HelpMom53

By Janice Thomas Thursday, May 15, 2008

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Hi, I am a 53 year old mother to a 20 year old bipolar daughter and I could sure use some help from someone out there who has been there, done that and found a way to get through it and still keep the sanity. I have been my daughters soft place to fall her whole life, when I should have been tougher on her and worked harder to be her advocate. I need to get her to a place in life where she is able to stand on her own and she is way to dependant on me. I can't convince her, she does not listen to me. In fact, she treats me like yesterdays garbage and I can't hardly stand it anymore. I know she needs me to help her, I can't put her out in the world like this, but I am so tired of the fight it takes every single day to try to help her. Any suggestions?

Comments (11) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

5/15/08 7:27pm

I can relate to your story. My son is younger but I've always been his "soft" place to fall. Does she work or go to school? You may have to practice a little tough love on her if she's not treating you with respect. There's only so much you can do. The rest is up to her. I would insist on her working or attending school and respect from her. Good luck to you and I hope you can find your "middle" ground.

Janice Thomas

5/19/08 9:33am

Thanks for your response! Yes, I am trying to use tough love. Lucky for me, I have my 32 year old son that lives with us and when she gets out of control, he is a big help. She is not in school. School has been an absolute nightmare for us since she was in elementary. She is disabled and I don't know how easy it would be to find her a job, but I am looking for volunteer work for her. She is really good with children and animals, so I am looking for something maybe at the local children's hospital or maybe at the Humane Society. Just helping her have a few hours away from me and the house would be helpful to both of us and finding something for her to get involved in would hopefully give her a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. Thanks for your response, it lets me know I just have to work at this longer and be more consistant.

DTSB

5/16/08 1:07am

Hi, I am bipolar and it is not easy. I struggle everyday with this awful mental illness. It took me sometime to where I could functiion and take good care of myself. Hang in there. DTSB

Janice Thomas

5/19/08 9:40am

Thanks for your encouragement! It is a struggle dealing with Bipolar. I know it's harder for those of you who have it than those of us who are caretakers. It breaks my heart that my daughter has to struggle so hard in life. I am just trying to make things easier for her, but I guess this is a battle she has to pretty much find her own way out of. I want her to find a path that makes her happy, but she is the only one who knows what that path is. I am glad you found your way, it gives me hope that my daughter will also find her way. You hang in there and God bless you DTSB.

Diane

6/18/08 6:54pm

Helpmom53

My daughter too had bipolar and borderline personality disorder and took drugs.She abuse her own meds. and was nasty to me so many times I wished I could stop being there for her.I know she really felt bad about the things she'd say. And hated the way she felt and hated her life. But I knew she loved me.But if you didn't know her you'd think she hated me. By the time we found out why she felt so bad all the time and the mood swings and etc. She started taking Valium from the streets and then later what ever. She went to a psyc. on her own and he gave so many pills. I think they made her worse and she took more of her pills to make her in another world. And hated herself later for it. But she couldn't get herself to feel better so more street drugs. She wasn't a dumb girl she was 4.0 all the way throught med. Asst. school. She started with these feeling from the time she was 14 till she died last year at 27. She took 90 pills her doctor gave her within 3 days along with someother street drug. Now I raise her at the time ,4yr old son. But the night before she died I said something to her that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. " If your going to kill yourself do already so I can live the rest of my life in peace." I was just mad because of taking the Valium. I didn't mean it. But besides that I was always there for her. I supported her and her son. and wish I could do it for the rest of my life. I'll never know if she couldn't take the rejection I had said or if she just got worse on the drugs.

Just be there.She will need you even when she says she don't.

Diane

Janice Thomas

6/23/08 11:47am

Dianne, I am so sorry for your loss. Please, don't let yourself feel guilty about what you said to her. She knew you were frustrated and probably at your wits end trying to help her and her son. Unfortunately, just because we are mothers and responsible for caring for our children, doesn't mean we never make a mistake by lashing out verbaly when they have done it to us all their lives. God bless you for all the heartbreak you continue to live through. You know your daughter loved you and she knew you loved her as well. Who cared for her long past when anyone else would have told them not to let the door hit them in the butt on the way out? Who is so giving that they are caring for her child? YOU!!! The message you are trying to tell me I can hear it loud and clear and I thank you for it. I too get frustrated and say things I probably shouldn't. And it makes me realize that you need to treat the people you love like it might be your last day in life OR theirs. You make me think of my sister. I have always been very close to her and I have to admire her strength. She had two little boys. Her oldest child was diagnosed at 4 with cystic fibrosis and died shortly after his 8th birthday. Her second child just died 2 years ago from an accidental overdose of a combination of street drugs and alcohol. She has no living children, but her memories haunt her daily. What could she have done differently? How could she have helped them? There is not anything she could have done to change the course of what hap-pened with her son with cystic fibrosis. It is terminal and incurable. She tried many things to help her 42 year old son get off the drugs and get his life on track. I asked her and I'm asking you to count your blesssings, not your losses. I know that even when you have an out of control child with bipolar, you still have plenty to feel blessed about. Dig up those memories of the good times with your daughter and when you start to feel guilty or incredibly sad over her death, chase those thoughts away and think instead of the good memories. What better way can you think of to honor your daughters life? I will keep you in my prayers and hope for you that everything in your life gets easier day by day. Please let me hear from you again to let me know how you are or if you need an friend to listen to you, I am right here. Janice

Diane

7/ 7/08 4:52pm

Janice

Thank you for your letter. It's funny you sent or I recieved it on my daughters birthday. But I've just got to my computer today, it's hard at 59 to work all week and care for a 5yr old. Just get worn out and don't have as much time for myself. My daughter was the only child I had and David is my only grandchild. But I don't know what I'd do without him. He is hyper and hoping he will grow out of alot, because I really don't want to take him to the doctors and put on medication. Waiting for school to start and see how he'll do in 1st grade, and if the teacher calls me. He was a young 5yr old in kindergarden because he started when he was still 4yrs old. So thinking maybe he'll be alright now. He's bright and most of his hyper stuff he pulls is probably just with me and my husband. He did have a real hard time with his moms death. I had him in greiveing counceling for awhile but it didn't do any good. He's better with it now

but still gets his moments. He told me his heart is damaged and broke and how can he fix it. I just told him with time it will feel better. Thanks for listening.

Diane

Janice Thomas

7/ 9/08 9:20am

Diane, it was good to hear from you. I know what you mean about finding the time you need to care for yourself. Somedays just getting stuff done takes everything you got and more. I get tired so easy, I am getting arthritis pretty bad in my feet, hips, and hands and it just takes more than I've got to get everything done. As far as your grandson goes, what a blessing! I am so glad you have him. I know it tires you out trying to keep up with him, but it sounds like to me that when you try to help him with his grief over his mother, you are probably helping yourself as well. There is probaby a thousand different things you can say to him, but what is most important is that you and your husband are there for him and love him. He will get through this. Maybe not without scars, but his journey through the hard parts in life will teach him good things. He will learn how to look for answers to solve his own problems, he will gain strength and ability to get through all the hard things life throws at you. I still keep your family in my prayers and I just have a feeling you are all on the right road to find your way through this. It seems like you are doing so much for that little boy, I'm sure he is going to be very grateful that he has you for a grandma. Your friend, Janice.

Diane

7/10/08 9:40pm

Janice

Thanks, it's good to hear good things.

Diane

Anonymous

7/17/08 9:41pm

I have been living with this as far back as maybe high school. Progressively getting worse... feeling like committing suicide, but I have a date tommorow was enough at first, until I felt like pefection was expected of me/ I could never attain it/and had no place to go... pills, only the ones in my name strangely. Didn't tell anyone until I talked to my then boyfriend. Since then, in and out of hospitals, outpatient groups, almost fatal car accidents, more pills prescribed by psychs, more relationships (usually lasting no more than a year), swinging sexually - dating sexually more than 20 men at the same time, bankruptcy, disability, too many jobs for too short a period of time (6months work/ 6 months disability/next job, etc.), loss of short term memory, paranoia, delusions, can't make decisions, skitzoaffective disorder... worse and worse the cycles go - within the same day. Computer intellectual, respected... now living in my parents basement, offically disabed by social security.

Give you any idea what it's like for us?

I'd rather die or be so incoherent that I could live 24/7 in a psych ward...

Janice Thomas

7/18/08 9:34am

Wow, that blows me away! I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Sounds like you don't have a lot of choice in the things happening in your life. No, I don't know what it is like to BE bipolar. I try my best to take care of my almost 21 year old daughter. It sometimes is hard for me to remember that she is bi-polar and that we don't have the same reasoning skills. I tell her, when you wake up in a manic mood(not my favorite), instead of screaming at me that you hate me and wish I weren't your mother- just try keeping the hateful, vile words from coming out of your mouth, get your medication and take a Zanex. Wait until the medication has had a chance to get into your system and you get more centered, then we can deal with whatever is going on. I am doing my best. She has had early onset bipolar since she was about 3 years old. Being almost 21 now, I am at my wits end, trying to help her. I've tried about everything I can. I am trying to make her understand that I am almost 54 now, I've been in a really bad car accident that really left me with a lot of residual problems. I've got arthritis pretty bad in the places where I had broken bones from the accident, I'm physically exhausted and emotionally fried. I need her help to do what she can so I can be a better person to help her. Where do you go and who do you get the right answers from? I wish you all the best. Life is not easy at best, and when you have a problem to deal with like the one you and my daughter have, it is a whole lot harder. I realize that it is much harder from your side to cope with this, but I pray for you to find your way through this and come out with the right answers for you.

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