i recently fell back into a major depression and had to quit my job. i'm trying to get myself heathly again. this is the frist time my husband has seen me in a low. we got married last year and this is the frist time i' ve been ill. i keep trying to keep him informed but when i talk to him about it, he won't say a word. then later he' ll ask why i never tell him how i'm doing. i also keep asking if he'll go with me when i need to get out of the house. he won't go. the last time i suggested we go to the park, he didn't say anything and began picking at his arm. when he does stuff like that i feel so rejected and makes my mood dipped even lower. does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to open up?
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not sure what to do with husband
6/25/09 9:46am
You didn't say how long you 2 knew each other prior to the wedding.
You didn't say if you told him about your illness prior to the wedding.
You didn't say if he witnessed any other symptoms of your illness, while engaged, prior to your wedding.
What you have said is that you married last year and this is the 1st time since that you've been ill with a depressive low that is so low that you voluntarily quit your job.
I'm taking it, solely based on what info you've provided, that your husband may not have had a full on disclosure of your situation BEFORE you married and since you've not been married very long... may be quite overwhelmed and stressed over this change. He may simply just not know what to do with you or the situation you've now landed the 2 of you in.
So... Tabby is harping on the chick? No. I'm clearly stating the impression I received while reading your sharepost.
You are in a transitional period of stress. You, for whatever reason, fell into a Major Depression which does happen even when the transitional period is supposed to be a wonderful one, you decided to quit your job which then put more stress on hubby cause now income has greatly been reduced, and you are in full blown depression for which he has no experience of helping you in.
He comes across (according to your post) as indifferent, cold, uncaring, and non-communicative. He doesn't respond as you'd wish and he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to assist you as you deem he should.
Sug, take it from a woman married 20 years and a sufferer of depressions that would make grown men weep and beg for their momma's... HE isn't responsible to make YOU feel better. HE isn't responsible to complete you, to heal you, to fix you, or to fill a void within you. HE isn't responsible for your feelings on any matter as in YOU aren't responsible for his. YOU are also not responsible for making him feel better, to complete him, to heal him, to fix him, or to fill a void within him.
He hasn't seen you in a Major Depressive Episode. He likely has conflicted emotions and feelings about the entire situation. He loves you but he doesn't know what to do with you and he doesn't know or understand how to get through it. All he knows is suddenly his new wife has crashed and in doing so quit her job and now is likely on medications and appointments (hopefully) that he wasn't at all prepared for.
It is often times frightening and discombulating for people who have it sprung upon them and folks tend to not respond or react as we'd hoped they would. Yet, we move on because we aren't responsible for their feelings AND they aren't responsible for ours.
The suggestion of trying to look at this from the hubby's angle, and not from your severely dark depressive angle, wouldn't be such a bad idea. It's hard. Depression tends to close that tunnel vision down to a very narrow little pipe but perhaps trying to widen that pipe to a very large scope for which you can try to see just a wee bit from perhaps his side... wouldn't hurt. You know, give him the benefit of a doubt.
Also, perhaps rephrasing any communication thus inviting him in rather than pushing him out wouldn't hurt also. You know... the advisement mentioned above regarding the use of "I" rather than "You" at the start all in a nice, soft, civil manner. You know... coax him in.
Also, in going to therapy, because hopefully you are going to therapy for your Major Depression... your therapist can offer you some skills or strategies on how to pull him in and relate. Or, perhaps figure a way that the 2 of you can attend a session and that way he can maybe get some questions answered if he would be interested in doing so.
Just some ideas, that's all.
Good Luck and keep taking the steps to make yourself healthy again. Odds are that if he sees that you are really really trying to do the things you know are proactive and healthy to get your feet back under you... he'll eventually come around.
If not, then at least you know up front what you will deal with from here on out and you and your therapist can work on coping strategies and skills to help you in helping yourself because it really is YOUR work to do, not his.
6/25/09 3:46pm
i know my frist post wasn't very clear. sorry bout that. i know i was trapped inside my own head so i'm trying to get insights from others. he knew my history before we married, and he seemed understanding at the time. what is happening now is that he is trying to help but when i talk i think i'm freaking him out and he shuts down. he wants to know what's goin on but then he doesn't give me any feed back. i then start to worry bout him and get stressed. i just want to make sure he's ok.
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i keep trying to keep him informed but when i talk to him about it, he won't say a word. then later he' ll ask why i never tell him how i'm doing. i also keep asking if he'll go with me when i need to get out of the house. he won't go. the last time i suggested we go to the park, he didn't say anything and began picking at his arm. when he does stuff like that i feel so rejected and makes my mood dipped even lower. does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to open up?
Ravenmarie,
Maybe, your looking at this situation from the wrong perspective. I understand you see him as someone that should be as supportive as you need him to be. He should listen when you need him to and he should go with you when you need to get out of the house. I understand your condition, that it is good to have someone to unload on or just listen, that it can be hard to venture out into the uncertainty in the grips of despair and anxiety.
Having stated, from my limited insight, my interpretation of your situation from what seems is your perspective, let's try to consider a few things and a see if this can be brought into a different light. First, the hardest task you are contemplating is doing something with your husband. You know how hard it can be to make changes in your own life or behavior, even if the change is desired. It is much more difficult to get someone else to change.
And forget about the way you feel he should be or act. When your image of him does not coincide with reality, you create internal conflict, which is felt through negative emotions. He is the way he is, at this moment, and accepting that will benefit you. He may make positive changes but you must accept him the way he is through the process.
Never feel you need something, this leads to disappointment. You may want, not neccesarily need, would like, or appreciate something and still be open to it not coming to pass.
Do not feel rejected, this is not about you. Your husband has certain ways of reacting to situations and he has things on his own mind. He has his own world to contend with and for the time being he is wired the way he is. Because he does not listen or seems to ignore your attempts to help you out of the home, is not about you but about him and his behavior. He is in his own world.
One way to let him into your world is through assertive communication, not aggressive that is too harsh and returns the same, not passive, you will get nowhere. This may get him to open up. Start your communications with an 'I' statement that expresses how you feel. (ie. I feel rejected when I try to communcate how I am doing and do not get a response.) You will notice that the word 'you' is not in the I statement. This is because the the word you comes across as accusatory and you cannot blame another for your feelings. Follow the I statement with a request. (ie. I would very much appreciate it if you would listen and talk to me.) Then add the reason why. (ie. because you are an important part of my recovery.) You can formulate your own statements but the important part here is that you are bringing him into you feelings and thoughts without blaming him, to ask for what you want. You may be able to find more information on assertive communication and I statements online.
thanks that really helped. i know my thinking isn't very clear at the moment and i was trying to figure out a way to talk to him without starting a fight. i like how you explianed how "you" could sound like i was blaming him. i didn't know how i could tell him what i was feeling without him getting upset. i know he is really confused right now and he doesn't know what to do. i'm tryin to get the lines of communication open to help the both of us.