Another abusive episode

By Sunshine713 Friday, October 05, 2007

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I had another explosive episode last night. The tiniest thing will set me off. I feel so bad for my boyfriend because I know he hates me when I get this way. I get such intense and fierce rage - usually over something I know I could handle differently, without blowing up. But the rage takes control and I can't stop it. I even think things like, "Who is saying these things? Why am I screaming at him over this?", but it doesn't help me to stop. Once I'm in full rage mode, nothing can stop me. I know my boyfriend is super close to leaving me over these rage episodes. He has no idea how to handle me when I'm like that and it almost always ends up with him physically pushing me away or him grabbing my arms so tightly, that it actually leaves bruises. He calls me crazy, which I know I am, but when says that, it breaks my heart. Last night he admitted he goes to work and tells all of his coworkers about his crazy girlfriend. I felt so betrayed - and still do. He makes me feel like I can't get better. Everyone at his work, people who have never met me, already think/know I'm crazy. How could I ever make them see me differently? He never tells them when I do something great. (He admitted that to me too.) I actually feel like I hate him during these rage episodes. I should just leave the house and be away from him, but I don't. I stay there and fight. It always end with me being hurt and crying my eyes out. Last night he told me to "F Off" and said he doesn't care if I leave, but then when he came back from his night job, he was telling me he loves me and was begging me not to leave. He says I'm a great - near perfect - girlfriend 98% of the time. It's the 2% when I'm crazy that he can't handle. I don't want to be this way, but it's like something takes over my mind and my actions. I literally feel like a different person at those times. If any of my friends and/or coworkers heard of my rage, they'd laugh. They'd say there's no way I could be that person. They always see the me that is sweet, shy, quiet and rarely outwardly angry. Why can't I be that person all of the time? I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm near the end of my rope. I've lost every relationship I've ever had because of my insecurities and crazy episodes. I don't want to lose another one. Cry

Comments (10) | Add comment

Eric

10/ 5/07 2:54pm

The one thing I am picking up on is that you are able to control it around everyone else but the boyfriend.

You have also said this has happened before in prior relationships of you getting out of control. What’s the deal with… it’s alright to take it out on people your closest too and not everyone else?

What I'm getting at is that you are able to control it when you want. Sounds like the anxiety triggers the rage and you let go, knowing he will keep coming back.

What that should be telling you is that he loves you and wants it too work. But you’re also right in that if it continues, he will have no other choice but to walk and that would be too bad for both of you.

I think also in the back of your mind you feel he is going to be like the rest and leave so you in turn create the situation and make it happen.

Hopefully you have a good therapist that can help you get through it. They can help and explain it to you a whole lot better that I can. I really hope that what I have to say sometimes helps others at least a little bit.

Sunshine713

10/ 5/07 3:26pm

Eric,

I appreciate the advice and a lot of it hit home with me. Thanks so much!

I don't just start these episodes out of nothing. It's always something he does to set me off. He and I are opposites in a lot of ways. He isn't emotional at all. He's very demanding and very self-centered. He fully admits these three things. I'm, obviously, quite emotional. I always put others first. I have practically no self-esteem, despite people always telling me so many wonderful things about myself. He likes to push my buttons sometimes. He makes fun of my gay brother during arguments. He wasn't at all supportive when my best friend and grandma passed away recently. I keep wanting him to be there for me, like others were in the past, and when he constantly lets me down, I get defensive. I know I can't change him, but I feel that I can change myself. I want to believe that if I become a better person around him - the person I let others see - we'll get along better. I am full of insecurities and negativity and I've worked nearly all of my adult life to break free of that. I still have a very long way to go.

Eric

10/ 8/07 10:01am

It's time to move on and be available when that right man does comes along, don't you think?

tabby

10/ 5/07 3:03pm

2 cents to add cause you posted:

you may be "dissociating" when you are in one of these rages. I'm not a doctor, I'm not but, if sometimes you know in your head that this isn't you and you don't recognize yourself but yet can't stop it, you might be. It might be something in which to discuss with your pdoc and/or therapist.

There are meds out there that can help with these rages and therapy can help also. You might seriously want to explore this.

I am concerned though with why your boyfriend has to physically restrain you or push you away especially because you say you often have bruises afterwards. Are you threatening him physically to cause him to do so?

If not, and he just is to control your verbal rage then... he needn't have to. If you are, then you need to explore your anger management cause no one, ill or not, deserves to be physically or mentally abused and if you are, then perhaps he feels he needs to defend himself.

Just 2 more cents to add:

For him to go around calling you crazy and describing you as crazy doesn't sound like he really supports you or understands your illness. If he is doing it as a joke then it isn't really funny and apparently, according to your posting, it really bothers you for him to do that.

Sunshine713

10/ 5/07 3:16pm

Thanks, Tabby! No, I don't hit him or even touch him when I'm going through my rage episodes. He doesn't know how to calm me down so he pushes me or tries to physically restrain me. He screams at me and has this look on his face that scares me to death. I'm always worried that I've pushed him to far (verbally) and he's going to seriously hurt me.

He doesn't say I'm crazy in a joking manner. He's completely serious. But, I can't fight back because I know I'm different than others and most people would call me crazy.

I've tried therapists - three times. They didn't help - plus it was super expensive, even with just having a co-pay. I've tried meds too, but only Paxil, Celexa, and Sertraline. Those can get pricey too - especially when I'm already on meds for allergies and asthma.

I am going to try a support group though through DBSA. I found one in my own city!

Eric

10/ 5/07 3:13pm

I am assuming that he is keeping you from attacking him physically. If it is getting confrontational...it's time to split up.

Sunshine713

10/ 5/07 3:17pm

No, I swear I have never attacked him physically. I just become very cruel verbally. He can't handle that and reacts in a physical way.

tabby

10/ 5/07 6:25pm

If this is true then hon he is abusing you physically. If what you type is the truth in that you only verbally attack or lash out then his putting his hands on you to physically restrain or control you is not good.

He can always say "to h**ll with this, I'm gone. I'll come back in a while when you are in a better mood." or he can just walk away until things calm down. Physically restraining you or pushing you whether bruises form or not, is abuse.

No one, whether ill or not, whether there is a reason or not, deserves to be physically or mentally abused. If what you also say regarding he describing you and or referring to you as "crazy" especially to other people is serious and not a joke then he doesn't respect you.

You have anger management issues and rage issues and what you listed as meds are anti-depressants that can sometimes make folks manic and highly agitated. You really need to see a pdoc to get meds that will help you with your anger and rage and a therapist to help you balance out your agitation and mood.

You are not crazy, you have issues that if you seek the proper treatment can be dealt with in a positive and nurturing manner. However, you have got to take that step and seek help. Also, Eric's suggestion of a possible split up might be something you should consider.

It is totally and completely up to you how you live your life and what you do day to day because it is your life and we here in cyberspace only know what you type. You typed a situation onto a message board with the anticipation that folks would respond. We can only respond with comments and opinions.

Anonymous

10/ 9/07 5:28am

Dear Sunshine,

I, too, had problems with rage, that would get out of control. What helped me get through these times, were anger management classes and Risperdal. Risperdal was a godsend for me in helping me to control my rages.

Looking a bit deeper though, I am wondering if your rages aren't directed at him because of the way he is treating you. It doesn't sound like he is being very supportive of you by telling his co-workers that you are crazy and putting bruises on your arms in an attempt to restrain you. The emotional abuse at his hands, is enough to send you into a rage state, and the Risperal can help with this. Also the anger management classes helped me a great deal, as well.

Like Eric said, it sounds like your relationship has become toxic and only you can know if it is worth saving. The last thing you need in your current situation, is a person who is not supportive of you.

I wish you the best in making your choices about staying or leaving. I know it will be hard, but ultimately, I hope you do what is best for you.

Kay

KittyKat

10/24/07 2:05am

I had an explosive episode monday, on the school bus. I am only 17 but I've been depressed for a few years. The problem with me is that I bottle up all my emotions until "one little thing" pushes me over the edge and I explode. All of my waverying feelings come out to the point where I scream out and cry, afterwards I get these migranes and my body aches. Monday started out so well and then when I got to my art class, I feel so low in that class even though I am in drawing and painting 2 it's just everyone is so good and I really admire them but they can be cruel at times and look down on me. Even when I won the art contest they didn't congratulate me, they were outraged. It made me feel bad because I did put my heart into it. =( Then on the bus people are always in my business and I really didn't say anything until Monday....I told them to all shut up but they laughed at me and I just exploded and went off and they called me "Crazy" or made comments like "she's going to kill us all". I was so tired and depressed that I didn't even bother to get up out of bed because I cried so much the night before. Now I have school tomorrow, same bus same art class a part of my is really afraid.

~Kita~

Another abusive episode

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