hopeless

It (the rollercoaster) only ends when he takes responsibility and becomes an active participant in his own recovery, just as with any other condition or addictive behavior.

17 years of this - why are you still married?  Honestly, it sounds very destructive, and not a relationship you should tolerate.  Whether or not he is able to control these things is debatable, and not within *your* locus of control.  If he chooses not to change, or is incapable of change --  is this how you want to live the rest of your life?  17 years is a long time, but you also have a long time ahead of you as well. 

Did his behavior change any after he got a diagnosis? Has he been making an effort towards recovery?

My sister learned her husband had been cheating after 7 years of marriage.  She decided to "stay for the kids".  They worked it out and stayed together for 3 more years.  Until she found a cell phone bill that showed him calling and texting the same woman about 5 times per day.  Then she had to decide whether to just close her eyes and let him keep doing it, or get out.  She chose to get out.  Now she'll tell you that divorce sucks and to avoid it if you can.  This man is losing jobs and giving away money for sex.  He's not apologetic and calls you "the bitch".  He can still be a father to your son whether or not you two are married.  My sister's divorce attorney told her that she was entitled to half of any money her ex spent on women.  If you have proof he's spending money on women, you can get half of it.

Leave him now and save your self-respect.  A man who cheats once and is sorry may be worth keeping.  A man who makes a habit of it and blames you, isn't.

Good luck to you.

You cannot hold yourself personally responsible in any way regarding  his mental health/wellness.  How stressful you life must be right now.  Freeda and Hopeful Mom offer some very good insights into a very difficult problem.

The man needs to take responsibility for his illness/wellness.  There's no way you can do that for him.  Give him an untimatum - get some real help or get out.  At least that's what I would do.  Nobody should have to live this way.  You must love him very much to have stayed with him this long.

Tell him to find a support group.  Go with him to doctor visits - he may be sabbotaging the doc and himself, which gets in the way of getting well.

God bless you - please take care of YOU.  You will find the right path.

Judy

Dear Hopeless,

I am both bipolar, and the survivor of an traumatic relationship with an abusive alcoholic spouse (MANY years ago). I am also a Psychiatric RN and addictions counselor.

My first statement to anyone who reports a situation such as yours is....

Take a deep breath. Every misdeed, every affair, betrayal, lie, theft or mistreatment has been done already. Take a deep breath. You cannot undo your own past. Take a deep breath. You can not control his behavior; past, present or future.

Ok, so its not your fault. Now take another deep breath. Say, out loud, either that this IS the life you want, or it is NOT. Take a deep breath. You cannot choose what has happened to you in the past, you cannot choose what will happen to him in the future, but you CAN choose what you will tolerate, and what actions YOU will take.

So take another deep breath. Pick one, and say it out loud. either  I choose to live this way......or I choose to start my life on a different path. Take one long last deep breath, and repeat that statement, whichever it is.

Now. Where do you want to go, or stay, from this point onward? Which of your own behaviors are you willing to change, however frightening that might be, in order to alter your situation? Help is out there.

First, you haven’t had any trained psychiatric people here giving you advice because any therapist or psychiatrist worth a grain of salt would only be telling you to get into counseling with someone that can get a good read on you with one on one, in person sessions.

Here is my advice even though I am pretty sure you will pay it no attention as you have with Jude, Tabby, Mom, Freeda and Orrb that have already offered good sound advice. It wasn’t your fault in the beginning, but I would have to say after the known affairs, rage fits, money sprees and placing you and your son in harms way for a number of years… now it is, because you continue to stay.

You have allowed this behavior to continue in plain sight of your son. Short answer…you can’t make your husband do anything from taking his medications to his outright arsine behavior with other woman. Do you and your son a favor by packing your stuff and moving out.

My suggestion is if he is truly full blown manic….call 911 the next time he threatens you or your son, have a pick-up and detain order carried out where he will be forced to have a brief stay in an acute mental health unit and while he is there….move out.