Ive never met anyone like me. I have shared space with the intelligent in gifted classes and the sad confused psychotics in the mental wards. I was put into those classifications and I may very well fit the descriptors; however, I never found anyone close to what I am.
I can see things others dont see but I dont hallucinate. I see parallel attributes and decipher meanings in everything from art to newspaper,books,music and even conversation. I know I dont function properly when these messages wont stop coming. Why do I feel a bit of gratification in these messages? I enjoy feeling as though "I get it" but in reality and common sense I know Im ill.
There has been a touch of beauty to the madness. I have overpowering empathy. I have felt others pain and sorrow and experienced a love for mankind. Love cannot be truly felt absent of loss. Understanding sorrow is love.
My delusions may be ludicrous but the experience was very real. I dont think anyone understands the coincidences that Ive experienced. I felt the sorrow of the masses of 9/11 the day before they occured and I didnt understand why I was experiencing such sorrow and confusion. I was put in a mental ward right before 9/11.
I find parallels between my life and the lives of those I know and the National headlines. I have a thought disorder. I love to write even though words have become somewhat of an enemy to me. I decode words into messages. My husband tells people to watch "A beautiful Mind" to gain an understanding of me. Instead of math like in the movie, my things is words and the english language.
I may never experience what it feels to be loved even though people tell me they love me and I think that nobody loves others in their heart like I do.
My intelligence is my albatross around my neck. Im so smart Im broken.
We could blame the onset of my illness on my dads suicide or not getting enough love from my mother but in the end Im still mentally ill no matter the cause. Special isnt always a blessing, sometimes it can be a curse.
Even in the places I should have, I have never met anyone like me.
You're in the right place. Now I think you have met others like you. I have a 140 IQ, and I'm obsessed with words. I'm also a conspiracy theorist. Your words rang so true to me. Whoever said this said it best: "There is a fine line between genius and insanity". Though, that can be an excuse for not getting help when you need it, and living in denial of a mood disorder.
Are intelligent people more likely to be mentally ill? I don't know if anyone has ever polled MENSA about that. I have many times thought that there was nothing wrong with me; the lesser intelligent of the world just didn't have the sensitivity or perception that I did. However, once it starts to impact your daily functioning, it's time to swallow your pride and admit something is wrong.