I am sorry this is long. I hope someone can send a few words of encouragment. This is what I feel everyday. I can't end up like my mother...I have children that need me and a husband that loves me. But I can't wonder any longer or worry what could of happened and what did happen.
Thank you
Okay... I'm going to try here hon..
Your mom knew you loved her that day. She knew you didn't hate her though you said it. She knew so, don't allow that to continue to eat you.
I'm not your mom but like you my mom was diagnosed Bipolar but didn't take the meds or therapy for long. However, she didn't commit suicide when I was young like you and I'm very very sorry for your loss. Yet, I am a mom and I have a teenage daughter and I've been hospitalized several times for suicidal depression and I've tried and well... I'm wanting to speak from my heart - if I can.
She loved you. She didn't want to hurt anymore. She didn't want the pain to continue anymore and for a time she didn't see - literally and mentally in her mind's eyes didn't see - a way out of the pain. She didn't want to cause you any pain, she thought she would make your life better by leaving. She thought she'd make your father's life better by leaving.
She had failed, in her mind's eyes, as a wife and mother and didn't know where else to turn. She was in so much pain. The illness twisted her thoughts against her but not against you little one. I truly honestly believe she didn't fully realize what would happen to you and thought you'd be better off without her as she was during that time.
You struggle with the illness yourself and you've no doubt had those really dark moments when the illness has twisted your thinking but so far you've managed to twist them back because of your mom. So, take it as that your mom - in her death - is trying to help you through your struggle with this insidious illness by keeping you on your meds, in therapy, seeing the docs, and wanting to survive no matter what comes at you - and not do what she did to inflict so much pain on your little ones as she did on you.
Bless you and peace, I pray.
Thank you for your kind words. I do try to think that my mother was ill...that she couldn't deal with the pain any longer either. Someone once told me that my mother was sick, but the day she wrote those letters and took her own life...she was being a brat. She was mad and upset becasue she couldn't be with my father. If she couldn't have him then she didn't want to be here...even if that meant she had a responsibility to take care of the daughter she had. I try to not le let that comment get to me but when I actually think about it...I come up with the samething. She was being selfish. I try to believe that she kows that I love her very much. Even though she had her moments...and things were hard in our family. I would have wanted her to stay with me. Is that selfish? Thank you for the post and sorry to hear about your hardships.
it's not selfish one bit of you to have wanted your mom anyway and I'm not excusing her suicide or the reasons she may have truly had as her illness - just that her illness had some part in the process. it is how she dealt & cope with those things in her life that eventually told the tale - she chose to take herself out for whatever reason.
There is something though I want you to try to take to heart. It is a saying that I found on a sign outside a small church one day. It said something to the effect of "That which angers you, controls you." and I've remembered it ever since. Truth be, and it is true, the longer you hang on to the pain and anger the more it will consume you. The more it consumes, the less there will be of you left.
This doesn't mean that you don't have a reason to be angry with your mom for being as you view it - selfish irregardless of what her mental state was at the time of her suicide - it just means that the longer you hang on to it - the less you will have of yourself to keep to yourself and to give to your family. I really don't believe it is meant to be that way.
Ultimately, you have to decide as to whether to hang on and let it continue to consume or to just forgive and let it go. It isn't to let her go but to allow yourself to let go so that her death won't hurt you any longer.
Thank you again, tabby. I have heard the same quote with being in the hospital and therapy. I know that it may take a while for the anger to go away. Sometimes I wonder if I'm directing my anger that way when it's meant for something else. i.e, my father. My father for leaving me 2 weeks after she died. I do know that a lot of this anger is taking away me from my family. I have to turn this anger into something positive & productive...And I will!!! Thank you
You weren't a bad kid hun, you were a teenager. My 20 year old daughter is someone so amazing and someone I'm so proud of. I remember the words "I hate you." leaving her mouth several times during those teen years. I knew she didn't mean it. She just said it because she was angry. Your mom was too wrapped up in her own pain to think of you. It's not because you were a bad kid or because she didn't love you. She was just too sad to function. She made a mistake and didn't have a chance to take it back. Forgive her. Love her. Learn from her.
God bless you.
You weren't a bad kid hun, you were a teenager. My 20 year old daughter is someone so amazing and someone I'm so proud of. I remember the words "I hate you." leaving her mouth several times during those teen years. I knew she didn't mean it. She just said it because she was angry. Your mom was too wrapped up in her own pain to think of you. It's not because you were a bad kid or because she didn't love you. She was just too sad to function. She made a mistake and didn't have a chance to take it back. Forgive her. Love her. Learn from her.
God bless you.
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I dont usually respond to requests over the internet,but your comments struck a chord with me. I too have a mother who is probably bipolar , but was never diagnosed. It can be a love/hate relationship. I hesitate to say this(not knowing what your religious affiliation is),but the devil will hit at your weak spots. I am not a religious fanatic,by any means, but I have found through the course of my life that once you recognize that the devil is working on one of your weak points and you tell him to "get behind you" he must leave you alone. Try it, whether you believe it or not. It works! You will have to do it everytime you feel down. Just by the fct that you a concerned that you might repeat your mother's actions shows me that you are going to be alright in that area. I know its an everyday struggle, but it sounds like you have a husband who totally backs you. One last thing, our thoughts will make us or break us! Whatever you think about the most you will see more of in your life. These are just a few thoughts from somebody who empathizes. Take care