I've had bipolar for years. It was my families dirty little secret. My maternal grandparents both had it. My mom still denies she has it. Then there is me. Who it trying to understand it. And is doing a very poor job of doing so.
I just don't get how I can be so happy and positive for a day to a week were nothing can go wrong in my eyes, and happiness is everywhere. The sky can't be the limit because there's more out there than just that.
Then come crashing down and there is nothing good about the world. There is no joy.
A part of me understands that is part of being bipolar. But the other stuff like not being able to sleep because a million ideas go racing through your head. The paranoia that someone is going break into your house. The lack of energy to clean. The lack of motivation to basically anything.
Where does this all lead? I have been seeing a psychiatrist and all he does is give me more pills as the symptoms develope. I swear I rattle when I walk. The medication just doesn't seem to do anything for me. I 've been in group therapy, and individual therapy for a while now and I feel like I am swimming in mud.
Does any one else feel like this? Is this normal???
I understand where you are right now, and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is possible to feel "normal" once and for all. I had struggled with the roller coaster of extremely rapid and severe cycles for some time, and all the med changes that came along with it. I was only diagnosed in 2004 and can say I am through what I hope is the worst of it by now.
My meds were changed it seemed every time I went to the doctor, and nothing seemed to work, not for long at least. Since being diagnosed I had not made it through a year without being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for many reasons. But I can say that today is actually a one year anniversary since I had been officially admitted.
Last summer I came to what was pretty much the end of the road. We had tried ever med out there with no success. So we turned to ECT. It sounds scary I know but like my Dr even said... it is not the treatment you should be scared of, it is whether the treatment will work. And I thank God every morning for those treatments. I have not had a single manic, racing, completely hopeless, or suicidal thought since those treatments, and I am only on 2 meds of a very low dose now, compared to 8 plus meds at maximum doses.
ECT is something to, of course, discuss with your Dr. and it is usually only done when most other options have been exhausted. But I am living proof that wellness can be obtained, and sustained. It does take hard work, but if I can do it and overcome this bipolar, you can to.