Just need to vent

I've been feeling so miserable these past few days. I feel like I'm sinking again though things have been going so much better for a while now. I'm flat broke, not too sure where the money went. I've been going on binges. I did a major cleanup 4-5 days ago but since then my place has become a complete mess. Evenings, I stop being able to think and drown into a fog - unable to think, let alone follow a conversation. Forming words requires tremendous concentration. I get the terryfing impression that I can't swallow.  I've been having nightmares about hurting myself. I'm exhausted, getting up is such an effort. I'm feeling so alone in this world. It seems to me like everyone has someone. Let me explain... I'm just longing for having a live person I can call anytime. I long to be at the top of someone's list and not feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just longing for closeness. I miss my ex. I wonder where all my friends have gone, although I have a lot of people around me. Then I remember I've never truly felt that closeness, or when I have, felt swamped by it. How can I miss something I've never had? I'm discouraged, I thought my meds were finally right, finally working... can they stop just like that? I just feel like curling up in a corner, closing my eyes, and having a good cry - but the tears just won't flow. So I eat. I've put on close to 7 pounds in the past week. I just have so little energy. I feel like collapsing. A 10 minute walk seems more like a chore than a pleasure, even with Spring so close by. I know I tend to be more depressed at Spring-time, months of April or May are usually the hardest for me, not too sure why. I've been so irritable, my poor cat's getting yelled at for the tiniest thing, she hasn't been asking me to play, knowing that I'm not in the mood at all. I can't go through another depression, I don't want to go there, don't want to get to the point of being hospitalised or having recourse to the crisis centre. I've moved on, things are better now, I finally have some stability in my life... or so I thought.