How do i get past the aguish, helplessness and sadness of my mother? And get on with my life.

My mother had BP. One spring morning on April 28, 1994...I found my mother laying on her side covered up with her blankets in bed. I was 15 and thought she was sleeping. As a few hours went by she didn't get up. I went to her bedside and she looked weird, cold to touch, and no pigment of pink to her anymore. I called 911 and said that my mother was sick, but didn't know what was wrong...she was dead. Have been for hours. She overdosed on her perscription medication for high blood pressure. She always refused treatment or meds for her BP. That sameday my mother and father were to be to court to get divorced. She left letters to my father and I. She had it planned and planned for this day. It has been 14 years and I still can't live with this pain inside I have. I miss her so much, I wish I could talk to her and see her, tell her that I love her. I was a troubled young teenager. That night before my mother had left the house her and I got into an argument. I wanted to go to a party and she said no. I was mad and told her that I hate her. Not knowing those would be the last words spoken. She looked at me and said "I love you so much sweetie" she had a withdrawn look on her face while she looked me in the eye and said that. She said she had to leave for a few minutes. She was gone for only about 15 minutes. She said she had to go buy a pack of cigs. What she was doing was slipping the letters under my fathers apartment door at 11pm. My father wasen't going to work that next morning becasue they had court. So when he got up to leave he then would find them. When my mother came home she was walking fine, talking fine, I said good night (since I couldn't go out) and she said good night. That was it. The last time I would see her face, be able to talk to her. The Dr.s said that after I went to bed she started to swallow the pills. During the autopsy they counted 73 undissolved pills still left in her stomach. They estimated she took over 125 pills. The Dr's said she went to bed covered up and died there. She felt no pain. How could she do this to me? Why...becasue my father and her were divorcing? Was I not important or good enough for her to stay here with me? Can she hear me when I say that I am sorry for being a bad kid? Can she hear me when I tell her that I love her very much? I am 30 now, with 4 children 9, 7, 5, & 3. and sruggle very hard with rapid-cycling BP. I have had kidney and Liver failure requiring dialasys and being taken of many of the meds because of the side-affects. I take about 4 meds now and I struggle everyday on trying to keep myself looking appropriate enough so the kids don't have to see or feel what I did growing up. I even went to the extreme of having ECT treatments. That is one of the last resorts. When I am in mania the kids leave and go to the in-laws so they don't see anything. My husband gets family leave so he stays home to deal with the things that happen when I'm on a high...or when the "crash" is inevitable. Or a few times when the police are called. I don't want the kids to see any of this. I don't want the kids to feel sadness, anger and all the feelings that come with finding your mother deacesed from a suicide at the tender age of 15. How do I overcome these feelings? When I feel it's the end and I want to see my mother...how do I stop? For the past 4 years or so all that has kept me from doing it is my children and husband. What happens when that dosen't help anymore? How do I get over the anger that my mother left me that way...not thinking about where I was going to go or what my life was going to be like. My father and I didn't get along...he remarried and went his own way. I had to go my own way and I have been living on my own since 15. How do I stop the missing her all the time? How do I try not to think about her hair or her long perfect natural nails?