Don't know what to do

chellbel82 -

This is my first visit here to this forum.  (I usually go to classic film forums to escape.) But as a bipolar affected person's partner, I was so moved by our mutual sadness that I had to register so I could write to you.   I have been married to a bpolar sufferer for 20 years, diagnosed and medicated for 7.  Most people would say I'm lucky, he never misses work (although he has caused himself a few problems there), he doesn't cheat or gamble and most of his spending can be rationalized.  He doesn't beat me and the hypersexuality and severe paranoia are under control.  Still, all I have to report are 20 years of sad memories.  What sets him off?  Every holiday and season change.  Every change in life.  No, he doesn't hide in Aruba or under the covers but sometimes I wish he did.  Sometimes I wish he would cheat or beat me so I would have the excuse to leave.  No one tells a woman she has to put up with physical abuse, right?  But being cussed out regularly and made to put up with stupid obsessive compulsive rules and made to feel stupid are abusive in ways others can't see.  He puts on a pretty good act in public.  So we have given up on having children and every day is a battle in which I am the one who has to decide whether to fight or hide, which is not easy to do since a bipolar person won't let you off the hook and my spouse's style is to chase you all over the house lecturing about energy consumption and how it's my fault he doesn't have enough toys and how I put everyone else first.  (Don't ask me how I could, I can't get away from him long enough.)  I often wonder if I should release him because according to him he would be happier.  He threatens divorce all the time, yet we've never even been separated.  I just wish he'd shut up or leave.  Of course, why would he give up his scapegoat?  I think I am suffering from PTSD at this point and it is not helping our household.  And my point is?...If you're not married and you don't have kids - I'd think long and hard.  Life's a long time to be sad.

I do try to stand up for myself - he does know the difference between right and wrong but doesn't always act on it.  Thank you for your support.

PLEASE TO OTHERS - DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO MY POSTS - I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD GET AN EMAIL NOTIFICATION.

You are not married, you have no kids between you, she is not your daughter - so, you have no real legal obligations.  She is your partner for whom you live with.

Her struggle with Bipolar is drowning you as a unfortunate casualty.  If you allow her to drown you then what good will you be to her, to anyone else in your life, and more importantly - to yourself?

You can't make her go to therapy, you can't make her go to pdoc appointments, you can't even make her take her meds.  She has to be the one to do those things.  If she is playing the "oh woe is me..." victim role then it is because you and others have allowed her to do so.

Before you drown, move out.  Find yourself a place nearby, set up boundaries and limits and keep the consequences, find yourself some peace, and love her from a distance. 

This is lifelong my friend and you have to be prepared to ride the roller coaster life long if this is who you see yourself with life long.  So, if you stay - shore yourself up, look after yourself health and mental wise, and be sure you want to go this - lifelong.

If she settles down, stays compliant with meds, chooses therapy, goes to pdoc appointments, etc... then there is a chance she can maintain stabilization for life long.  She has to choose though, you can't make her.

Tabby hit the nail on the head as far as giving great advice. I would say the majority of what you have written could have been written by a number other caregivers including myself. I sit on both sides of the fence of living with the illness and a partner that is also bipolar.

My guess is that she is suffering from a mixed state mania when she goes off on you. Any paranoid delusions or hearing voices during these times she is berating you? If so, good chances she will remember none of it and doesn’t mean what she says. The problem stems from the fact you don’t get to have the luxury of forgetting it all like it didn’t happen.

With her not being med compliant, not getting any for of therapy (medications can only do so much) and her unwillingness to take responsibility for anything is only going to lead to more of the same.

Even with knowing the fact that she doesn’t mean what she is saying doesn’t take the hurt away. She is an explosion waiting to happen and my advice is to move away from the blast site as quickly as possible. As a caregiver I know just how easy it is to enable people by being overly protective and doing everything for them to get them well.

It might actually get her headed in the right direction if there was nobody willing to do it for her making it her responsibility to take care of her business of pdoc appointments and work to get by. You’re in a tough spot and only you can make that call.

I would also suggest to you to vent here to get things off your chest with people that do in fact understand your situation and get in to see a therapist to help get you through this period of your life. The worst thing you can do is to hold it all inside thinking you are alone with it.

I feel for you tremendously and it sounds like your getting a lot of good advice from the folks here.  One of the best things you could have done was to post on this message board...it has helped me tremedously and the people here are experienced and wonderfully supportive of each other.

My partner has also had a lifetime of "too much" support to the point where he does not take care of himslef and doesn't feel as if he is able to.  His most recent breakdown I believe may be his saving grace, though it is unfortunate that is the way it had to be... my point is he now realizes that he must take control of the situation to live healthily.

You can continue to support your partner while setting boundaries of your own.  If a person is not willing to admit they have a real dissability and take action to gain control of their lives then there is nothing you can do to help them.  the old saying you can't help someone who won't help themselves rings true...aand trying to means a life sentence of uncertainty and most likely unhappiness.

Everything I've learned since I began my journey with my bipolar partner tells me that a "normal" and successful life is possible.  But as with any disability, physical or mental, it takes living a certain lifestyle.  Those who seem successful are the ones that not only take there meds and see their docs, but meditate, exercise, journal, attend support groups, play music, play sports...whatever works for them.

As someone who loves a person with bi-polar, I believe it is OK to say I love you and I want to be here for you always, I will always be your friend, but I cannot support you as your life partner if you are not ready to do what it takes to try and support yourself.  If you are ready to adjust your lifestyle to help your partner be healthy (which is something you should be willing and ready to do if you are going to commit to someone with a disability) then she needs to step up to the plate and do the same.  Otherwise she is committing herself and you to a lifetime of instability that I know she doesn't want anymore than you.  Bi-polars often seem to be very intelligent, and are certainly capable of viewing their illness with a degree of rationality if approached at the right time (ie not during a rage) I have focused on my partners past medical history to help him accept that he has a real disability that is nothing to be ashamed of anymore than if he were blind.  It will never go away, but it can be faced head on and life can be good if it is taken seriously.  This line I told him(over and over) seemed to really sink in: 

"If you were blind I would always put the same clothes in the same drawers, and would not rearrange the furniture in the house...but if you insisted on going out without your walking there would be nothing I could do for you."

Good luck, try to be strong, and take care of yourself.

Tasha

I should be the first to say this as I know very well how terrible it can be to hear stuff from the lips you just kissed ten minutes ago.You know what welcome to the ride of your life cause Eric is so right about this they do not remember what they have said or done sometimes and that is sad ,So you expecting her to comply and own up to her suffering right now is gonna hurt you more than her.

A person with an abusive history and no real security who has just been diagnosed is going to feel more rejection if she cannot get a grip on her spin outs.And she will always blame you for the out come ,that is tough it will be real baby steps if you stay you have to really read about this and stay on line where you can talk .I am a Caregiver too and I cannot believe I am in this sometimes it blows my mind on the other hand I am aware of the no fault finder and little advances on my part.I give my spidy man a good look and realize more and more I cannot cure him only God prayer and him taking some responsability for himself ,Tha is where they do get better but it is a tough one and you got to be real you are only human .I am sorry she says so many bad things take it easy and keep us informed.

 My heart goes out to you and my prayers will be with you, I very well know what you are up against. Even though it's my 20 year old daughter and not my spouse giving me problems, it amazes me how similar our situations are. In addition to her, I have two older sons to raise. I have always tried to be her soft place to fall and take care that I provided her with what she needed and I find it strange that I am the one who gets the rages and am her target with the aweful things that come out of her mouth. I can't say anything that she doesn't argue with me about. I have given to the point that I don't have much left to give and I have gone through a really rough time trying to figure out how to help her. I take her to see her doctor and she pulls the "I am not a minor child anymore, I don't want you to be in the dr's office with me" and she makes sure I am not allowed in to talk to her doctor. I am doing everything I can for her. I am trying out some good old Tough Love right now. I expect her to be respectfull in the way she speaks to me and to be considerate of me and my 32 year old son who lives with us. Until she can treat me with more respect and pull her weight around here(her idea of helping with chores is to put the bathroom trash in the can outside), I will not give her a ride anywhere except a dr's appt. and I will not give her one penny to do anything for her enjoyment such as going to the movies at the mall. I know it's hard for you and there probably isn't a whole lot you can do except take good care of your-self and make sure you find something you can do that YOU enjoy. Go out and have a beer or a cup of coffee with a friend, go to a baseball game or anything that gives you a break. I am betting you never get any me time. Can you talk to her doctor, either on the phone or in their office(by yourself), to find out what options you have? I know it is very hard caring for a person with bipolar, you cry, you get depressed, you want to walk away but you have to work through those feelings and hang in there with every thing you've got. You will find a way to make it through all this and I am praying for you that it happens soon.