yeah.. thats pretty much how I have been taking life these days.
I know already I will be admitting myself back to the psychiatric hospital
in the next few days. Its inevitable. I have been holding out ya know?
But i know that it is not healthy for me to hold out as well. My brain needs medication
to balance the chemicals out. I have been in deep dark despair out of nowhere for the last 3 weeks!! I am a rapid cylcer/ hypomanic pretty much. The mania hasnt occured in a good month 1.5. Even then I call that the head lights to a freight train indeed.
I cant be fooled by its spark because to the degree of the mania..ois the degree of my collision with sanity..(you know)..the crash!! I have hit my bottom with drooling for the mania. It is a psychosis and I know that when it happens. I am still sick when i am manic. I affect others around me and make them exhausted to be with me. I make foolish decisons like drinking the night before actions. I am so fucken lonely too..
Other than this disorder I am funny, outgoing, articulate, educated and down to earth.
I love good music and to go with the flow. I want to do Nanny work but hell I dont even have a car. I am on sdisbility and at the end of paying my bills..I have no cash for a car.
I'm stuck. Am i supposed to sit on my ass all day and just rot from bipolar?? there has git to be more to life. I let my daughter move in witrh 2 of her girlfriends. Very responsible and mature young ladies.. I need time to get my head together. I think alot about death and arrangements if I decided to take my life. Its such a hardcore solution during my slipknot darkness. Tonight I feel better than yesterday. I met a woman on here and she was very helpful. We swapped numbers and talked on the phone. I beleive she saved me from getting on the bus to go to the hospsital this morning. I woke up and wanted to die..like immediately after i woke up i felt dread and hopelessness... worthlessness to be blunt. I had friends but I saw through their fakeness. Or my self esteem is so low that i push people away. I was in AA..and stopped. I darnk again after 7 years of sobriety last month. When I do drink its no more than 4 beers. Strange..I'm glad I dont crave it. That night I was utterly lonely with 24 poeple around me. My family at a bon fire reunion spill over. I am so alone. I would love to have a friend over and listen to music and waych comedies and stuff ya know?? Talk about world issues..what matters in life and such.
My daughter is 16 and out on her own sort of. Thats ok. Thank God she is not a toddler or elementary age. I can hardly handle my moods. ok so hit me up if you want to connect. If you can relate..then hit me up. Otherwise.. have a great mind life. Tommorow might be a nightmare..I cherish good moments..
My heart goes out to you! I understand what you are going through, because I've been there. I've been hospitalized 10 times in 30 years. I am now high functioning, on the right meds. I lead a normal life in every way, and take care of my husband, who has terminal cancer. You might want to think about seeing a professional, if you feel hopeless, because there's always hope. I don't know of too many people who can not be helped...you have to find the right combination of mood stablizers and anti-depressants, and find a doctor with whom you can relate. There is so much help out there, but you have to have the courage to reach out your hand! It's frightening to think about being in the hospital, I know--it scares the hell out of me every time I have to go, but it's a small price to pay for being well again. I too, am lonely, because nobody understands me, outside of my husband, and it's hard to make friends on the outside. It's so lonely, and we bipolars tend to isolate. But with the support groups, who knows? Maybe we can find our own kind of family, and we can help each other. I find there's more tolerance about depression for people who never used to begin to understand mental illness. So please, know that you are not alone, and know that there's help, and DON'T GIVE UP! This is my first posting ever, since I am computer illeterate, so you are my special lady!!! I am SweetLynnie