I sympathize.  But you need to draw an important distinction. If I read your post correctly, your ongoing problems are not the result of your husband's untreated bipolar disorder. Your problem is that your husband is an addict. If your husband fills a prescription for benzodiazapines tomorrow, do you believe he will instantly sober up? Or will he continue to abuse drugs and benzodiazapines as well? (The jury is still out on whether long-term drug addiction causes bipolar disorder or vice versa, so he needs treatment for both.)

My 43-year-old sister suffers with bipolar disorder. Over the course of 30 years, she has abused at least one drug, often more than one, from every substance schedule of the DEA.  Speed, painkillers, PCP, cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol. When she appeared in court for a DWI, her attorney sought leniency due to her finally being "treated" for bipolar disorder. True, she was taking her prescription; she was also in court while high on heroin. My sister got clean and later received meaningful treatment for BD only after realizing that we, her family, had washed our hands of her as a manipulative, maladaptive addict who did not appreciate the high price we paid in our misguided attempts to "help" her over the years, who had no remorse for embarrassing us, lies, car accidents, arrests, physical violence, stealing, depression, empty promises to "make it up" to us, empty claims about her big plans for treatment, and her treatment of us all over again.

Your situation is a bit different, the difference being your husband's involvement of your sons in his addiction.  Your husband is an addict.  He will continue to abuse drugs until he suffers through a consequence. Not just "face" a consequence, which implies a bail-out. He has to "suffer" through it.  Don't his daily actions, including the drug abuse of his own sons, tell you that he intends to live his way, not yours?  If your husband were to come to you tomorrow for "help", the condition would probably be that you do all the recovery work for him; in his mind, it is you who wants him sober, not him, but he will give up drugs for you. When he fails, it will be your fault -- which it will, because he did not want to be sober in the first place. Then he will redefine "help" (again) and manipulate you into providing whatever he needs to feed his ... addictions. 21 years, he probably knows that deep down, you feel guilty for ever having left him!

I'm sure you're reading this and saying, "Nah, I'll never get back together with him." You'd be surprised.  Until you get some counseling, you have no idea what you will do if he catches you unprepared. So, begin by reading the following out loud then looking long and hard in a mirror.

"My husband is an addict and has bipolar disorder. He is a willing slave to addiction. I have no choice but to change my own life and work on letting him go. To do so, I must accept my role in 21 years of enabling my husband to engage, with impunity [def. without punishment, penalty or harm], in behavior that destroyed not only him but the safety, security and success of our entire family. I did not cause my husband's addictions or his bipolar disorder -- but I contributed to the dysfunction by silently allowing him to behave and make decisions that impacted the health and wellbeing of our family, and as a result, we lost our possessions, our vehicles, and our home.

"Since our separation, my husband continues abuse drugs and alcohol. He is comfortable in (or unaware of) his current environment. My husband has decided to create his own version of a "family", one that accepts his addiction- and bipolar-based lifestyle, by abusing his own 20- and 17-year-old sons with illegal drugs. I now know that for 21 years, I modeled unhealthy enabling behaviors that my children learned as well.  Now, my oldest children are enabling their father, too guilty to abandon him, too responsible for his safety, and too terrified that if anything bad happens to him, it will be their fault. They are also desperate for an example of how to become a man, even if the only example of adulthood available to them is their addicted, mentally ill father. As much as it breaks my heart, I cannot fix them either.  But I will change my own life starting now.

"Starting now, my most powerful tool is living the way I know I want to live, and saying "no more" to anyone who threatens my wellbeing or the wellbeing of my children. If love alone were a cure for addiction and mental illness, I would happy, and we would be a healthy family. Starting now, my family consists of my children and me. I cannot undo years of enabling, but I can set a powerful new example for my children:  Everyone makes mistakes, and it is never too late to reset our priorities and our boundaries.

"I protect and provide for my family while my addicted, mentally ill husband abandoned us. Until he seeks treatment, it is better that he is gone.  Even after 21 years, I am grateful for the truth, and the salvage of the next 21 years.  I am grateful for a fresh chance at happiness for myself and my children."

Anonymous

9/28/08 11:50am

Excellent post!  I'm in the process of divorcing my husband of 27 years.  While he had no addictions, we (3 children) suffered much of what you have described.  My oldest children also feel sorry for their father (denial of the illness on my oldest sons part) so I think that's a normal reaction.  I call him the "Disneyland Dad" as he takes absolutely no responsibility in the day to day raising of our youngest boy.  I am in a much healthier place now (1 1/2 years since he moved out) and plan to stay here.  I keep/kept my distance from him to avoid the manipulation, which is hard since we operate a business together.  He's quickly running the business into the ground to spite me.  His words - "if I go down, I'm taking all of you with me."  And I Loved this man!!!  The divorce proceedings have been vacated twice and I'm holding onto a thread here trying to financially protect my family and all of the hard work I/we've put in to a business and nice home.  My point being - Take care of YOU first, your children will benefit from your strength, and so will you.  Best of luck, you are not alone.