make good choices.Life is too short and we should learn to enjoy it! I'm here if you need to chat.

Everything is beginning to make sense...

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