College..could I handle it?? Will I rot in this apt. forever??

I just applied online for some school brochures to be sent to me.

It was overwhelming. I mean..I have no friends or anthing to do these

days. I cant bear the thought of rotting away in this apartment for the

rest of my life. Tonight is kind of despairing. I feel roadblocks everywhere.

I tried to so call find Nanny work, but I dont have a car. I am really good

at that. I've done it before. My disability wont cut even for me to find one.

I wish I could find a charity that could donate me one. I'm doing the best I can.

I am already hoping for next month to get here so I can get groceries. After bills,

whats left is whats left!! I do love my place though. Its big, and clean and organized.

OCD about clean haha. I would probably puta bullet to my head if I couldnt get online.

My mother judges me too much. Very insensitive and wanting to compete with me intellectually. I love her from afar. All the docs are booked 3 weeks still. I'll be admitting in the next 4 days I'm sure. I'm not stable yet. Geez..kicking around watching a movie or laughing it up with someone would be nice. Last night hypomania set in..racing thoughts hallucinations (auditory) and involuntary face twitching. Oh it was maddness... I hope

I can sleep tonight. I will probably stay up late online.  later