I need help! I have a partner with bipolar disorder and things have been aweful recently. Between finances and her disorder we have been fighting constantly. The things she says and does are so horrible that it has set me into a serious depression. I know it's supposed to be the disease talking when she has her rages but there are things that she has said to me that I wouldn't say to even my worst enemy. So I'm sitting here with a dilemma... is it her or is it the disease? And if it is the disease and she can't control it, then how much is a partner supposed to take??
I guess I should provide a little more background. She had a terrible childhood (her parents are abusive junkies who are also bipolar), her adolescent years were equally as bad, and before we got together she was living in her car. She had been hospitalized a couple of times for her depression and risky behavior (ie drug overdose). The hopital said that maybe she had bipolar disorder, but they weren't going to look into it any further. I don't know if this was due to her age as she was a minor. They prescribed her antidepressants, that didn't work, and she of course discontinued them.
She and I got together and I knew there were issues (her demons as she calls them) that she had but didn't know about her mental history. They became more obvious as time progressed and I asked her if she ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We made her an appointment to see because she couldn't take her head spinning and her rages all of the time. Not to long after, was diagnosed about a year ago with bipolar disorder.
We have been on the long road to recovery since, however the only thing she is compliant on is the meds. And even then there are times when she flat out refuses to take them because they aren't helping her. She doesn't see the need to go to a therapist because "they don't work." They are also terribly expensive. She has not held a steady job since she was diagnosed, so we have been really tight on money. As a matter of fact things are so bad that we may even have to forclose on our mortgage soon.
She will not go to support groups and has even skipped many pdoc appointments because she didn't feel like going. I would hold her hand and take her to her appts but I have to work 2 jobs right now and it's just not possible. She constantly wants me to call her pdoc to make the appointments and wants me to keep tabs on when she is supposed to go because she won't. She sleeps all day practically and says that there is no way that she can help it. She just got a job at McDonalds last week and I think lost it today because she decided she didn't feel like it. This of course led to a nasty little fight that has left some bruises on my heart and on my person.
I guess at this point I'm sad and I'm scared and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do with her anymore. She is the love of my life and I don't ever want to leave her. She doesn't think that she is responisble for her illness and acts like the victim. I work dilegently to give her a roof over her head, emotional and financial support, and anything else that she needs, but I'm worn so thin. I just don't know what to do! Sometimes I get so mad about all of this because I'm doing everything on my own and trying to carry her and I'm only one person. She doesn't see that. If I don't do something for her then she gets incredibly insecure and is cruel to me. Like if I don't do everything under the sun for her that I don't love her anymore. I try to tell her that she's pushing me away and that she's really hurting our relationship and she just says "if you don't like it, leave."
chellbel82 -
This is my first visit here to this forum. (I usually go to classic film forums to escape.) But as a bipolar affected person's partner, I was so moved by our mutual sadness that I had to register so I could write to you. I have been married to a bpolar sufferer for 20 years, diagnosed and medicated for 7. Most people would say I'm lucky, he never misses work (although he has caused himself a few problems there), he doesn't cheat or gamble and most of his spending can be rationalized. He doesn't beat me and the hypersexuality and severe paranoia are under control. Still, all I have to report are 20 years of sad memories. What sets him off? Every holiday and season change. Every change in life. No, he doesn't hide in Aruba or under the covers but sometimes I wish he did. Sometimes I wish he would cheat or beat me so I would have the excuse to leave. No one tells a woman she has to put up with physical abuse, right? But being cussed out regularly and made to put up with stupid obsessive compulsive rules and made to feel stupid are abusive in ways others can't see. He puts on a pretty good act in public. So we have given up on having children and every day is a battle in which I am the one who has to decide whether to fight or hide, which is not easy to do since a bipolar person won't let you off the hook and my spouse's style is to chase you all over the house lecturing about energy consumption and how it's my fault he doesn't have enough toys and how I put everyone else first. (Don't ask me how I could, I can't get away from him long enough.) I often wonder if I should release him because according to him he would be happier. He threatens divorce all the time, yet we've never even been separated. I just wish he'd shut up or leave. Of course, why would he give up his scapegoat? I think I am suffering from PTSD at this point and it is not helping our household. And my point is?...If you're not married and you don't have kids - I'd think long and hard. Life's a long time to be sad.
Stand up for yourself. I don't let anyone talk to me like that and you shouldn't either. My case is different. The one I care for is my child and I can't really release him and wouldn't even if I could. I don't put up with him verbally abusing me or cussing at me though. Nobody deserves that. They do have control.
Still you have to pick your battles. Abuse shouldn't be tolerated no matter what "illness" that person has.