hopeless

By bipolar widow Saturday, August 16, 2008

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Well the bomb has dropped AGAIN. My bipolar husband notified me via e-mail that he was leaving again! He wanted his own life and just wanted to be "happy'! He has left me and my son twice before for other women and I have all reason to believe that this is no different. He has had at least 5 affairs during our 17 year marriage. He can't understand why I am upset and our 14 year old son wont talk to him. In his sick mind, he thinks everything is beautiful and he thinks everyone else should think the same. He thoughtlessly did this to our son the weekend before he was to start high school. He will be losing his job next week ( he's known this for a month) has no means of support for himself much less the family! He has demanded 1/2 of the house and 1/2 of MY retirement. I've noticed this decline in his behavior for the last six months and have tried in vein to get him some to get some help. Well as you would know...it's ALL MY FAULT! Sound familiar to anyone!

Comments (9) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

8/16/08 8:59am

Time for you and your son to get off the roller coaster. I don't think you should "give" him anything. If it's him leaving hopefully the judge will be fair to you. He could possibly get half the house and half of your retirement but I certainly wouldn't give it away. Divorce sucks but it's not fair to you or your son to go through this every few years. It's not a stable environment for your son who's getting ready to go through a tough enough time anyway. Good luck. You're in my prayers.

semi

8/16/08 11:40am

time for you to think about your child before he becomes just like you and your spouse weak with no sese of direction or balance just get your clothes and leave everything else will fall in place start new me and my children leaved in a ymca for a while before i got completely on my feet but at least there was peace because i finally let go of something i had no control over

Anonymous

8/16/08 11:25pm

I was in the same situation as you. I had been married for 16 years and my roller-coaster hubby came to me one day and said "I don't want walls", well after years of putting up with the affairs, verbal abuse, etc. I was quite frankly relieved! I focused on my son, and now 10 years later I'm glad...why? because bipolar is genetic and he has it too. I got him in to doctors, good meds and counseling at a very young age and he has never had the severe highs and lows that his Dad did. My son accepts the diagnosis, something his father never has. I went back to college and now have a good job. All things I never would have been able to do if I had stayed with my ex. He would have denied the existence of a problem with his son because it would mean having to accept it in himself. He would have tried to prevent me from achieving personal goals because his always fell short.

You can do it too! Walk on. You may need to have the strength to fight for the one who is important...your son!

Anonymous

8/17/08 5:28am

Thank you for your support. I need all of the support I can get! I have no family except an 86 year old father that I care for! I have no one to talk to. And my biggest worry is my son and his well being. My husband left knowing that he was going to be unemployed next month...no fore thought to where money was going to come from. I guess he's just "livin' on love!" I'm devistated even though its happened twice before! You'd think I'd be use to it by now!

Anonymous

8/19/08 6:56pm

First off...ignore the posts of those who say you should have done this or that. That you should have "put a stop to it"...."you need counseling" etc etc. You know and I know that nobody knows it better than you! But living with a bipolar person comes with ups that were wonderful. That is one of the characteristics we were attracted to. But the downs are slow and sneaky. If I had not lived this, I would have been the first person to criticize "us" for not leaving. But it creeps up slowly and by the time it is a mess, for me anyway, my mind felt like mush. So what! I like to say now that I'm on the other side that I DARE anyone to have done what I did. I was 35 when I got a divorce and back to school...40 when I graduated! We have a depth of character that others don't. You will NOT make the same mistakes if you focus on yourself right now

Now I am NOT a religious person by any stretch and I don't want to get preachy here, but find something religion, school, a hobby ANYTHING that has NOTHING to do with your current situation. Do not let it be an activity that pertains to your son either. This is just for you! Here is what I did to get me whole again.

1. I read the book "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nat Hahn. I am not a Buddhist, but there was something VERY comforting in being taught how to slow down and find peace in something as simple as washing dishes....especially when my life was crumbling around me...and least there was always dishes to do. You could find it on amazon, I'm sure. If not that, then pick a book that you only have to read one very small chapter a day..say 5 min.. A book of poems perhaps, etc...anything that you don't share. This is YOUR 2-5 min.

2. I got in to school and found that Math was very therapuetic. Why? Well when living with the "grays" of a bioplar relationships there was always a little math homework to do. 2+2=4 and you can't change that! I started in the community college with the basics and I mean basics! My second grade son at the time was learning "greater than, less than" at the same time I was! Big benefit: I could help him on his homework! It built my self-confidence too. I got all the way up to calculus!

3. Getting in school, starting out slow (I took one class, then two, then finally worked up to full load) and staying with the Math got me a great job. I am a software engineer and make $100K+ within 8 years of graduating. Had I followed the path of other single moms out there most were looking into teaching and/or psychology. Their reasons: I want same vacation time as my child (dumb....kids grow up and I was able to afford fabulous camps for my son) and the psychology majors? Well most wanted to self analyze themselves (dumb again...takes a Masters to get a mid-pay job).

4. By focusing on you, you become a better provider for your child. My son is so proud of me. I own my own home now. He struggles in college, but I say, hey...you are still over 15 years behind me! Talk to me if you haven't graduated by 40!

5. I made some great new friends/relationships along the way

You CAN do this...I believe in you

princeton374

5/21/09 4:54pm

I think your story is amazing as are you. Wow, good for you. We can talk about what we want or what it would be like but you did it, you got strong and moved on. That's a very hard thing to do when your wrapped up with someone who has this disease because your constantly side tracked with everything that concerns them.....it's very difficut...in your case, as I some times will call a heartbreak, blessing in disguise!! BRAVO!!!!

Eric

8/17/08 5:41am

Well it sounds like it time you finally woke up and smelled the coffee. You say this has happened twice before and you somehow forgave him and took him back, After the first time, I would think he would have had to work his butt off to gain your trust again…but I guess not as you must have laid it to the illness in your head and moved on.

This says a lot about you and your issues of allowing it to happen at least three times that you know of. It doesn’t really matter timing with loosing his job next month and your son starting school…that’s you that is making it the issue.

As with any divorce, each is entitled to have unless it was pre martial property; inheritance or a settlement….everything else is fair game. I have never seen a clean easy divorce and it’s too bad he couldn’t have at lease kept his crap together until your son was of age and out of the house.

This has less to do with being bipolar and more to do with boundaries not being in place and you allowing his a pass on his arsine behavior. Sorry to hear your going throught this, but you will survive and move forward.

tabby

8/17/08 7:46am

I've been hesistant to chime in but, oh well...

As far as he wanting 1/2 of his house & retirement - well, if this came about after the "I do" then he is entitled to it if you live in a state that has a "no fault" divorce. If your state has "fault" divorce clauses then you might be able to do some wiggling there but really you are going to have to fight it through court, with an attorney, costing a lot of money, and depending on the judge's mood (I've been told), may end up having to hand it to him anyway. This isn't to make you just give it to him but to make you realize that he can make it quite difficult.

Eric again has a point in that you've allowed him to treat you as he did (not speaking about the Bipolar. There are many many folks out there that do not have MI that treat people badly). You allowed him to cross the boundary lines that you didn't set up. Then again, maybe you did set boundary lines but then didn't enforce the consequences that came with them - or didn't set up the consequences. Either way, it isn't all your husband's fault that your marriage has or is going kaput. This isn't what you wanted to read, you want it to be solely your husband's fault and his illness as the reason - it's not.

You married him, he married you. You are 2 people in a marriage and therefore it takes 2 people to end one. He did some things, you reacted & responded, and vice a versa so take ownership of what you allowed to happen, what you did, what you contributed to, learn from those and be the better for it for yourself and your son.

This way, as you move forward - you and your son will hopefully have a better life than the one you just are leaving from and you will make better judgement decisions on the next man you choose to allow into your's and your child's life and how that person is going to affect and effect the 2 of you from then on.

Let me note in a most assured way, that whomever you allow into your life from this moment on will indeed have not only an impact on your life and possibly fill your need at that precise moment BUT will have an even greater impact on the life of your child (regardless of whether he is 6 or 18); EVEN if it is your husband yet again.

hobie

8/17/08 8:39pm

my turn, I second that! and by the posting I would consider you seek some counseling as well, sounds like your enabling him, my opinion. As a single guy with no kids I can't say much more other than experiences iv seen thru friends and that is, if he is so mental and your so sain why would you allow him to use your children as a bardering tool, do what ever you can to work things out as friends for your children. they will be affected either way but its much easier on them if you both stay friends and keep the seperation as suttle as possible. do it for your children and swallow someride, quietly. a mean seperation benefits no one. good luck!

hopeless

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