16years ago today...my 1st daughter was stillborn. Last night I couldn't sleep..insomnia gotta love it! The memories of that day came back..."worst I've ever seen" "oh my God! No I can't tell you what is happening I need to get my supervisor"(ultrasound tech) "Is my baby dead?", I say thru the lump in my throat "yes but don't worry me my wife we lose baby #1 then have baby #2 no problem you have more later"(ultrasound supervisor)My mind screaming "I CAN'T SURVIVE THIS!", willing my body not to move to follow instruction. "you have to deliver the fetus" "we have to turn the fetus around it is breach"(dr) "she the baby is a girl", I scream "nurse push on her to expell the fetus"(dr) white blanket rapidly turning red with blood. "Sign here and here and here...it will be cremated no you can't have the ashes." "There's no room elsewhere you have to recover on the maternity floor." (the nurses) "hydrogroma, appears to be female, 2 chamber heart, fetus appears to be about 20-21 weeks gestation..body appears to have quit growing, should have died before 28weeks gestation, no noticable hands, no noticable feet..." (her autopsy report) "it is your fault you killed our baby why did you kill or baby?" (the father)

Once upon a time I was young,naive, poor,and did what I was told to do. Once upon a time got shattered.  I let the father convince me I had done something to cause the baby's death, for years I believed that.A Then a few years later I found out that the defects that cause all of her problems were due to a genetic flaw carried by ...short....almost sterile...men. OMG the freaking irony.I won the unlucky lottery

I didn't cry today I got sad and finally let go. Maybe cause I am in a mania phase? Idk,perhaps because a little girl cuddled up to me in her sleep and mubbled "Mommy I love you" Tbh I am thanking God for the miracle.