Need to vent.

By Tammy Wednesday, February 27, 2008

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I just read the article on suicide, smoking, lying, etc. Sounds like my life. My husband lost his job on Thurs. The sixth one in 6 yrs. He lies so much about everything. When does it get better? He has no desire to look for another job. I had just begun to see a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel from the financial mess he got us into. Now this. Our children, thank God they're all grown, are really having a hard time with this. I sent the article from this am to our oldest. Maybe it'll help with understanding. I'm looking for a support group for family/caregivers, but so far no luck. He did go to new dr on Mon. and meds were changed. He was only diagnosed 1 1/2 yrs ago. Thanks for listening.

Comments (11) | Add comment

Eric

2/27/08 8:38am

Fell free to vent all you want. It’s very frustrating being a caregiver and trying to make sense of it all. The tendencies to ride his roller coaster of the ups and downs are very common and disruptive.

I get to play both roles in my relationship and know as many others here do also, feel your pain. It’s emotional pain to the 10th degree. Hopefully this new doctor …and I hope it’s a psychiatrist, can get him onto the right medication combination soon.

For the time being you have to take care of yourself first or you will be of little help to him coping with his illness. He has to own and take responsibility for it and his actions and not run from it blaming it on the illness. If we feel we had no control in loosing 6 jobs in 6 years, how in the world can we change the pattern?

Tammy

2/27/08 6:52pm

Thanks. I do have to make 1 correction. It was 6 jobs in 16 years. Yes his new dr is a psychiatrist. However, nothing was done today either. Just sat around watching tv, smoking, and drinking soda.

Hopeful mom

2/27/08 9:51pm

I am dealing with a son who won't take responsibility, doesn't care about consequences, and I guess thinks he's going to live his life on our sofa playing video games.

It's frustrating trying to figure out if it is the depression or is he just a lazy a**.

You might try getting some counseling for yourself if it's possible. I think I'm about there myself.

Tammy

2/28/08 7:41am

You hit it right on the head. How much is bp and how much is just don't want to. I'm looking for a support group and possibly counseling also. The lies have just gotten to be too much. He is so much different than my husband always used to be. I told the dr that my husband has been MIA for almost 2 yrs now. When he was out patient for 10 days and I told the counselor that this man is not my husband, he wanted to know what I was talking about. Obviously, he doesn't live with anyone with bp. I'm in the position of having to get a 2nd job just to keep up with bills. That part is killing our 2 girls who know that their Dad would have never have let me have to work 2 jobs. Nothing seems to faze him. Support groups for family/caregivers are nonexistent around here at least. Our son moved back in last night. Things should get even more interesting. My husband seems to fixate on him if I'm not around.

As far as your son, how old is he? I work at a high school during the day as an aide and believe me kids are sure different now. Peers have much more influence than parents. Is he involved with sp. ed. because of the bp? If not, that's something you could consider. That is where I work. Believe it or not our kids usually don't give us as much trouble as they do in the reg. class. They're polite and respectful for the most part.

Hopeful mom

2/28/08 9:03am

That's funny. I'm in special ed. too. I'm currently an elementary special ed teacher for orthopedically impaired and kids with mental retardation. I have had just about every kind of kid you could have. LD, ADD, Emotionally disturbed, Autism.

My son is 16 and he's changed so much in the last few years. When he was little, he tried so hard. He won the perserverance award at his school 2 years in a row (5th and 6th grades). It's so weird to see him like this. He was always a pleaser and a mom's boy until these teen years hit. Last year he started hanging out with some rougher kids, experimenting with sex and drugs, smarting off to us, and just stopped doing his schoolwork altogether.

He was hospitalized in October after a suicide attempt. (He did this because he was in trouble and grounded for his grades). They finally diagnosed the bipolar while he was there and we've been trying to get the med combo right. He is either really happy go lucky but can't concentrate at all or if we give him something for concentration he's moody, depressed, and doesn't eat.

Tammy

3/ 1/08 11:17am

Sounds like we're kind of in the same boat except in case your son is really just a teenager and mine is just acting like it. You are having to deal with teenage issues on top of the bp though. I know other people keep telling me that this is bothering my husband too, but I just don't see it. He shows no remorse and no concern. I have a pretty good lead on a 2nd job. Hopefully it'll pan out. In the past, there is no way that my husband would have wanted me doing this.

Tammy

3/ 1/08 11:20am

I thought of a couple more things I forgot to ask you. Do you have any other kids? Where does your son fall in the birth order? Hang in there.

Hopeful mom

3/ 1/08 12:35pm

The other child is part of his problem I think. She's extremely mature, driven, smart, and motivated. He thinks of her as Miss Perfect. I've never tried to compare the two or expected him to be like her but I know it's there. She was an easy teen, was responsible, was respectful, and took care of business.

He's the baby and it almost seems like he's trying to be the anti-Ashley. He is the opposite of everything she is. He's immature, irresponsible, disrespectful, and lazy.

He wasn't always like this. This has just happened in the last two years. In the middle of this is that he has "major depression". I don't know how much really is depression or how much is just being a teenage boy. I know he's depressed and sometimes he just comes home and sleeps after school because he's so tired. In times like that, I understand why the schoolwork suffers. When he's bouncy and full of energy and procrastinating, I get irritated.

Oh gosh as I was telling the story I just thought of something. These behaviors started when Ashley left home for college. Despite the fact that he calls her Ms. Perfect and thinks she's a goody goody, he really really loves her. Even though he won't admit it, I bet her leaving has alot to do with him being sad alot.

Tammy

3/ 1/08 1:52pm

I'm taking a break from doing taxes. Talk about depressing.... I have 3 kids. But it sounds like my middle daughter and your son have several things in common. My oldest daughter did ok in school but didn't push herself. She made good grades and that was enough for her. She was, however, not a problem child.

The middle daughter did excel in school and this was a way of being better than her sister who she felt was prettier, perfect, etc. After the oldest graduated, our middle daughter didn't care about school and got into drugs. What a mess.

tiffany

2/29/08 1:03am

hi im tiffany... i dont kno you and i dont kno your husband... but i kno what hes going through...

from what ive read...(this is what i got out of your message) your husband has a hard time staying on task and getting along with the boss or coworkers and probably gets really mad when some one tells him he dose something wrong...

welcome to my world...

i am only 16 and cant hold a job...

it all looks likk its going great then... you actually stop and acknoledge that every things ok and that your doing ok...

then reality sets in and it all comes crashing right down and crushes you...

yup yup i kno egsactally how he feels...

i kno you feel likk crap... but you have to realize some thing else to...

he dose also...

i dont ever likk to say i feel really bad for a mistake i kno i had a part in but its there fault...

oh yeah... i kno im not trying to sound or be sarcastic and i kno you see my age but im 16 and its hard for me...

its hard to take full responsiblity for every thing i mean im only one person...

but its not you all you can do now is encourage him...

it will get better, it always dose...

just if you want read some of mypost and youll see...

Vicki M, Editor

2/29/08 1:59am

Hi Tammy,

We're glad you came here. There are lots of folks that are happy to listen to you vent and offer advice or just a gentle hand. While nothing can take the place of your doctor's advice, here is some information you might find helpful.

Tammy, your husband is not deliberately trying to hurt you by not doing what you think he should be doing with regards to the job and life in general. He truly has no control over these feelings and they could be caused by a genetic defect or even a chemical imbalance. You can read more about those causes here. There is a great overview here of what being bipolar means in terms of physiological and psychological means. There is also a treatments database here outlining the newest treatments available.

I hope this information helps. See your doctor, with or without your husband and make a plan for helping him cope. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Vicki M

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