New here.  Hello.  My name is Laura and I've been suffering with bipolar illness for 15 years.  When I first got the illness I felt very strange.  I gained a lot of weight.  At the time I was diagnosed, I was thin.  The doctor that I'm seeing now really helped me because  when I was seeing the other doctors, I was gaining weight instead of losing it. I've kept most of it off for about 2 years now.  I used to spend a lot of money but I don't do that anymore.  I guess you could say that reality struck me.  Now I try to save money for things that I need.  Half of the time I wasn't home.  I would hang out in restuarants a lot with my mom or other family members.  Sometimes with friends during the day.  Sometimes I would skip my medication and I would feel too tired to take them and I would fall a sleep without them.  But the next day, I would feel moody and depressed and then I would take them.  Right now I'm just taking life one day at a time.  I try to look for posittive things in my life like the goodness in nature.  I still have the mood swings, anxiety and trouble sleeping at night.  But not as bad as a few years ago.  I would say that I've improved about 50 percent.  I"m still single but I have a male friend who I get along with pretty well.  He doesn't speak much English and once in a while he likes to drink vodka.  I don't really drink.  Very seldom because of the meds I'm on.  I don't want any children because I would constantly worry about them and I would not sleep.  I've come a long way but I still get my angry fits which I'm trying to control as much as possible.  When I was getting really depressed 15 years ago, I was studying a lot for a Real Estate class.  I guess the pressure and the stress was just building up in me and I got sick.  At first I was taking sleeping pills, but they really didn't help me, so I threw them out in the garbage.  This all happened in the Spring of 1993.  I never finished the Real Estate class and then that's when I told my family what was going on with me.  I didn't know what bipolar was.  I suffered a lot and still am because now I'm struggling with my weight.  I feel very insecure about it and whenever I say something wrong or do something wrong, I think about it afterward, and then I feel bad.  So now I have a lot of obssessive worry about what others think of me.  I'm trying to improve on the little things and take baby steps.  I wish I had more energy like I did when I was 20.  Right now I feel like I'm kind of displaced and wonder what my future is going to be like.  I don't go out as much anymore.  Now it's just the opposite.  I'm home a lot.  But I still keep myself busy so I won't think and worry too much.  Like doing stuff around the house when I'm in a good mood or watch a good movie on television.  I remember that last year, I tried not to take my medication and I went through bad withdrawl symptoms.  Like tingling sensations in my hands and feet and a ringing in my ears.  So I went back on the meds.  My family has been supportive of me and my friends which is only a few.  One has more of a severe case of bipolar disorder than me.  Luckily,  I've never been hospitalized for it.  But bad thoughts of doing bad things to myself have occured.  But then something inside of me holds me back from doing them.  I'm extremely glad about that!  I don't drink or do drugs.  These would make me feel a lot worse.  I have an addictive behavior when it comes to food, coffee and cigarettes.  At one time, I was addicted to gambling but I quit 4 years ago.  I may be bipolar but I do have a little common sense.  I'm new to this website and I hope to make a few friends here.  People more like me who understand.  Also to get good advice when I need it.  Sincerely, Lawalla