You are at the beginning of your "adventure" of BP.   You are discovering what BP is about.  You should use your computer and your local library to educate yourself as much as possible on the disease itself.  Knowing as much as possible about the disease will enable you to learn to control some of the mood swings and learn how to deal with feelings of suicidical idealation.  I was there, I should know.  Lucky for you, you've found someone who will stand by you and will help you through this.  I too had someone and it's been 20 years and he's still with me.  I've fortunantely made it through the worse and am on the top now.  I struggled through horrible times and many, many hospitalizations and overdoses and suicide attempts until I finally was able to come to the grips of reality that medication, Drs and therapy alone were not the answer.  I myself had to take control of my mind and body and learn to deal with the way I felt and learn to take the reigns and be more responsible for my actions.  It is a lot harder than it sounds.  It took me 30 years to accomplish it.  Pdocs only have a very limited amount of time to spend with you.  They really don't put their "heart and soul" into each patient so YOU need to educate yourself on medication and keep a journal or log on what medications do to you and how you react when you take them.  It takes a while to find the correct medication and the correct doses.  It actually took me many years.  I now take my medication faithfully and do NOT rely 100% on the word of my pdoc anymore.  In the past the pdocs have made some very "bad" decsions and I've undergone some very "harmful" treatment that I allowed because I wasn't at that time aware of what I was getting into.  If I had had someone who had been through the experience who could have told me to "educate" myself and read up about the disease and truly be "responsible" for the disease then maybe it wouldn't have taken me 30 years to get myself together.  Today I live a good life.  I am finishing my PH D.  I have two grown Sons, one who is BP also.  Luckily I am a huge help to him and he leads as normal life as possible, he isn't struggling along as I did.  He plays semi-pro football, has gone to college and has a great job.  I knew when he was young he had BP, all the tell-tale signs were there.  Do not put yourself down because this disease is not unlike heart disease or diabeteses or anything else.  You just have to take good care of yourself and love yourself 100 times more.  There is hope and you can live a very good life.  Trust me, I never thought I would be on this end of the computer telling people how good life can be...but here I am.  I have my off days, sometimes it tries to turn into weeks but I stop it in it's tracks.  BP can be maintained and held in its tracks just like any other disease.  You have to have a lot of faith and self love and a very good support system around you.  You also need a good therapist to help you through the hard times.  I will pray for you and wish the best for you.  You can get "off" this crazy thing....there is hope!!!

Peace & Love