Hi there, I wanted to share my story with you.. sounds very similar to yours and where you are at right now.

My husband and i met in college - we were totally in love.  He was everything to me.  We just clicked so well and would lay in bed all day, eating pizza and just talking.  He was so beautiful, tall with curly light brown hair and piercing blue eyes.  We was so attentive to me and caring; I was hooked.  We finally got engaged after 4 1/2 years of dating, and married 2 years after that.  We've been together for a total of 8 1/2 years now and Matt was recently diagnosed with bipolar.  Looking back I can see the signs now.  I can't believe I never saw it, or maybe I didn't want to.  He comes from a broken family - all who have mood disorders.  But he's always been successful and loving, and he was getting older so i thought it skipped him.  I did get him a therapist 2 1/2 years ago thinking he could solve some of his past childhood issues he was having trouble with - but it didn't seem to help much.  I don't know why that therapist didn't see it either, maybe things would be different now if he had caught it early.  

Once we were engaged we moved into a home and started renovating it.  Matt had never dealt with stress very well and we knew he had some anxiety issues, but he seemed to get too upset over little things that I would brush off.  One day when we were painting late at night after work, I was exhausted and began to cry.  Matt got upset and told me to keep working, but that only made me cry more.  He grabbed me and yelled at me, which startled me and frightened me - i had never seen him so angry.  I would have guessed he would try to console me instead or show some empathy, but I chalked it up to both of us being tired and cranky.   

Matt always wanted to better himself, which was one of the things I loved about him.  Things started going down hill once he started grad school and 2 different certification tests (which had 4 parts each).  He studied TOO much, after work, on weekends... it became an obsession.  I found myself doing more and more things by myself, and if I asked him to help me with something, anything, he would get upset and tell me he didn't have time.  I increasingly felt alone, and if I ever got stressed out or upset he could never comfort me because HE was the one always stressed and NOBODY understood HIS pressures.  His studying got more excessive - he would study up until company arrived for holidays, or he would study in the car on the way to see friends.  I think I saw him for an hour a week at dinner on Saturday nights - I was lucky if I got that sometimes.  If I ever left the house for errands or to see a friend while he studied, it would anger him.  Looking back I think the studying was a coping mechanism now.   A way for him to block out his inner demons that were starting to take over.  

Then this past February 2008, it went downhill.  He was always tired, couldn't sleep at all, and had pounding chest pains.  He started to complain non-stop, picking apart his job, me, our marriage and life in general.  He started to question things I would do or my motives.  He would think I was hiding his keys when he really forgot where he left them.  He also had memory loss and couldn't keep instructions straight and couldn't concentrate at work.  He was seeing every Dr. imaginable to find out what was wrong - he went to the cardiologist, neurologist, you name it!  This was around the 1st time he took off work, and found out (or thought) he had depression.  He stayed in bed for a week and started to verbally abuse me.  Nothing i did was right.  If i pointed at him or tilted my head the wrong way I was evil.  If i picked him up a gift i was a liar.  It was insane and after a month of this I started getting out of the house to get away from it all.  Then he would blame me all the time for leaving him and not being there for him, when I was there all the time - for years actually - supporting him and doing everything I thought I could.  Yet he wouldn't let me go to his Dr's appointments with him (he later said he didn't want me to tell the Dr's how he was really behaving - he always wanted to look successful to everyone).   

I finally found a marriage councilor because I began thinking maybe he was just unhappy with me!  We went once and he seemed upbeat about it, but then it got bad again.  I went to my parents for a week and wrote him a letter, basically outlining how he's been acting, what I've done to try to help, and that i was leaving him for a while because I think he needed to go find help for himself and figure out what was going on.  He called me and begged not to leave him - told me he loved me and was nothing without me.  So i came back and saw a different Dr. with him - who diagnosed him with bipolar.  He went out of work on disability again.  

I was heartbroken.  I've seen his mother deal with this disease and it was ugly.  We went home, everything seemed OK for the night, and when i woke up, i found him standing over me yelling at me again.  I couldn't handle it - I called his mom to come take care of him because she is the only person who he was listening to.  She made a deal with him to take him down to Florida where she lived for a few weeks, until the medicine started kicking in and he could control his behavior.  She agreed to call me everyday with progress updates on how he's doing and feeling, and I was comforted by the fact that this was going to get better and my husband was going to come back to me.  They went down to Florida, and I never received one phone call.  Not one.  I felt helpless, like i had failed.  I know none of this was my fault, but the fact that not only was my husband now excluding me from his treatment, but now his FAMILY was too!  It disgusts me, but my family has made me see that they are sick as well and I can't count on them.  He continued to blame me - even though he sometimes didn't know why, and sometimes he would just nit-pick at things to pin on me.  I would ask, "Why do you love me one day and hate me the next?"  And he'd say, "I don't know," but then when i bring that point up he forgets he said it.... then he'll call me and tell me "I don't think I am bipolar, and I don't like this medication."  Denial......  

Meanwhile I was running around seeing the marriage councilor by MYSELF, as well as visiting his Dr's, going to online chat rooms for disorders, and even to bipolar support groups.  I know why he's pushed me away, but HE doesn't seem to realize it, which is the one thing I can't get over.  I have great friends and family around me, but I miss my husband, or at least the husband I knew and have loved for almost 9 years.  Once he began threatening me with separation and divorce, I couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore and went to a lawyer and had a letter sent to him basically saying, "stop sending your wife hurtful emails, make an appointment with your wife and Dr. to discuss your treatment, or go through with your divorce threat already"..... I just wanted to be involved and know what was going on.  But he got the letter, came home, and went to see a lawyer, but won't go thru with it.  It's like he's just sitting there in limbo, not believing his own thoughts and not making rational decisions.  

He went to his Dad's again, and took a few odd things: bathroom towels and the toothbrush holder, a candle, some clothes, paint from the garage, our office supplies and our safe.  I've been crying for months now, and it's like he doesn't know who I am or what he's done.  He's an empty shell of the man I used to love.  I pleaded with him to go to the marriage councilor with me but he just wants to throw our love away.  I'm at a loss.  I've been the one fighting for this and why?  In most cases it's the caregiver who leaves, not the ill one.  I know this isn't him, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to let him go, and I'm crushed because I loved him so much and our life together with our two dogs.  I wonder if in a year he will wake up from this or gain clarity and realize what he's done - pushed the only support and constant love he ever had out of  his life for no reason at all..... I'm devastated.  To think you will grow old with someone and then to think about starting life ALL over again when you had everything you wanted...  

It's hard sleeping alone, watching movies by myself, and making dinner for one.  I miss my husband; I miss my life and I can't see my future with anyone else.  But I am staying strong.  I feel like he died and I'm a widow....  

Jen

5/23/08 11:31am

Thank you for sharing. It's nice to be able to relate to others in my position as it is a very lonely place to be. My husband was on a little bit of a high yesterday when I came home. He had the radio up, but still wasn't talking to me. I think it is his way of showing me he doesn't need me or trying to act like he doesn't care. He commented that the dinner I made was good, but other than that nothing. In general he is very spiteful, which worries me. I often feel like I am being petty about the things that bother me with him. I know that some of them would seem petty in a normal relationship. It's when they happen all of the time that it becomes difficult to deal with. I am realizing that some of the pessimism and verbal anger in him is the depression. I didn't know that could be an outcome of depression. It has been rare that he says he is "feeling down" in his words, so I think he doesn't even realize it either. Other times he will tell me that he feels violent. Now, because I have labled those symptoms as being associated with bipolar he thinks that he shouldn't have shared his feelings with me. He has said that if our relationship ends, he will not stick around. I find that so hard to accept since we have two young kids-boys. One of which is adhd. I know he cherishes them both and is a good father in general taking the time for them that is needed between fathers and sons. I am really trying to focus on my happiness right now and trying to stop controlling his. I know I need counseling to help me through it and my 7 year old with adhd needs it to control his anger and start to learn to deal with his condition. I am embarrassed to share this, but as anyone with adhd/bipolar knows there is an increased sex drive factor. My husband has always been faithful to the best of my knowledge, but has long wanted to have a three-some with another female. I have not been willing to do it for many reasons. When I told him what it would take for us to begin getting back to "normal" he said on one condition....that I have a threesome. That was proof to me that he's not really ready to be treated. There should be no conditions for a person to get help. He is only willing to do so because he doesn't want to lose me. I think I'm already gone. Explaining it to my boys will be the difficult part now.